AN ALARMING DISCOVERY

Jake Watch has aquired a new contact within the US Postal service. We know this man only by the codename Otto Thilye. As an avid fan of the blog Otto has intercepted for us a large number of letters that were destined for Jake. This correspondence is from one Louella Medina Oberman from Austin, Texas who is the self-proclaimed numero uno Jake fan. The contents of these letters are at the very least unsettling so Otto and myself have decided to destroy them, using fire-retardent gloves and safety goggles, in order to protect Jake from this tragically insane hippo-woman. I only post extracts here now to expose the kind of danger Jake could find himself in if we were to cease watching him, er, I mean watching out for him. It is our vigilante efforts alone that maintain Jake's well-being and safety. Thank you.

Letters from Louella - Part I
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Louella Medina Oberman
Trailer 17
Cactus Rose Mobile Home Park
Austin, TX

Dearest Jake, captor of my soul
I've been having the most unusual urges of late and feel I should commit my emotions to this delightful lavender scented note paper before they explode out of me in uncontrollable love puddles.
My name is Louella and I reside in the humble Cactus Rose Trailer Park, Austin, Texas. Last week my brother, Bronson, who is also my uncle, lent me his pirated copy of 'Jarhead'. I love seein' foreigners gettin' blown up so I was real eager to watch your film but then Bronson told me it was more about the personal psychological war marines endure rather than your actual conflict. I thought, "Fuck that!", I wanna see me some action but I reluctantly poked the disc into the slot anyways and then pressed 'Play' with my special prodding stick. Boy, soldier, did I see me some action! Who is this prime West Coast raised cut of steak I got jiggling his ass on my screen?, I asked myself. It was adualtion at first sight, baby, and now I can't stop hankering after you, my little horndog.
Just let me know when you're ready for some lovin' from a real curvaceous woman that'll make your magic wand scream, "Abracadabra!", instead of that scrawny polecat Mary Jane Watson.

Love always, your Southern belle,
Louella X

P.S Please find enclosed a picture of me in my lighter days, wearing my favorite summer slip. You can take it to the bathroom with you if you want, my little horndog.
XXX

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Absolutely shocking. Jake, don't worry, we here at Jake Watch are on a consant state of suspicious alert.

(Another note: Louella ain't real!)