Thursday, February 01, 2007

The following text is an excerpt from the highly anticipated biography, JAKE WATCH: FROM THE GUTTER TO THE SIDEWALK - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY MOUSEMAT?, released in the near future by Jake Watch's Tall Tales Publishing House.

It was a dark and stormy April night as britpopbaby, swimming in gin and Cool Original Doritos, thought, 'I really should be concentrating on finishing my final dissertation but I really can't be arsed...maybe I'll procrastinate in style by creating a blog about tea and biscuits...or Jake Gyllenhaal...or Shih Tzus...'

Jake Watch is a 96% satirical, 7% sincere (please allow for discrepancies) blog about the life and times of Jake Gyllenhaal; puggle visionary, intermittent tabloid-fodder, pseudo-enviromentalist, Lance Armstrong fan and some time actor.

The blog's origins can be traced back to approximately 10.06am (GMT) April 3rd 2006. Highlights include inventing Paparazzi Bingo©, contriving an interest in Jake's socks, getting into a confusing situation with a sub-editor of US Weekly, fangirling the Gyllenhaal Team Leader, being threatened with two seperate lawsuits (bite me wireimage) and writing our own movie that is yet to be picked up by a major distributer.

The future looks fulgid for Jake Watch with a couture clothing line, perfume range and a holistic-vegan inspired restaurant chain on the horizon.

Whilst not blogging Jake Watch enjoys candle-lit walks on the beach, Sudoko puzzles and watching Jane Fonda exercise videos circa 1981.

Unfrequently Asked Questions

Who is behind Jake Watch?
First it was just britpopbaby, the gin-adled purveyor of hearsay. Prophecy Girl, the oracle of Mirocsoft Excel, joined in August 2006 after britpopbaby kept slipping in and out of turps-induced comas, once going missing for a whole two weeks. Anneka, the 'Frank The Rabbit' of JW, sometimes took to her Sellotape powered laptop to provide thought-provoking analysis of such events as The Day After Tomorrow and the 2006 MTV Movie Awards. In January 2007, britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl mysteriously disappeared in a mysterious cloud of mystery to be replace in a matter of hours by the abstruse Number Six. So, in conclusion, who the fuck knows?

Do you know Jake?
If by 'Do you know Jake' you mean, do we have a deep personal knowledge and understanding of his every dream and desire that we may have projected onto him then, yes. If by 'Do you know Jake' you mean, 'Do we know Jake'? Then, no.

Does Jake know about Jake Watch?
Oh yes, but does he acknowledge the love? Not so much. Loser.

Do you really stalk Jake?
If by 'Do you really stalk Jake?' you mean, like, do we hide in his bushes and rummage in his trash and ring his doorbell and run away then er, Why? What have you heard?

The Writers