Sunday, August 12, 2007

Jake Watch Guide to Raceday Etiquette

We here at Jake Watch are all about physical fitness (as of today). That's why when we found out that Jake ran a 5k race yesterday, we decided to take that experience and use it as an educational opportunity. Using her extensive knowledge gained from participating in ten or fewer 5k's, PG presents to you...

Running a 5K: Basics for Beginners, with Jake Gyllenhaal

What to Wear:

Always a beacon of fashion, Jake shows off classic "beginner style" 5k wear:
1. A cooling haircut, ideal for men. (Ponytails are recommended for the fairer sex.)

2. Seen mostly on walkers in the back, Jake breaks tradition by charging up front in the light-colored race-day t-shirt that comes in all registration packs. Designed by local artists, this brightly-colored abstract work of art will be thrown into the back of your dresser after the race and never worn again. Your race number is best displayed at bellybutton-level and can be attached with anywhere from 2 or 4 safety's up to you!

3. Running shoes and ankle socks. No knee-highs here; it's all about showing off your man-legs.

Career 5k-ers will likely invest in a get-up more like that of the gentleman to the right of Jake (marked *). In other circumstances, his indecently short shorts and sweat-wicking tank would get some scandalized stares. On race day, they are the proud badges of someone who knows what they're doing.

Who You're Running With:
They show up to every 5k across the country. They are:

1 and 2. The "Blatant Stalker" Guys. Usually ogling girls in sports bras, these particular stalkers are distracted by the movie star in their midst.

3. The "Run Around Before the Race" Guy. By the time you drag yourself to the course at whatever godforsaken early hour of the morning, this guy has been running the track for hours. He will finish before you and continue to run until everyone else has crossed the finish line. He makes sure you know he's more in shape than you are and that for him, running is fun!

4. The "I Love the '90's" Guy. This guy loves his hypercolored shirts and patterned shorts. He even wears high-tops...and he will fly past your sorry ass while you're laughing at what he's wearing. Turns out those are his lucky clothes that he's worn to every 5k since 1991. They haven't failed him, yet!

5. The "Local Celebrity" Guy. In Memphis, this guy is Action News 5 anchor, Joe Birch. In Chilmark, apparently it's Jake Gyllenhaal.

6. Your Grandpa. He will beat your time by at least 20 minutes.
7. The "Oh-My-God-I-Spotted-The-Local-Celebrity!" Guy. He always works his way up to the front of the crowd before the race starts so that he doesn't miss any of the excitement. He will fall to the back by Mile 2.

8. The "I'm Hot When I'm Shirtless" Guy. For this guy, the race is an opportunity to show off his tight abs and run around half-nekked. One smoldering look into the camera and he's ready for the ladies. Race? What race?

9. The "Clueless" Guy. While everyone else is gearing up to run, he's idly standing around looking at his own hand.

10. The "Fearless Female." The one woman who dares to work her way to the front of the line with all the manly men. She will not finish first, but dammit, she will finish before the local celebrity.


Hey, showing up well-dressed and knowing who you're up again is half the battle! The actual running part is more of a sidenote. We're not sure what training regimen Jake sticks to, but judging by his time (19:38, holy shit!) we'd say he's slightly better at this running thing than PG.

HUGE thanks to Felicia for this find! :)


Anonymous said...

LMAO!!! I figured Jake was back on MV. I almost didn't recognize him. He and his pal the Chef didn't do too bad!

Anonymous said...

Gosh, how I adore this site. Thanks for the (many, many) laughs!

And Christopher Fischer's expression = priceless!

Anonymous said...

What a gorgeous place to run. The whole delightful island is just made for bicycling, walking, running & etc. Wish I were there now. How amazing would that be, to see Jake suddenly blow past, in full Gyllenflight.

Anonymous said...

That old guy next to Jake: A JW agent in training!

Cherita said...

Having worked for the county's Parks & Rec division for over five years, I have been involved in the planning and execution of five very big annual 5Ks myself, so I can vouch that all of PG's observations are dead-on accurate. Except when they run in South Florida, even in December, the grandpas wear Speedos and no shirt. I personally never ran one of the damn things (I couldn't very well run one of ours as I was working it!) but I've now got my own nice back-of-the-closet collection of race day shirts. (Ours always have long sleeves--yes, I said I'm in South Florida, but apparently the participants like them because no one else orders long-sleeved shirts--so I have cut all the arms off.)

At first Jake's haircut looked too short for my taste, but it is summer, so who can blame him? I just wish he'd stop standing next to Chris in photos that make a comparison of their calves so easy. Anyway, it's good to know he's still alive and healthy and having fun. Now all we need is official word of a new project!

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I'm taking the writing for granted, as well as the wit. (Shame on me.) Kudos to ProphecyGirl for the anthropological exploration of the running types at a meet. They fly past me on every weekend & on many weekday mornings. ("On your left!") Nice to meet them all here, so carefully classified & described.

Anonymous said...

That was an excellent description of what goes on PG, very detailed and very well researched...


Anonymous said...

hmmm the bigger question is: what is he doing in Chilmark, Massachusetts?

Anonymous said...

kudos to the fearless female for being totally immuned from the gyllenhaal effect.
Unlike some *cough*

Anonymous said...

Aw man, if I only I lived in Cali, I run 5k road races for fun all the time here in AZ. :( I must say, my running attire is far more fashionable than Jake's sorry to say.

Becky Heineke said...

Except when they run in South Florida, even in December, the grandpas wear Speedos and no shirt.

WOW. All I can say is that I'm glad I've never had to witness that particular sight. :D I just saw that picture and thought, "I KNOW those people! They run with me, too!"

However, I'm not even joking that I would be horrified if people knew my race times. It's one of the best reasons for anonymity on the internet these days: race times almost always wind up online. However, it's no surprise to me that Jake had an impressive showing. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh and I once ran a 5k in the sweltering heat of Arizona, so I'd say Jake needs to pick up the pace. :) Haha I wonder if any little kids or old men beat him, I've been beaten by 70 year- old guys and 8 year-olds before and it's quite a humbling experience.

Sam said...

Is that another clipper cut? i cant quiet tell but oh gosh i hope it is i LOVE jakes hair clippered!

Anonymous said...

Too funny.... The only female upfront and the old man did beat Jake and Chris. I think this is because Jake was distracted by Chris's long petalpusher running shorts. He told him not to wear them. But Chris is not into fashion you know!!
hmm pitiful. We'll train harder next time guys. I agree, Jake has nice legs until he stands next to Chris. lose the shorts Chris

heddaparsons said...


The one and only race that I participated in was about seven years ago sponsered by my job. And as far as the t-shirt designed for the race, I do have a use for it: A nightshirt!

11:12PM: Jake's family has a place there and they vacation there every year. When Jake goes MIA most likely that's where he is.

Unknown said...

ROFLMAO! Great post girls.
And PG, there's no need to feel bad about your times. Something tells me that had you entered that particular race you would've completed the 5K in about 19 minutes and 39 seconds even if it damn near killed you ;)

Anonymous said...

Very impressive showing for both Jake and Chris!

I don't know but I just go all motherly when I find out that Jake is in MV with friends and family and away from the press. That means he is relaxing and is actually having a vacation. When he mentioned in a interview during Cannes that he was taking the summer off, I thought that he menat that he was going to spend the bulk of his summer in MV.

Anonymous said...

What about those finishing line pictures!? Damn corporate computer, doesn't have flashplayer and can't open pic no 42... Judging by his t-shirt it looks like it just might be Jake.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning PG, I needed it real bad!

Yeah, it's him at #42, Chris came in a bit ahead of him. Do you think it's wrong that I recognized Chris before Jake? BTW, I am not digging Jake's buzz cut at all!

Becky Heineke said...

Finish line photo.

This wasn't up yesterday when I did the post...but even if it was, out of respect for Jake's physical exertion, I wouldn't put that picture on the main page. ;)

Hugsuzie, ha! I think you may have just found the key to lowering my race times! :D

Anonymous said...

Holidays on MV? It's all so Gatsby!

Anonymous said...

PG, the finish line photo....I used the magnifying glass icon to zoom in on the poor boy's face.His face looks...strained...swollen, and his eyes look so just wrenches the heart! I'm glad you didn't post it on the front page. His friend Chris's face is all smiling and happy. I think that's mean! Chris could at least have pretended to scrunch up and look exhausted!

BirdGirl said...

That little old man kills me. Did he think that no one would notice that he's stalking Jake? It's so obvious.

Anonymous said...

2:51PM: Not only did I recognize Chris 1st as well, I think he looks better than Jake in that picture, that is not a good look for Jake!!

Anonymous said...

You're all so hilarious. I'm happy for him that he has some 'normality' at the moment - even if its a 5k race where over 1,000 people can legitimately stalk you over 5k. I once entered for a 3 mile marathon and only managed 1. I applaud anyone who participates in these endurance tests and makes it to the finish line.

So he finished behind Chris - that'll teach him that he should've quit smoking a long time ago. At least he didn't do a Paula Radcliffe (sorry :D)

BTW... if we hafta talk about the hair *roll eyes* gwan wid yo bad self Swoff - I love it xxx

Anonymous said...

I like the haircut too! Love Jake's longer hair but this is a cool change. I am not worried because I am sure it will grow back in no time! And GREAT post, PG!!

Anonymous said...

It was only a few days ago I was thinking that I really miss the Jake running pics. I'm satisfied now, thanks JW!

Sam said...

yep im loving the hair change too, now i just cant wait to see more pics that well can i say are a little "hotter?" hehe

Anonymous said...

Regarding the race finish pictures: Oh, dear. I hope that's not Jake's "o" face. If so, I prefer when he's acting out an orgasm, since he has a far more fantasy-worthy expression.

You know a friend is a true one when he runs right past your ass & does not hold himself back to make you look better by finishing ahead of him.

phoebe said...


PG, you freaking rock! I so needed this. Thanks, girl! :D

Anonymous said...

Quote nice anonymous: Oh, dear. I hope that's not Jake's "o" face. If so, I prefer when he's acting out an orgasm, since he has a far more fantasy-worthy expression. Unquote.

Im sure that was a look of pure pain my dear - not pleasure :D

Quote: You know a friend is a true one when he runs right past your ass & does not hold himself back to make you look better by finishing ahead of him. Unquote.

I'm sure Chris took great pleasure and Jake will not hear the last of it for years to come. Henceforth, Chris shall be known as "He who beat your ass by 14 seconds".

chris said...

Actually, stripped of his makeup and the rest of what is used to sex him up for photo shoots and movies, Jake looks amazingly ordinary. Not even handsome. Interesting and perfectly pleasant looking, but otherwise nobody you would look at a second time if you didn't know he was a movie star. His legs look positively scrawny, his face almost too narrow and well, just very very plain. I guess most of the Hollywood look is makeup, etc.

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