PROPHECY GIRL REPORTS FROM THE RED CARPET...OR AT LEAST DOWN THE STREET FROM IT!

Dear Jake,
Remember days and days and days ago when you called me up, personally, yourself, and you said, "PG, I know you are currently being held in a Mexican prison by Ed Marrakesh but let's face it. I can't make my own Hollywood premiere and by God, if someone has to show up in my place, it might as well be britpopbaby. But she doesn't want to go, so how about you?" And remember how I said, "Yes, I will temporarily break out of my holding cell to do this for you but Paramount isn't going to like it because The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies has already wiped off the map any chance of Zodiac being successful?"

I thought now would be a good time to give you an update.

OBVIOUSLY learning that I was en route to the premiere, Paramount decided to cancel the public event, presumably while I was somewhere over the Grand Canyon. I must admit the sneak attack worked and I was caught, shall we say, unawares. It was low to go to all that trouble just so that all my adoring fans wouldn't get to see me walk the red carpet, but I've now learned that those Paramount bastards will stop at nothing.

Seeing the crisis at hand, Agent Katie (whom you may remember from the BAFTA's a few weeks back and already stationed in LA for this particular assignment) used her impressive resources to secure us tickets to an advance screening of Zodiac. Over breakfast at Urth Cafe, I laughed heartily to think how the studio execs would react when they found out I was not only going to see the movie, but going to see it a day earlier than everyone else. Ha ha ha.

Around 4:00 pm, shortly after the arrival of Agent Dani, it was learned that Paramount was, suspiciously, hosting an "invite-only" screening of Zodiac at 6:30 where the stars were sure to show up. Interesting. It looked like our viewing would have to be put off, mainly because I'd already spent $3.50 to buy a copy of Esquire magazine with Robert Downey, Jr. (Celebrity Agent) on the cover and another $1.99 for a Sharpie.

Dani narrowly avoided breaking the sound barrier and got us to the Paramount lot in record time. She used her agent wiles to talk us into the gates, but we had to go right back out again because the red carpet was actually at the entrance down the road and also because we were only let in to turn around and the guards probably had guns. We found a parking spot down the street and walked over to stand in line with the paparazzi this blog admires so sincerely. The security guard at this (correct) entrance was slightly less pleasant than the first guard, and he yelled at me when I tried to take a picture of the red carpet. See, I was standing on the driveway and apparently it was important that I stay on the sidewalk at all times. But he didn't realize that you had asked me to be there, so I tried not to hold it against him.

From the sidewalk, though, I was able to get a nice shot of the setup:
The man on the left was the one who yelled at me, so feel free to have him fired. There was nothing to do then but eavesdrop on the paps. One of them hated Oprah (I knew these people weren't human) and there was the repeated lament that you weren't going to be there. I heard one woman (I kid you NOT) say, "But he went to the one in Tokyo! Oh, wait, that was Spider-man 3. Never mind."

At 5:30, the paparazzi were let in, but their names were on a list and they had to be cleared by photo ID, so unfortunately I was unable to get into the press area, even though my paparazzi skills are clearly above being questioned. (Example.) Fine. Whatever. Who wants to get close to a bunch of celebrities who aren't you (even though your sister was on the guest list)? If we had to stand on the sidewalk, we would stand on the sidewalk.

So we stood on the sidewalk. Until someone came out and told us we couldn't stand on the sidewalk but had to stand down by the street where we could see nothing. A non-JW operative met up with us although he seemed to know about the blog. It's possible he was just being polite, but I'd like to think that my international fame has reached such a height that even non-Jake (Watch) fans (poor, misguided souls) both recognize and adore me.

Once reaching the quarantined section of the sidewalk outside the Paramount gates, we were joined by Rachel, who actually did know who I was. Which was awesome. So I gave her a button.
A few more of your fans showed up. There were probably about 15 of us altogether, mostly there for you, which was a little sad since you weren't there. A random woman with blond hair rolled down her window as she cruised by and reaffirmed for the billionth time you weren't going to show up and were already back in Africa. I was like, "Bitch, please. They all know that! They're here to see me." OK, no I didn't.

The arrivals continued and the sun went down so it was really cold. I spend a lot of time standing outside in the cold for you, it seems. Someone claiming to be Mark Ruffalo's brother came sauntering off of the Forbidden Sidewalk and told us you were going to be there and then took pictures of some of your fans. Not me, though, because I wasn't really paying attention and also I wasn't sure it was really Mark Ruffalo's brother, especially since I knew more about your whereabouts than he did.

Other than that, it was mostly lots of standing in the cold watching cars with tinted windows go by. I may or may not have been able to make out the blurry figure of Emmy Rossum in the distance (OK, an exiting pap had to identify her for us). Was that Robert Downey, Jr.? Who the hell knows? I didn't bring binoculars. I don't know if your sister showed up. I know that's not very agently of me, but I told you this was a bad idea. I knew Paramount wasn't happy with me, but I didn't know they were going to ban me from being inside the gates.

When it was finally over and I had succumbed to low-level hypothermia, the paps exited and I got a press badge off one of them (and took it back to the hotel and took a picture of it on a towel):
As it turned out, though, most of the paps were total assholes and almost no one else got a press badge because they "couldn't" give them away, or they "collected" them, or (more frequently) they didn't feel it necessary to acknowledge the few frozen people left on the sidewalk. So all in all, it was a really fun chance to interact with other people who enjoy Bubble Boy...but maybe next time you should come with me.

Headed back to the jungle...
Prophecy Girl

P.S. I guess this means I won't be seeing Zodiac until I leave LA now. I have friends here who think I came to see them or something. I know. Like, what the hell, right? But I can assure you that when I see it, it'll get a seriously kick-ass review on Jake Watch.
P.P.S. I put up a picture of us in the forum! It's way better than any sketchy piece you get off Mark Ruffalo's brother.