HELLO MY DAHLINGS

My name is Madame Swiss and I have been recruited into the Jake Watch fold by the increasingly mysterious Number Six. My postion is a flexible one but know that I'm here to deal with the rather nasty business of rumors and gossip! I won't bore you with the fabulous details of my life just yet, just know I'm an old Southern Belle with more wisdom than Oprah rubbing up against an oak tree. But let's concentrate on the beautiful Jacob for now, dahlings.

So, I was out pruning my camellias last Thursday when Rev Gregor rode past on his bicycle, spouting some trolly about my dearest Jacob and one Miss Reese Witherspoon-mont. Well, sweet home Alabama! It'll be a dark day in Albuquerque before I see that petticoat rustling the follicles of my sweet, innocent Jacob. I said to the pastor, as he came to a screechin' halt right by my crocuses, where did he hear such damn nonsense? 'All over the place, Madame Swiss! There making a moving picture together back in the Old World'. I almost collasped right there on my secateurs. A woman in her position with that naive boy in the backwaters of god knows where! Well, I'm telling you all right now, ain't nothing but poppycock. She's cute in a 'reserve-cheerleader-squad' sort of fashion but Jacob knows better than to upset his Mama Swiss and make her come over all unnessecary. And that's the end of that.

PARAMOUNT BRINGS IT, JAKE WATCH BRINGS IT HARDER

We here at the Jake Watch Headquarters have been receiving occasional distress signals from the jungles of Mexico, among which involved concern about this television spot for Zodiac:



We are assuming the call came from Prophecy Girl, as the sender used several expletives in reference to the promotional wars that continue between the companies (Paramount and Jake Watch) releasing Jake's next two movies back-to-back. Readers may remember back in November when Paramount released the theatrical trailer for Zodiac mere days after the first promotional poster for The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies (aka Jake Watch: The Movie) went up on Jake Watch. Hardly a coincidence. This time, however, it was Paramount who made the first move, and Jake Watch definitely felt the pressure.

Which is why, dear agents, TDATND now has not one, but three websites. Yes, THREE! And the official release date has been bumped up to February 2, a full month before Zodiac's March 2! What was left of the script after the final draft was stolen from the vault is being reworked in segments, and will go up every Friday starting this Friday, meaning the potential for not one red carpet premiere, but one every week until it's all published. Take that, you Paramount bitches.

Agents, we need your help. Show your support by going to the brand-spanking new Official MySpace Film site for TDATND and then mosey on over to the Official TDATND Soundtrack site on MySpace Music. Finally, keep checking out the Official TDATND Movie Website and marvel at how professional it all looks. Befriend these sites. Make Paramount see that even if we don't technically have a film, we can still kick their ass.

I KNOW WHO I'M BEING NEXT HALLOWEEN

No, not Jake Gyllenhaal. FRANK!

As modelled by Gnarls Barkley:
Maybe I'm crazy.

Buy your own suprisingly expensive Frank The Rabbit costume HERE.

SITE UPDATES

As you may or may not have noticed, Jake Watch has undergone a cosmetic transformation in the past week. It's still under construction but hopefully the 'Xtras' link will be going live soon and also the 'Store' area will be revamped but more on that in a moment.

The emails have been changed in accordance with new security measures. To contact JW for any reason please use contact@jakewatch.com.

Under 'ROLL' you can find new link buttons (sexy bitches), so feel free to put them on your own page, myspace or drape them about your person.

For people viewing Jake Watch in FireFox or IE 7, we now have our own favicon. Basically a little 'JW' symbol in the URL box. It should also show up if you've saved us to Favorites. This now puts us on par with the BBC. Awesome, I think you'll agree.

Back to the 'STORE', we've had a few enquiries about the Jake Watch T-shirts. As you may remember, they have to be ordered in bulk to cut costs and dodge tax and stuff. If you're interested in getting an Official 100% Approved Luxurious JW T-shirt, head over to the forum and leave us a note. They will cost around £14 / $27 / 21 euros (includes P&P).

On to more serious business; we are still having no success in tracking the whereabouts of britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl. We have only found one clue at the scene - a bottle of blonde hair dye. L'Oreal.

JAKE TRIES STALKING; SHOWS LACK OF PROFESSIONALISM

And it was all captured on tape (click here or here)! Watch (listen) as he plays a harmonica and then claims to have removed his shirt during his last appearance on "The Ellen Degeneres Show." (See evidence below as to the extent of his disrobing.) Jake, Jake, Jake. Three messages? Faulty claims of nudity? It's a good thing you have an entire agency of professionally trained stalkers readily at your disposal for pointers...


Special thanks to veeveevee.

Picture courtesy of IHJ.

CELEBRITIES TO KEEP AN EYE ON

Any foe of Jake is a foe of Jake Watch. Could one of these people be responsible for the loss of Jake Watch's two top agents? Let's consider the suspects:
Sir Anthony Hopkins who, despite his knightly title, once tried to drag Jake off the red carpet so he could kidnap him.

John Madden, who directed Jake in Proof and then inappropriately manhandled him in an ill-fated kidnapping attempt.

This guy, for whatever he did. And his attempted kidnapping plot.

Robert Downey, Jr., who once broke Jake's wrist while trying to kidnap him.

Dustin Hoffman, who successfully kidnapped Jake away from Susan Sarandan.

And George Clooney, because he just can't be trusted.

Only time will tell, Agents, if one of these people is responsible for the latest kidnapping tragedy. It's best to keep a weather eye just in case. Over and out.

Picture credit: IHJ.

FINANCIAL STRAIN OF FAMILY LIFE FORCES MAGGIE INTO SHOP WORK

Yeah, pounding the old cash till beat 8-4 will soon get to you. Make a film once in a while would you, Sarsgaard?
credit: Celebrity Mound

BOO WATCH: IS A BOO A REPUBLICAN?

With his Dad's political leanings clearly identifiable and resolute, it would seem an impossibility for Boo to be anything but a flag-waving, blue-ass-loving Democratic, would it not?

But as these pictures, from like ages ago, show, Boo seems very attached to his rubber Dubya:
Does Boo's firm grip of Bush II show an allegiance to the Repbulican party that, eventually, was even too much for the open-minded head and heart hard of The G to stomach? Has this now led to the puggle's disappearance? Did Boo have his paws in a lot of pies that were some how entwined with the procurement of oil from the Middle East and an extension of the war in Iraq? Did he make Tony Blair his BITCH? HMMMM? Do I need to mention the red bandana?

Or perhaps it's just a dog toy and Boo, being a dog, cannot differentiate between a squeaky world leader and say, a squeaky dog bone?

Some Jake?

INITIAL STATUS REPORT

Hello agents, I am Number 6, the acting commander of Jake Watch.

As most of you will be aware of, there was a serious breach of security here at JW HQ on Friday 19th January. Intruders broke into the compound late in the evening and kidnapped britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl. Lt Dan also remains MIA. Emergency procedures were activated and I was drafted in to take control.

My identity must remain a secret to prevent further danger, to not only The G but also all agents and associates. We are currently tracking the whereabouts of britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl via the JW Transit Van that was used in the getaway. As to the perputrators of this crime, we have at this stage no clues.

Until our leaders are located and safely returned to us I have recruited a top team of bloggers to aid me in the task of keeping Jake Watch fully functional.

Thank you, agents.

Number Six


PS: The new forum is now OPEN. Visit by clicking the link in the menu bar. The old forum can still be accessed by clicking HERE.

RESUMING NORMAL SERVICE...ALMOST

JAKE: Pull my finger!
TOBEY: Oh god, what a classic! This guy is awesome. He woulda made a better Spiderman than me, no doubt.

INTRUDER ALERT

INTRUDER ALERT
INTRUDER ALERT
INTRUDER ALERT

CODE RED
CODE RED
CODE RED

ALL AGENTS REPORT TO STATIONS IMMEDIATELY
ALL AGENTS REPORT TO STATIONS IMMEDIATELY
ALL AGENTS REPORT TO STATIONS IMMEDIATELY

THIS IS NOT AN DRILL
THIS IS NOT AN DRILL
THIS IS NOT AN DRILL

INTRUDER ALERT
INTRUDER ALERT
INTRUDER ALERT

CODE RED
CODE RED
CODE RED

ALL AGENTS REPORT TO STATIONS IMMEDIATELY
ALL AGENTS REPORT TO STATIONS IMMEDIATELY
ALL AGENTS REPORT TO STATIONS IMMEDIATELY

THIS IS NOT AN DRILL
THIS IS NOT AN DRILL
THIS IS NOT AN DRILL

ZODIAC? WHO CARES ABOUT ZODIAC?

You may remember that Jake Watch promised to deliver Jake in a movie before Zodiac. Have we ever failed to come through? I think not.

Alright, Zodiac, you've got a trailer, a GQ interview, one movie poster...guess it's time we take this up a notch. Never before seen, I present to you, the official movie poster of The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies (working title, Jake Watch: The Movie):


Oh, wait! 'Cause no movie worth it's buzz has just one official poster, we got two, baby! Count 'em. One, two.


Man, you don't even have to tell me how awesome I am for making these. I am sometimes astounded by my own brilliance. I would also like to thank the late, great Joyce Davenport for titling our flick.

The problem is this, friends. The recent security breaches seem to have culminated in the ultimate crime: the Jake Watch script has been stolen from the vault (what? no!) and it looks like our release date is going to be pushed back again by at least a week or so while our diligent writing team (*cough*me*cough*) gets some shit in order. Oh, what to do in the meantime? What to do indeed.

I'll tell you! Check out The Official TDATND Website and read up on the history on the movie (surprisingly non-humorous). Also, until I start putting up the script, I will be periodically posting the artwork of ATD who has done an entire promotional campaign for us. And to prove that I'm not actually making this up, here's a little excerpt for you:

We flashback to Harvard-Westlake High School, circa 1995 (swirly graphics and dream music accompany the time shift):

ED stands off in background, alone, watching JAKE (wearing his postage stamp t-shirt…huh, who knew it was so old?) who is popular and surrounded by friends. They are looking at something on the wall.

JAKE: Locker partner, baby! Who wants to be my locker partner?

(MAROON 5 FRONTMAN) ADAM LEVINE: Man, you got top pick again? You’re rigging the system aren’t you?

JAKE: What can I say? I was born lucky.

DAVID BOREANAZ walks up wearing a maroon shirt (I didn't know he went to high school with Jake! OK, he didn't...but this is the only time this story strays from the absolute truth).

DAVID: Jake! How you doing, man?

JAKE: Five by five. Ooh, I like that maroon shirt.

ADAM LEVINE stands off quietly putting the pieces together.

ADAM LEVINE: Maroon? Five? My God, that’s brilliant.

He rushes off to find his bandmates while JAKE flashes a charming grin and then announces to the crowd:

JAKE: I’m going to be the only underclassman with a locker outside in the quad and I can choose whoever I want to be my locker partner. This is the best day of my life!

He laughs, not in an evil way; just good-natured fun. He puts his arm around a person standing next to him who will remain gender-neutral lest we be accused of making assumptions about Jake’s sexual preferences. The group walks off.

ED, still away from the crowd, hears everything. His face shows he would give anything to be JAKE’S locker partner.

ED (softly): Pick me, Jake. Pick me!

He slowly walks over to where they stood. Close up of a piece of paper taped to wall:

“Sophomore Locker Lottery,”

“1. Jake Gyllenhaal”

ED searches the page, searching, searching, finally finding his name at the very bottom.

“199. Ed Medina.”

ED (to himself): I’ll be stuck with a basement locker. Again.

ED walks outside to the spot of the coveted lockers. JAKE and friends are hitting them, laughing, deciding which one JAKE should choose. Again, this is all very over-the-top.

The bell rings. The crowd dissipates and JAKE rushes by ED, not noticing him. ED’s face shows his devastation. He is in love, but he doesn’t know it yet.

Cut to classroom. JAKE and ED sit side by side. JAKE leans over.

JAKE: Dude.

ED freezes at the prospect of Jake talking to him. He slowly turns his head

ED: Um. Uh.

JAKE: Dude. Are you deaf?

ED: What?

JAKE: For God’s sake, man, I’ve been trying to give you this note for the past 5 minutes.

ED responds, so hopeful it’s painful.

ED: You wrote me a note?

Did Jake write the note to Ed? Will Ed be Jake's locker partner? Who is Ed Medina? And what the hell does this have to do with Jake Watch? Oh. Stay tuned; this is only the beginning...

Oh, and guys? Something really needs to be done about this security thing...

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD...

...is my freaking shirt making me look fat? Excuse me, I have to go find a full length mirror.

BRITPOPBABY READS JAKE'S GQ INTERVIEW AND IS MOSTLY CONFUSED.

1. The word 'milquetoast' is used.

2. Jake likes to watch pigs being slaughtered.

3. Interviewer and Jake talk about ellipsies. britpopbaby shudders as the ghost of James Joyce taps her on the shoulder and says, 'Remember me?'

4. Robert Downey Jnr describes Jake as '...wet, dark and wild'. There is no explanation of this comment. Unfortunately.

5. Interviewer accidentally insults Jake. jake responds by doing a faux English accent and then a monkey impression.

6. Interviewer keeps mentioning 'leathery woman'. Is she Jake? No. So do we care? No.

7. Jake demands a pug to wipe his chicken wing covered hands on, which leads beautifully into how he has a Boo.

8. Caddyshack? Kill me. Kill me now.

9. When interviewer says, 'Wow, you're a traditonally guy.' Jake replies, 'Not really...but, yeah.'

10. My new favourite Jake quote: 'Brutha, the mountain is many things'.

11. They have a fake Shakepeare's Globe Theatre in LA. Sacrilegious.

12. Jake and interviewer attempt to break in to fake Globe Theatre. Again, no explanation.

13. Jake has a bitchin' car...but says he's going to buy two hybrids. Why does one person need two cars?

14. Jake screams at his GPS.

15. Jake keeps mucho sporting equipment in his trunk. You never know when you might need a squash raquet.

RUBRIC RODEO

It's that time of the year again; caption it!

Pic from tekio @ IHJ Forum.

The winner of last months competition was (drumroll...no?) Anneka!
"Although Jake tried to bring an air of professionalism to his role as 'Chorus Member No. 5', he could not help himself when he spotted Sarsgaard in the audience."

MAN HAS THE AUDACITY TO STAGE FASHION CRISIS IN PRESENCE OF JAKE

EVERYONE AT LAX HORRIFIED. PLANES GROUNDED.

Not to get all 'Go Fug Yourself' up in here but , dude, does your tailor hate you? Obviously not an agent of this fine establishment. Good to know Jake has reached the level of stardom where he needs personal airport security. Still not at this level though:

More at IHJ.com (of Jake, not Britney...duh)

JAKE CROSSES BACK OVER THE GENDER LINE IN FORMAL WEAR

And he still looks good! How does he do it? Jake Watch would like to thank Hilary Swank for acting as a temporary agent (and doing a damned fine job at it) at last night's Golden Globe Awards. For your viewing pleasure:

Pics from me! OK, from IHJ.

GOSSIP! WELL WHEN I SAY GOSSIP...

...I mean elaborate lies, but what the hell, it's Tuesday! (Golden Globes action coming later although be warned Jake was not wearing that beautiful dress he wore for SNL)

From the (cough, cough, cough) National Enquirer (UK/Eire Edition):

Reese and Jake Play Santa to Each Other! (not as sexy as it first sounds)

Christmas was merrier than Reese Witherspoon, 30, expected, thanks to her co-star in the upcoming CIA thriller Renedition, Jake Gyllenhaal, 26! (way to use grammar, NE). Down in the dumps since she filed for divorce from cheating (woah! slander much?) husband Ryan Phillippe, 32, in November, Reese was all smiles when Kirsten Dunst's ex-beau (all that work, Jake and this is how you shall forever be remembered), suprised her with a ladies' Schwinn bicycle a few days before Christmas while the two were on the LA set, a source reports! (oh, good old source!). Jake, who's been photographed recently cycling all over LA, even (actual quote coming up) "told her he could help her get reacquainted [with biking]," adds the source. "Reese was flattered beyond words and said maybe they could go riding together after New Year's." As a thank you, Reese presented Jake with a gift certificate for an expensive caviar firming facial at The Beverly Hills Hotel Spa by La Prairie (ooo, the gift that keeps on giving!). Sounds like Jake and Reese are becoming fast friends! It has already been reported that the Brokeback Mountain star had a crush on Reese! (oh shut up).

Usually I wouldn't have given this sort of report a second look but something just rings true about Jake buying bikes for, like, everybody. I bet even Ramona got one.

On to more serious issues. Yesterday, Prophecy Girl noticed that all the highlighter pens have vanished and this guy was seen using the ladies bathroom. He did not wash his hands.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

There does appear to be a never-ending supply of these...

"It's not snow, it's soap. It sizzles! It's amazing!"

- Jake Gyllenhaal, your future local meteorologist source

Bonus points for using the words "sizzles" and "amazing" to describe soap.

Seriously, though guys, what is going on with security? First the HQ break-in and now the SNL after-party? I mean, did we even authorize this guy?

Pic from my personal after-party collection...er, otherwise known as IHJ.

INTERNAL MEMO

Just a quick note for all UK agents. Moonlight Mile starring Jake, Dustin Hoffman and a sheepskin coat will be airing tonight on BBC1 at 10.45pm.

Also, Prophecy Girl and I are getting quite unnerved at the state of security around the old Jake Watch Headquarters. Yesterday we found the back door to the top secret genetic cloning research lab kicked in and this morning I couldn't find the gin for my cornflakes. If anyone sees Lt. Dan, tell him we want a word.

THE AS-IT-HAPPENS SNL RECAP

When Jake goes live, so do we! Let's hope this goes better than the last time I tried this. I was three days into the job (was I ever so young?) and Jake was presenting at the ESPY's. Don't remember? Yeah, me either, and I wrote the damned thing. Apparently it was controversial, though. What I do remember is the endless discussions across the internet about how "inaccurate" my recap was. Dudes, embrace the novelty of the live posting! If I had a photographic memory on top of all my other stellar attributes, I wouldn't even be human.

So here's how this is going to work: After each sketch, this post will be updated with a quick summary. No instant replay, it's all as it happens and written during commercial breaks. I kind of envisioned half of Europe staying up all night to follow this with me, but since we didn't tell anyone I was going to do this, I'm guessing it'll just be a few West Coasters who don't care about spoilers. If that.

Annnnnd here we go! (Thanks to veeveevee for getting these on YouTube for us!!)

Opening Sketch: Unimportant because Jake's not in it. But I might as well write something while we're waiting for him. Heh. It's George W. three days after his address to America. Man, making fun of the President is always hilarious...but we're really starting off in top form here; 75 million troops to Iraq! Ha!

Opening Monologue: It's Jake! Suit, blue shirt...looking quite studly. And then...HE SINGS! IN A WIG! AND A DRESS! (Check out those arms.) And that boy can SING, baby! Gay cowboys sway in the audience...you gotta see it to believe it.

Watch it HERE.

Sketch 2:
Summary: Deep House Dish (a recurring skit with fictional musical guests of the European techno variety). Jake plays a guest, and there's more singing! Crazy dancing! Even crazier accent! And some unauthorized fondling of Amy Poehler.
Tongue action (y/n): I don't think so, although it definitely showed up in the monologue.
Socks visible (y/n): Alas, no.
On a scale of 1-10: 9 for the accent alone.

Watch it HERE.

Commercial break.

Sketch 3:
Summary: Bronx Beat (fictional talk show). Jake plays Frank O'Connor, the author of a book on mountain biking (heh), and the hosts can't get over how adorable he is.
Tongue action (y/n): I should pay more attention if I'm going to answer this every time.
Socks visible (y/n): Nope.
On a scale of 1-10: 8 for the excellent green jacket and the smiling.

Watch it HERE.

Sketch 4:
Summary: Donald Trump talks "The Apprentice" and rags on Rosie O'Donnell.
Tongue action (y/n): N/A
Socks visible (y/n): N/A
On a scale of 1-10: 0 for complete lack of Jake.

Commercial break.

Sketch 5:
Summary: Jake is on a date at a restaurant where the "food is cool." Jake's "cool meatballs" wear sunglasses, play music, and smoke. Jake doesn't know whether to eat them or "ask them to make a mix tape." Seriously, who comes up with this shit?
Tongue action (y/n): Dammit, I failed again.
Socks visible (y/n): Definitely no.
On a scale of 1-10: 10 for Jake actually cracking up and meatballs wearing shades.

Watch it HERE.

SNL Digital Short:
Summary: "Political take" on Laser Cats! Bill Hader and Andy Samberg are hilarious as usual, and Jake is the nefarious villain, Dr. Scientist. Complete with a really bad mustache (ha!) and dressed in aluminum foil. He's unfortunately killed with a Laser Cat.
Tongue action (y/n): No.
Socks visible (y/n): If so, they were foil.
On a scale of 1-10: 10 for Jake's "evil laugh."

Watch it HERE.

Sketch 6:
Summary: "Stock Footage Awards." Jake accepts award for "Obese People on a City Street." Look at his hair!
Tongue action (y/n): No.
Socks visible (y/n): No.
On a scale of 1-10: 7 for the awesome wig.

Watch it HERE.

Commercial break.

Musical Guest...The Shins! Nicely introduced, Jake. I didn't know there was a chick in the band! Man, I like lived off The Shins back in college. "Kissing the Lipless?" Anyone? No?

Commerical break.

Weekend Update
Usually my favorite portion of the evening, but tonight, I can't be bothered. 10 minutes without Jake? Whatever shall I do? Hey, wanna know a bit of Jake Watch trivia? The Bubble Boy Rap was originally the Brokeback Mountain Rap and I wrote half of my portion before we switched movies. A sample:

"But Ennis, he's a virigin, yeah he's drunk now sure,
Can't go up to sheep, can't get up off the floor,
Forty winks and a blanket he thinks'll do the trick,
But he's in the tent now, hand down on Jack's OH!

First night in the tent! First night in the tent!

Fo' shizzle.

It's a one shot thing, that's what they say the next day,
'Cause this thing going on, don't mean those mothafuckas's gay!
The second night, "it's alright," is what Jack say to Ennis,
'Fore he lay them both down and they get down to business.

Second night in the tent! Second night in the tent!"

And then fill in the part apart Aguirre kicking them off the mountain.

"He's got his mind on his money, money on his mind,
But Jack's a hell of a distraction when he shows his behind."

And that's as far as I got.

If the evening weren't going so well, I'd say something about how they should be using our raps, but really, Jake's on fire. He should host every week.

Commercial break. Oooh, looks like Jake'll be blonde this time around.

Sketch 7:
Summary: "Law and Order Master Class." Jake is the star student and does a seriously impressive run of "finding the body" scenes.
Tongue action (y/n): No.
Socks visible (y/n): No, but awesome shoes.
On a scale of 1-10: 9 for faux drinking and the "Law and Order" bum-bum.

Watch it HERE.

Commercial break.

Sketch 8:
Summary: Party, Jake and Maya Rudolph set up two people in wheelchairs.
Tongue action (y/n): No.
Socks visible (y/n): No.
On a scale of 1-10: 11 for "You need a witness for the wedding or something?" and "WHAT?" "NO!!" and "Dude, I didn't even know you were in a wheelchair!"

Watch it HERE.

Commercial break.

More Shin action!
Jake introduces them wearing a shirt saying "Ramona." Aw, Uncle Jake!

Sketch 9:
Summary: Lawyer ad. Jake has some ridiculous twitch.
Tongue action (y/n): No.
Socks visible (y/n): No.
On a scale of 1-10: 6 for being way too short.

Watch it HERE.

And it's over! Overall, Jake was one of the best hosts I've ever seen and I'm not just saying that because I'm horribly biased. Well done! Now, as you can imagine, I've been invited to the after party, so I gotta run...

IN FROMAGE

Being from outside of the USA, I've never been quite down with the SNL but, for some reason, I still know all about Choppin' Broccoli, Jimmy Fallon and how it's got a bit shit. So, all in all I', just as excited about tonight as our American viewers as hopefully someone will upload to YouTube promptly and slyly. FYI, NBC, you suck.

In honour of tonights proceedings Prophecy Girl and myself have composed a short (read: long) ditty, inspired (read: palgarised) by The Chronic-WUH-cles of Narnia. If you have never seen Bubble Boy, 1. You majorly suck AND blow and 2. this will make little sense.

THE BUBBLE BOY RAP
To be sung in the key of 'muthafucker'

J to the I to the M, M, Y
That's Jimmy, muthafucker and I'm the bubble guy.
I'm no Snoop Dogg and I'm no Fiddy Cent
But still sit your ass down, I'm about to represent!

My Mom says Jimmy came gift wrapped from above,
And all I ever needed was her suffocating love.
I stayed in my room and watched life from a far
It was pretty cool as I had an electric rock music guitar!

But then something happened and it hurt kinda bad
Mom said just pledge allegiance to the flag.
With all the neighborhood haters, man I just couldn't win,
Then I looked out my window and saw Chloe moving in.

I soon fell in love with that whore next door,
But stuck in my bubble it was damn hard to score.
I always knew she was an awesome chick,
though Mom said she wasn't a friend Jesus would pick.

Lets take it to the bridge with my main man Pushpop. Say whaaaat?!

If you havin' karma problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 gods but Jesus isn't one.

Cut the vato!

Yeah, Chloe and me, well we got kinda tight,
Even got into my decontamination tunnel one night,
But she brought over this guy and I knew he was trouble.
'Cause next thing I know, he's dry-humping my bubble.

Off to Niagra she went, she's gonna marry this poser,
I gave back Bubble Guinea but I know it ain't over.
So I stayed up real late making a portable suit.
That's right muthafucker, I'm out the door, in hot pursuit.

Short delay at the bus station, no cash for speaker guy,
Damn bus full of cult people came rolling on by,
They tell me of the Kloobda and the of Round One
And how they could mutate and burn on Planet PX41.

Later found me a biker with one hella fly ride,
We hit Vegas for some gambling and some pimping on the side,
But this trip to Niagra, it ain't nothing but strain,
Lost the biker, freaked my mom, then I bounced in a train.

That's where I met freaks worse off than me,
This tiny dude runs the show, but don't call him "mini!" see,
They had this human sasquatch 'bout 8 foot tall,
But his name wasn't sasquatch it was just Claude.

If you havin' karma problems I feel bad for you, son
I got 99 gods but Jesus isn't one.

Get crunk.

Aight fools, where we at? Is this story over yet?
'Cause I know if you was me, you'd be starting to fret,
But I'm J-I-double-Mizzle-to the Yizzle, that's for real,
And my story's got some twists before we're closing this deal.

'Cause 'fore I get to the Falls, and give Chloe a holler,
I mud wrestle some shorties to win 500 dollahs.
500 dollahs!
500 dollahs!
And the freaks and the cult, see they gotta meet up,
Then I hitch a ride with Pappy but he dies in the truck.

I went gansta, stole a beer and got drunk off a sip,
But if you're gonna hit the sauce, let me give you a tip,
Don't do it when your parents are around, aight homey?
I got some dirt on my shoulder, can't you brush it off fo' me?

Man, we're almost there now, with some help from a plane,
But it's Pippy, not Pappy, bitches both look the same.
Crash land in the Falls, me and the water gots to grapple
But I'm a survivor like Beyonce and I make it to the chapel.

Burst into the church cos nigga likes to make a scene,
Chloe's all like, 'Jimmy, oh god! Where you been?'
I gotta kiss you once no matter what I said,
Then hit the floor smiling cos I'm passed out dead.

Has homie passed on to the globule in the sky?
Can this really be the end for our brave bubble guy?
Dad says honey, tell him the truth please
Turns out a got a shit load of 'mmunities

So me and Chloe get wed and that's the end of this aong
Better wrap it up now cos it's already taken too long.
Let's go back to the buffet and get us a beer
Farewell muthafuckers, Pushpop; boy, you take it from here!

If you havin' karma problems I feel bad for you, son
I got 99 gods but Jesus isn't one.

That's a wrap, boiiiii.

(fade out)

copyright 2006. All rights reserved. Simon Cowell, call me okay?

JAKE'S SNL PROMO: 12 HOURS LATER

Still pretty random. Thank you, veeveevee for uploading this to YouTube! That was some fast-thinking agently work you did there. I give it a 7 for randomness and a 10 for goofy-off-screen-Gyllenhaal-grin-y-ness.

Watch all 10 glorious seconds of it here. And yes, the tongue does make a cameo.

STING OF OSCAR LOSS LESSENED AS JAKE WINS YET ANOTHER AWARD FOR BEING DOABLE

Aw, Jake. You're just so damned cute! I'm sure the Oscars and Golden Globes will start piling up soon, but in the meantime, you can be happy that you seem to be universally attractive to all members of the human race. And can you blame us? Handily winning a poll that for once I don't think was influenced by quick-fingered Jake Watch Agents, Jake blew away the competition in Gay.com's Best of 2006. He easily defeated fellow track junky Ryan Phillipe and my homedog Justin "I can't believe he's in the same category as Jake Gyllenhaal" Timberlake for "Male Celeb You Most Wish Was Gay." Inexplicably, Jake wasn't nominated in the "Hottest Male Body" category (Daniel Craig) or "Person of the Year" (Stephen Colbert...I love Stephen as much as the next left-wing nutjob, but I don't think he's yet given us a gift to humanity that can compete with the Santa Dance..although who didn't love the Green Screen Challenge?). George W. ran off with "Person You Most Wish Would Go Away" so using britpopbaby logic, I think we can safely say that Dubya did not vote for Jake in this poll and therefore Republicans are the only group of people that are immune to the Gyllenhaal charm.

Regarding Jake (Jack):

"We blame Ang Lee -- if the "Brokeback Mountain" director hadn't cast the lean, dreamily dark-eyed Jake as hopeless romantic Jack Twist, and then put him in that sexy shearling coat, and then made him say the line, "We could have had a good life" with such heartbreaking sincerity, we might not have fallen in love with him. Now, it's too late. Who among us hasn't wished we were snuggled up with him in a tent on a snowy mountaintop? We could have a good life, still, Jake, if only you would have us." gay.com

Say it with me, now, "Awwwwww!"

Summary of results here, pic from some random place on the internet.

A POINTLESS EXCERCISE IN GYLLENHAAL HERITAGE STUDIES

Highly scientific experiment conducted at MyHeritage.

Question: Which celebrity does Jake Gyllenhaal most resemble?
Answer: Suprisingly, Jake Gyllenhaal!

Conclusion: Whilst britpopbaby is impressed that MyHeritage thinks Jake looks 97% like himself, she must express concern over the lack of Tobey Maguire resemblance statistics put foward by aforementioned site. As everyone knows, Maguire is Jake's long lost, slightly less attractive, twin brother; seperated at birth by some tragic hospital admin error yet, as if destiny planned it, both carved out a name in Hollywood as 'that one with the big eyes - no, the other one...yeah, him'. Also, a hobbit? WTF?

So what has this taught us about The Gyllenhaal's heritage? Nada except Nicholas Cage is his real father so that makes Lisa-Marie Presley his ex-stepmother which makes Elvis his late ex-stepgrandfather, i.e Jake is related to Elvis. Thank you.

Okay, I'm off for a hard days graft so behave or else I'll tell you all a secret likely to devastate your lives forever. Seriously.

JAKE, YOU REALLY NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL

In an act of uncharacteristic foolishness, Jake Gyllenhaal was photographed leaving the top secret Jake Watch Headquarters last week carrying the Jake Watch: The Movie script. Note the deer-in-the-headlights look as he realizes he's been caught:
Unfortunately, the tragedy didn't stop there. Despite his hurried attempts to escape, Jake was unable to stop paparazzi from capturing a fellow Jake Watch Agent on film. I would like to commend our Covert Ops and Makeup Team for successfully making britpopbaby look like a middle-aged balding man.
But where was he taking the script? Ah, my dear Agents, all will be revealed soon. Very soon...

Pics from IHJ.

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"But of course I’ve had a lot of young girls come up to me and they’re so cute and so sweet and I’m so flattered. It happens a lot with them and it’s pretty cool that the same day you’ll go to a street fair and a guy who has no pants on, like his butt cheeks are coming out of his leather pants, and he says he likes my movie too."
Jake Gyllenhaal, chap of the fans, fan of the chaps, .

What kind of street fairs are these, Jake?

BOO WATCH: SIBLING RIVALRY?

We've long suspected that Boo, Showbiz pet Mogul and Puggle Extordanaire, has somewhat of an 'upper paw' when it comes to the old Gyllenhaal family dynamic, but new pictures of 'Mother's Day Beach Stroll and Casual Low Altitude Rock Climbing' have surfaced which throws into disarray everything we once thought we knew.

1. In this first picture you will notice how Boo appears to be fussing about something. The Gyllenhaals look on alarmed and confused, apart from Atticus, who couldn't give a crap. What's Boo upset about? I can only presume it's because he is a, having to walk and b, having to walk alongside someone who isn't Jake. Don't judge dear Boo, you know you'd be exactly the same.

2. It appears firm words have now been had and the puggle has been silenced. Boo's rightful postion continues to be ursurped by the Alsation. He resorts to giving Atticus "the evils". Atticus, yet again, could not give a crap.

3.Boo's childish antics are heavily reprimanded as he is made to walk in a regimented fashion BEHIND Jake and Atticus. Is there a finer indignity for a puggle to suffer? The shame. Atticus on the other hand, looks mighty chipper about the whole incident.

So, fellow A-list mutt aficinados, who is truly the alpha dog in this love triangle? Discuss.

Pics from IHJ.

JAKE BUSTS INTO THE JAKE WATCH ARCHIVES AGAIN

For the love of crap, Jake! How many times do I have to tell you not to go down there? You just end up scaring yourself and crying in the corner!

FOOD SHOPPING! MINUS BIKES AND LYCRA! HOLY GOD!

Lackey: Jake, are you going to help me carry these bags?
Jake: Nope. Please understand it takes all my effort to look this cool.

Agents, Jake is looking so ice cold at the moment he needs his own theme music to follow him round wherever he goes.

More pics at our homies crib, IHJ.com.

NEW MISSION: BRING NIGHT VISION GOGGLES!

Calling all agents, JAKE WATCH needs you!

Please email britpopbaby (britpopbaby@jakewatch.com), ASAP, for your mission statement.

SIGH

The look of lurve...(sing it with me)

I don't think I've ever seen Jake so happy or his eyebrows so voluptuous. There must be something in this, a happiness to brow width ratio.

Hollywood power couple? Yuhah!

Whose this guy? What does it matter, baby, what does it matter.

Unedited beach photos - what bliss!

Jake + Sarsy = Jarsy. Jarsy = fucking cute! Too fucking cute!

Despite the lack of recent pictures, he's the one and only. Don't even try to deny it.

Oh wait...that's a puppy in a teapot, not Jake. My bad!

Y'know, I don't know if Jake is still dating any of these people but I know, for sure, that at some point, he loved them all deeply and I totally support that 100%. I just gotta throw that out there. I'm in a loving mood.

Laters, my fellow lovers.