Part trois of Anneka's most amazing review. I hear TWOP a callin'. If only she'd learn to use Blogger then she could post these her damn self.
After the furor, paranoia, unfounded accusations and general hysteria that the word 'Ugly Git' managed to cause last time I was going to trawl through all 18 pages of the review and change the offending appellation to 'Austy-poo' but then I thought no, why the fuck should I, plus I really couldn't be arsed. Plus the name 'Austy-poo' makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Plus I have better things to do with my time like repeatedly bang my head against the cell wall.
If you need me I'll be out the back making lobster thermidor. Please address all official complaints to
.
........................................
DQ and his boss are trying to tell Vice Prez about the end of the world but true to form he doesn’t want to know. DQ urges him to evacuate the northern states, suggesting they use Disneyland as bait.
Jake and Co. are at the Natural History Museum where Ugly is obviously hoping to woo Emmy and do it behind a stuffed bison. Jake puts him in his place with a line about it being the world’s finest collection of stuffed animals. See it while you can boys, the world’s ending the day after tomorrow. Hey, that sounds like a good title for a film! SOH spots a mammoth that froze solid mid-chew. How interesting. Where’s the gift shop?
Back in snowy Scotland, Bilbo, Sexy and Stupid are snowed in. And yet their TV reception is crystal clear. Bilbo is remaining chipper, informing his colleagues that they have enough tea and biscuits to sink a ship. Man, if I wasn’t waiting for Jake, I’d give you my heart Tea and Biscuits. Bilbo also makes a joke about the loo backing up which they find very amusing. Call me weird but I imagine if I was up to my ankles in sewage, the last thing I’d be doing is laughing. Or maybe dancing is that last thing I’d be doing. Despite the joke, they all look a bit worried. They should be.
Some helicopters have been sent to pick up the Royal family. However, their fuel lines freeze (the helicopters, not the Royal family) and one by one, they drop out of the sky, pilots yelling very Britishly at the “golly-gosh bastard engines”. One pilot opens the door after crashing, and like the mammoth before him freezes solid before he has time to say “By Jove”. Royal family are therefore doomed. Oo, like Louis XVI in 18th Century France. Long live parliamentary democracy! "Liberté, egalité, fraternité, ou la mort!"
Bilbo is on the phone to DQ telling him the confidential news about the helicopters. If it’s confidential, who decided Bilbo needed to know? “Yes, tell the immediate family, the Prime Minister and the guy who monitors buoys up in Scotland.” The helicopters crashed because the temperature dropped to minus 150°F, they had to look it up. Should have asked Jake – he’s on the school quiz team. Bilbo doesn’t have enough RAM (oo, missus!) to run his data so he sends it to DQ, the son he never had. And didn’t want.
Back in New York, it’s still pissing down. The doorman at Ugly’s apartment says “Terrible weather”. What an informed doorman he is. Ugly’s apartment is okay, if you like that Upper East Side millionaire look. Emmy’s nosing at a photo of Ugly’s brother. Christ, she moves fast. SOH says it’s been raining for three days. Ever been to Britain, mate? That’s summer.
Jake is watching the news and sees that all the muggle platforms are flooded. No word on 9 and three quarters. Looks like the train is a no-go. Smiling smugly, told him so. As the news is predicating the end of the world, Ugly decides he better go and pick up his brother in Philly and invites the Super-Nerds along. Yay! ROAD TRIP! SOH is disturbed about walking to the car. What, do nerds melt in the rain? Lights flicker. Jake says they should take the stairs. As they start to complain, the electric goes off. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times people: listen to Jake! He’s really on a mission as he heads outside to find the street flooded. Emmy suggests staying inside. Ooooh, Jake, you could snuggle up on the rug before the fire and make the beast with two backs. But no, he wants to go home.
Shit! The CGI wolves have escaped from the zoo! I’m sure that won’t come back to bite someone in the ass. Or the leg. At work, Movie Mom sees the news about where her little bitty boy is staying and starts to panic. In New York, a homeless man steals some hot dogs. Man, that city is going downhill fast. Homeless man goes into the library but is immediately thrown out because of his dog. That’s a bit more like it, let’s have some order here. Three stroppy businessmen commandeer a bus, one of whom offers the 2nd best line of the film next to “We’ve hit a critical desalinisation point” – “Oh God I love buses. This is just so much fun. This is gonna be the bomb.”
Emmy, SOH and Ugly want to go back to the apartment but Jake wants to get higher. Not a time for mind-altering substances, you need to be alert. He suggests the library. Ahhh, yes. The place where the nerd feels most at home. Except a comic book convention. A picture of which I just happen to have here.
Luckily my face is blurry and shouldn’t permit autograph hunters to affect my everyday life. A woman and daughter speaking French are trapped in a taxi as the Super-Nerds head for the library. Emmy manages to cut her leg on a bit of taxi but upon hearing someone French in peril, she flies to the rescue. Avoiding the most fundamental rule a child can learn next to don’t eat things off the floor – always tell someone where you’re going!
Out at sea, a tidal wave washes over Lady Liberty towards the city. People are clambering to get in the library. Bet the librarians are wetting their knickers at the sight of so many users. And Jake, just a thought, but there are quite a few taller buildings than the library in New York. Jake suddenly realises there is no Emmy. And definitely no Oscar.
The wave comes inland. For the love of Billy Baldwin, do something Jake! French people have been rescued but have left their bag in the cab. Always check a cab before you get out people! Emmy trips back to get it, unaware of the wall of water right in front of her.
For a Super-Nerd, she really has no spacial awareness. Jake looks on, obviously distraught at the peril of the French bag. Emmy takes her time bag-hunting so Jake has to come to the rescue, hurtling down the steps, into the water, over a taxi. SOH tries to go after him but Ugly pulls him back. Didn’t know you cared Ugly. Perhaps while Emmy and Jake are bunking up, SOH will let you try on his glasses.
Jake points out massive wave and true to disaster movie form, Emmy gapes. Homeless man runs inside the library, carrying dog. Why do dogs always survive disaster movies? Remember that golden retriever in Independence Day? Ugly drags SOH indoors as the wave comes ever closer. Jake legs it up the stairs and he and Emmy are the last ones through the revolving doors. Everyone else, glug, glug, glug I’m afraid. By some miracle, Jake and Emmy are up another flight of stairs before Jake looks back to see water breaking the windows. Clean-up crew to foyer. Bring scuba equipment and a mop.
After all that excitement, it’s back to Scotland. DQ calls to explain that super-cold hurricanes froze the helicopters. Also that this storm will cover the globe, marking the beginning of a new ice age. Couldn’t you have just called to say “I love you” DQ? Everyone looks suitably gutted, except Stupid who just looks confused. DQ feels the need to speak privately to Bilbo, telling him it’s time to go. Bilbo explains the last bus has gone but unselfishly has time to say “Save as many as you can” before the phone cuts out. That’s a good bit. We’ll use that in the trailer. While DQ is looking pensive, Old Guy tells him something’s happened in New York. Bit of an understatement as we cut to New York being mostly underwater.
In the library, Emmy thanks Jake for his rescue efforts. Jake goes all awww shucks, probably thinking that now they can shack up. There’s some awkward silence then Emmy goes to return the bag that caused all this mess in the first place. I hope she took some money from their wallets as a reward. Ugly tells Jake to tell Emmy how he feels. Then Ugly tells Jake how he feels…oh wait, wrong film…oh wait, that’s not even a film. Ugly can’t get through to his brother ’cos there’s no service. By the way, this is the last we hear about Ugly’s brother so goodness knows what happens to him. Jake has an idea and hotfoots it to an information desk where the librarian has not abandoned her post even in this time of crisis. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a librarian after all. Jake’s after a payphone. They’re underwater but that won’t stop our Jake. He explains to Emmy that old payphones draw their power from underground lines. See, this is why he’s on the quiz team, ’cos he knows shit like that.
DQ meets Movie Mom who’s been crying about the watery fate of Jake. Davy Jones’s Locker? Don’t worry love, I have a feeling you’re about to get a phone-call from your deliciously handsome son. Jake and Emmy reach the payphones which look like they're installed in Hugh Hefner's
grotto except minus bunnies. Jake throws himself in and makes cold noises.
DQ and Movie Mom are drinking coffee and discussing why DQ is a bad father – he’s always at work when Jake has his picture taken. Yeah, but his job’s going to end up saving the world so it’ll have been worth it. DQ utters my next favourite line of the movie: “One more Daddy”, his voice breaking slightly at the thought of a baby Jake having a piggy-back ride. I laugh heartily. Old Guy Who Croaks before The End rushes in to tell them Jake’s on the phone. Told ya. Movie Mom utters another great line – “It’s Mom. I’m so happy you’re okay.” Jake judiciously ignores this stupidity and sensibly asks them to call Emmy and SOH’s parents. Not that they have the same parents…you get the idea. Jake hilariously loses his footing and falls into the icy water. Everyone starts panicking but he’s an excellent swimmer and pops right back up like a lilo. DQ explains about the super cold hurricanes, tells him to stay indoors and start fires. Parent of the Year Award goes to…DQ also says he’ll come for Jake, as anyone in their right or even wrong mind would.
Meanwhile the water has been rising and Jake’s properly underwater. Emmy’s wetting herself as she loses sight of him then wets herself again when he pops back up. Well, at least one of them’s warm. She pulls him out and gives his shivering body a hug, thinking now we get to play Doctors and Nurses. Despite being near hypothermia, Jake smiles. It’s really cute.
Hugging Movie Mom, DQ asks where the artic gear is. Wherever you put it DQ, you had it last. Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End says you can’t do it and asks Movie Mom to tell him, but she, like us is only concerned with the safety of Jake and so doesn’t.
Emmy’s hunting through coats. Thought this was a library, not Marks and Sparks. She heads back to Jake who’s getting naked. Yes, this is the money shot boys and girls! Emmy spoils our fun by throwing a coat over him and clutching him to her bosom.
BACK OFF EMMY! I mean, I like you and everything but you’re going a bit too far. Jake is freaked out by Emmy’s behaviour but she cleverly disguises her horniness with medical mumbo-jumbo, saying his heart could stop if she doesn’t hug him. Yeah right sister, step away from my mister! Paradoxically, my heart would stop if I were to hug Jake. Wet Jake is even sexier than un-wet Jake – he gets all stuttery and needs help standing up ‘cos he’s all weak and feeble. He should almost drown in more films. Jake, I order you to remake Titanic, Jaws and Hard Rain. I’ll think of some more later. Emmy asks how he’s feeling. Jake grins and thinks it’s probably a good thing Little Jake is too cold to function or Emmy would know exactly how he’s feeling.
Emmy is pretending she’s a 19th century Russian gypsy by wearing lots of clothes at once. Unlike this one.
She’s found a radio (Emmy, not Kirsten Dunst- she needs to find some trousers) which SOH immediately confiscates to see if he can contact his HAM radio buddies. Just found out thanks to subtitles that Homeless Man’s dog is called Buddha. Takes all sorts I suppose. There’s a grinding metal noise and when people go to investigate they see a big ass tanker floating down the street. Isn’t that a sign of the apocalypse along with film projects combining Lindsay Lohan and McFly?
DQ has gone up in the world as he’s now explaining the current disaster to the Prez himself. The Prez looks as if he doesn’t understand the term ‘ice age’ or 'disaster'. DQ suggests a mass migration to Mexico. Yay! Tequilas all round - Prez is buying. DQ’s boss gives Vice Prez a talking-to for not listening when it could have made a difference. DQ draws a line across the map, presumably to show Prez which is North and which is South. DQ says we have to abandon the North – fine by me, I live in the South – as they will freeze a la helicopter pilot if they go out. DQ leaves meeting to go and rescue Jake. Well, you gotta get your priorities right - rest of the world or Jake - it's an easy choice.
Vice Prez is still bitching, saying DQ only ‘thinks’ the climate is changing. Hello? Have you not been watching this movie? Luckily, everyone else sticks up for DQ. DQ’s boss gives him a second talking-to for not listening before. Vice Prez bitches about DQ being safe in Washington, apart from all the street crime of course. DQ’s boss informs him that DQ’s son – Jake – is in Manhattan. Holy shit! Prez, summon the army, navy, air force and get Jake outta there! He’s so cold…Everyone is suitably stunned by Jake’s position of mortal peril and the Prez decides to follow DQ’s plan. As soon as he’s looked up ‘evacuate’ in the dictionary. And Mexico on a map.
In Scotland the snow is coming down and Bilbo’s generator is almost out of fuel. Sexy suggests running it on booze but Bilbo tells him not to be so stupid and gets out some glasses. So instead of staying alive a bit longer, they’re gonna get shit-faced and celebrate the end of the world. That's almost as good a plan as rescuing Jake. Almost. Stupid comes up trumps again by using his last breath to toast Man United. Tit. Sexy is grieving for his lost time with his son when the generator dies. I begin grieving for my lost time with Sexy.
In New York where the Super-Nerds ponder their fate, the rain has turned to snow and ice. SOH is fiddling with the radio and refuses help, arguing that he is in every nerd club going, except the stamp collecting club because there’s only one member in that club – my Dad. He gets them sent by Royal Mail and won’t let us look at them. Jake smiles at SOH’s nerdiness, forgetting for a minute that he is friends with this loser.
Outside, Homeless Man is trying to get his dog to do his business. Why go outside, it’s the end of the world, he may as well shit in the geography section of the New York Public Library. Homeless Man sees people walking through the snow and comes to spread the joy. A guy who looks like a school crossing patrol man takes charge and asks who has a signal on their phone. Someone says she got through to her cousin in Memphis an hour ago and they’re being evacuated. And you decided to sit on this important info for an hour? Crossing Guard decides they need to go too. Jake says to his small band of Super-Nerds that they should stay put. Emmy gives him a kick up the ass and he tells School Crossing they’re making a mistake. School Crossing tells him not to be a pussy - School Crossing Patrolmen see carnage everyday. And Jake’s not a pussy. Jake does the always amusing talk too loud and informs everyone they’re going to die. There’s a quick question and answer session where people are informed about DQ’s position as a government climatologist and that they should stay inside. School Crossing says there’s no food – eat the dog – and ignoring Jake, sends everyone outside to their deaths. Jake does his best arguing with everyone a la Tom Cruise in
A Few Good Men and then resorts to rather embarrassing begging but to no avail. All that remain now are the ever faithful Super-Nerds, Homeless Man plus Buddha, the librarians who would never abandon their posts, the French, and Cell-Phone girl who called her cousin. Jake watches the others go and his little heart breaks.
At Movie Mom’s hospital, they’re busy evacuating. Movie Mom and DQ are confessing their love for each other before he sets off for New York. She says to tell Jake she loves him. Me too! Me too! While musing, Movie Mom is told they can’t contact bald Peter’s parents. Oh dear. Like the little guy wasn’t getting shat on from above enough already.
Back in his fetching yellow snowsuit, DQ is preparing for the trip when old Guy Who Croaks Before The End shows up, tells him he’s been watching his back for years and says he’s coming too. DQ says “All these years, I thought I was watching your back.”. Please insert own joke, maybe involving broken backs and mountains, here. New Guy also decides he’s coming, making some unfunny joke about navigating. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until some old guy croaks before the end. Pretty Asian Lady is sensible and stays put. New Guy sticks his head out the window as they pull off to look longingly at her. Pretty Asian Lady shudders. I can’t tell if it’s the cold, or the constant efforts by New Guy to kindle romance.
Mexico has closed the borders but that won’t stop them immigrants and they cross the Rio Grande, which doesn’t look so grande, to have Tequila and get their pictures taken with painted horses.
The Super-Nerds are holding up in the one public library with a fireplace.
Jake looks impressed, grabs some books and flings them in. The librarian is suitably shocked by this behaviour but Jake asks her what she thought they were going to burn? How about the librarian, her acting’s pretty wooden. Ba-boom-boom, chush. The librarians spaz out but Jake shuts them up with a well-placed “You wanna freeze to death?”. Some people go off to get more books. Jake asks where the cafeteria is. See, he is Brad Pitt from Ocean’s 11! The librarian says they only have vending machines. She says vending machines like they are the work of the devil.
Oooh, Jake’s gone all teenage vigilante as he bashes a vending machine with a fire extinguisher. My heart rate rises a little. I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for criminals – that bald guy in Prison Break, the one who likes Hank Williams in The Shawshank Redemption, those ENRON guys. They empty the goodies into Emmy’s 19th century shawl. Yay! Crisps, sweets, coke. One word – SLEEPOVER! Emmy can do Jake’s hair and Ugly and SOH can swap girly stories about first kisses. Homeless Man suggests they try the bin for food. Such typical homeless man behaviour. No-one volunteers. Meanwhile, Male Librarian, Cell-Phone Girl and SOH are gathering books. Librarian says you can’t burn Friedrich Nietzsche. Ohmigod, you totally can. That man took away a year of my life at A-Level. SOH cheerfully announces he’s burning the tax law section. A red light goes on at the IRS office.
..............................
Aaah, we meet again, Seagull of Malevolence. I could assume that this is an act of revenge designed to make me glowing nuclear green with envy...but no, I'm not that self involved. I realise the world doesn't revolve around me. It obviously revolves around Jake Gyllenhaal. I can see this is merely a case of BLATANT STALKING.
"Hey, Big Tony, Big Tony. Don't worry about it. I got the new kid, Swedish G on the case. Yeah, I can assure you we won't be seeing our good friend Jerry Four Fingers again. Nah, we did up him real good. 'Course we used bricks. We ain't rookies, Big T, this is a high quality operation we got goin' here. Yeah, yeah, I like this Swedish G, he's a lil' wet behind the ears but he's, whadda ya say? Inconscipuous. Yeah, the Hudson, the Hudson, we're on it. Sleepin' with the fishes. Forget abart it!"
Yep, that just broke my heart into a thousand little pieces.
I apologise to everyone but my brain is literally a sieve. 
Fabrique Belgique! That's your actual French. Seems The Sex is not the only member of the Gyllenhaal Assoc. looking fine, dandy and tantastic. I was going through these pictures of Maggie leaving the David Letterman show and thinking, 'Oh, she is the prettiest thing EVER!' but once again, got distracted. And with Pops looking dapper too, when will these Gyllenhaal men stop their assault on our senses?!!
...what the hell is the inclination of that shop? What've they got in there - belts, bags, furniture, jugs, Stephen Gyllenhaal at a very reasonable price. It's like that shop on the outskirts of Aberystwyth where they sold doormats with Labradors on and tea with scones. Anneka knows what I'm saying...
See? Now I'll be able to know what he's thinking when I see any of these 5 tongues and/or 1 lower lip bite! Isn't Jake just going to love me?! I am sooooo girlfriend material! ;)
Right, fuck it. If we can be with him, lets just BE him. You asked for it Gyllenhaal - we're cloning you, one piece of lycra at a time!
SECRETARY star MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL is refusing to marry fiance PETER SARSGAARD before the birth of their baby, because she wants to wait and do it properly. Although her parents were married when her mother was six months pregnant, Gyllenhaal isn't in any hurry to rush down the aisle. The 28-year-old says, "We don't want to just go to City Hall. "I've had many different incarnations of my fantasy wedding dress. I want the fairy tale!"
You may or may not have noticed that I have copy and pasted her next to Ellen Pompeo (right). They are similar, no? Trust me, it's going somewhere. Jake likes some Pomp, no? So ...yeah?
For a bigger version where facial expressions can be clearly seen click HERE.
I know we have a lot of projects going on right now (Bingo, BabyName Sweepstakes, Boo T-Shirt) but what's one more into the mix? (you'll realise this is a great pun in a second)
Right, that's it. You're being scratched off the Bingo and shall never be spoken of again. How dare you block half naked Gyllenhaal. Do you know how long it's been for us, Mercedes Benz?
When I first saw the picture I naturally thought, "Awwwww, Jake with a baby! Ah, that's exactly what he'll look like when he cradles our children, only hopefully without the spider face, mad hair, football manager sheepskin coat circa 1974 and bonnet".
"When it came time to design the poster for the film, (co-president of Focus Features and frequent Lee collaborator James) Schamus didn’t research posters of famous Westerns for ideas. He looked at the posters of the 50 most romantic movies ever made. 'If you look at our poster,' he says, 'you can see traces of our inspiration, 'Titanic'.'" 
Aaaaah, what do we have here? Lady, I can imagine how this went down:
So the T-Shirt ball is a rollin' and I'm very thankful to everyone who has ordered so far - we're up to 10 so only 15 more orders to go. I'm not panicking in the slightest. But do you remember how we promised Pops one? Well, what the hell should we get him and in what colour/size? Baby Doll?
Awwwww, man!
