Now prophecygirl and I are going to spend days, maybe weeks, possibly even 2 hours 25 minutes catergorising ALL the Jake Secrets and then they will live happily ever after under 'Projects'. 'Cos it was one hell of a project. If you still want to send in secrets then please do!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Now prophecygirl and I are going to spend days, maybe weeks, possibly even 2 hours 25 minutes catergorising ALL the Jake Secrets and then they will live happily ever after under 'Projects'. 'Cos it was one hell of a project. If you still want to send in secrets then please do!
I can accept that this is in no way a retaliation to that time you flew into the back of my head on Aberdovey beach. Remember that? I am also going to make no connection between this and that time you sent one of your blackbird minions into my bedroom to scare the living fuck out of me which resulted in a trip to the A&E.
Nah. I'm cool. Just know that I hate you Seagull of Malevolence and I will seek my vengeance. Especially after this stunt.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
From IHJ Media: Truth About Charlie Premiere (16/10/2002)
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Top 3 Entertainment Sites
*Jake Gyllenhaal Watch, well somebody has to keep a damn eye on him.... Our favorite actor has a very funny 'stalker' in England.
*I don't like you in that way, good name, very funny site where no star is spared.
*Lainey's Entertainment Update: Lainey often knows about celeb break-ups and buns in the oven days before other blogs.
I think you'll notice that JW is at the top of the list so ergo, we are the most entertaining.
My thanks to Ellen for the intial spottage and lisa for the scan!
Read on, good people, read on...
The news tells us that Mexico is letting people in again as the Prez has forgiven their debt. Jesus, hold a grudge much? There we go Bob Geldof, that’s how you do it – just wait for the end of the world. Back with Movie Mom it turns out bald Pete has no ambulance to take him to Mexico. Why they didn’t let him have the ambulance of some coma patient I have no idea. Apparently Pete can’t travel in anything but an ambulance. If the bus is good enough for me, it’s good enough for you Petey boy. They’ve left a message at the ambulance station but we shouldn’t hold out much hope. Movie Mom selflessly decides to remain – we never expected that – and in the midst of all this, Pete just wants to be read a story. “Once Upon A Time, there was this bald kid who kept a lady away from her hot son Jake. So she beat him to a bloody pulp and took off into the snow. The End.”
At the library, everyone’s now grabbing books. In a corner, Emmy gasps at the pain from her taxi injury but says it’s nowt to Cell-Phone Girl. Upstairs, the books are a-burning like it’s a Fahrenheit 451 up in there.. SOH has been messing with his radio again and gives Jake a look that reads bad news. Shit, is Boo all right? What about the socks? The storm is over the whole northern hemisphere and it looks like DQ’s going to have problems getting to New York, especially now the trains are down. Despite looking unsure - after all Dad has let him down many times before – Jake says “Nah, he’ll be here. And he’ll lead us to safety past the icing sugar version of the Statue of Liberty.” Jake gazes off into the distance like the true MTV Popcorn award winner that he is.
Speaking of DQ, isn’t that him hurtling through the snow towards the New York library? Over the radio, the news tells us the storm is deadly. Shit, only one hour and fifteen minutes into a movie about deadly storms and only now they’re telling us! Does Cell-Phone Girl work for you guys? It also informs us that New York is impassable. Well we’ll just see about…okay, the car hit a wall of snow. Guess it is impassable, let’s go home. But no, DQ orders Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End But Is Still Alive At The Moment to unpack the snowshoes. Do it your damn self DQ! It’s your fault we’re not all in Mexico trying on sombreros.
Back in New York, School Crossing and the others who didn’t listen to Jake are sheltering under a bridge with an oil drum fire. Oh the irony. The wealthy hang out under bridges while Homeless Man and Buddha the Dog live it up in the library. The hobos are moaning that they should have listened to Jake and stayed put. School Crossing gets people moving. Well, those people that aren’t dead in the snow. He looks sad, like perhaps it’s his fault these people are dead. Well he should do, it is.
In the nice, warm library where everyone is alive, Homeless Man is tearing up a copy of The Da Vinci Code to line his coat. Instead of asking Ugly if they can snuggle together for warmth, he throws him the last Middlemarch but unfortunately hits him on the head and kills him. Or was that a dream I had… Before the fire, Jake and Emmy are all cuddled up on a sofa, talking about Jake’s favourite vacation. Jake delivers perhaps the only actually funny line that is supposed to be funny in the entire movie – “Besides this one?” Well I thought it was funny. Emmy doesn’t laugh. Perhaps she’s too nervous at the thought of technically being in bed with Jake. Jake spins some story about how he got stuck on a boat with his Dad on one of DQ’s work trips. Emmy, like the rest of us, tells him that’s boring and is on the verge of telling him what happened to her in Florida last Spring Break - “Spring Break! Whooooo!” – when he continues that hanging out with DQ for ten days was great. Jake, I been hanging out with DQ for one hour and seventeen minutes and I want to go and watch paint dry. How many games of Go Fish did you have to play to make those ten days just fly by? Emmy looks sad. Maybe she’s thinking how Jake won’t see DQ again. Maybe she’s thinking how she won’t see Kurt Russell again. Jake makes that horsey sound that cool macho guys make when they’re trying not to cry at the thought of never seeing their Daddy again.
In the blizzard around Philly, three figures emerge from the swirling snow. No, not Huey, Dewey and Louie. It’s our favourite scientists, who, on their way to visit Jake have decided to drop in to a mall and do a spot of shopping. Literally, their sled breaks through a mall roof, dragging along Old Guy Who’ll Be Gone In A Minute until DQ gets his ice pick out and all of a sudden we’re back at the beginning of Vertical Limit.
Old Guy Who Isn’t Long For This World uses my joke about dropping in to do some shopping. PLAGERISM! Old Guy With The Breath Of Death On His Neck cuts the sled loose and it crashes onto an escalator, showing us just how fatal it would be for say, an old guy, to drop onto it. Old Guy gives an “oh shit” look. Yeah, with a name like Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End, you should totally be worried. New Guy is told to support Old Guy’s weight. Man, do you not remember New Guy’s fuck-up at the beginning when a shelf collapsed? True to form, the glass under New Guy starts to break. New Guy’s hands are bleeding as he claws onto metal and he’s either a big boy or a bad actor as he doesn’t seem to be in any pain. DQ and New Guy watch as Old Guy starts to cut himself free. They both say “No!” but you know they’re both thinking “Go on, do it, it’ll make great TV.” They totally could have used the footage from Vertical Limit here, saved themselves two days of filming. So Old Guy Who Is No More cuts himself loose and crashes a la sled to the escalator below. DQ is sad, wishing New Guy had gone instead. I feel ya, DQ.
Later that night in their peculiarly cosy-looking arctic tent, New Guy (Killer of Old Guy) is unpacking his bag and three cups fall out. But only two men remain – the Dead don’t drink cocoa. New Guy packs it away again and changes the subject from his most recent fuck-up – “Hey, remember when you let me use the drill in Antarctica? Good times.” DQ smiles politely.
In New York, geeky Male Librarian is reading a big ole book. He tells Cell-Phone Girl it’s a rare bible. Think since the city’s been destroyed and you’re burning books, God’s given up and gone on a tea break. Luckily, Librarian doesn’t believe in the Almighty but is merely protecting the bible. Shot of Ugly merrily throwing Danielle Steel ‘novels’ on the fire. Librarian wants to save a piece of Western civilisation, represented by the bible. Wouldn’t he be better off saving a Lord of the Rings DVD boxset?
At the hospital, Movie Mom is awakened by flashing lights. Shit, first killer weather, now the aliens are coming! Someone hide Jake before those monsters probe him! Turns out it’s not aliens but paramedics. Looks like Peter will live to fight another day after all.
At the library, Emmy is coughing which is Movie Speak for ‘About To Die’. Jake who has been sat up feeding War and Peace to the fire, comes over and asks if she’s all right, probably hoping she’ll say no and he’ll get the chance to practice his First Aid. Awww man, she’s saying she’s got a fever just so he can touch her face. That’s the oldest trick in the book! Emmy can’t sleep so Jake sits up with her. She’s thinking about the quiz, Jake’s thinking about jumping her bones. Now she’s going for the sympathy vote, moaning about how her life has been preparation for a future that doesn’t exist. Don’t fall for it Jake, she’s playing the lost, fragile victim, but underneath she’s really a black widow spider. She’s down on herself for taking the quiz so seriously (not that we’ve seen any character development to support this, Darwin). So to make her feel better, Jake spills. Not like that, all bodily fluids remain intact. He says he avoided telling her the truth about why he joined the team. At the end of that sentence, he raises his eyebrows and in the firelight, he looks a little evil…Emmy puts on an innocent ‘Watcha talking about?’ face and Jake says he joined ‘cos of Emmy. So it’s all your fault Jake’s stuck in a frigging library when he could be partying in Mexico, with or without underage boys but definitely with Tequila. It’s also her fault Old Guy Who Is No Longer With Us is dead. Bitch. Jake gives a sweet ‘Well now it’s out there’ smile. Emmy smiles back. She sits up from her death-bed, well, sofa, says “Hey” and OH MY GOD THEY’RE KISSING! NO! MAKE IT STOP! GOUGE OUT MY EYES! It’s actually quite sweet and with the fire behind them and the snow falling, they could almost be on a ski trip. If it wasn’t for Homeless Man and the librarians. And the end of the world.
Cut to White House covered in snow (like a polar bear in a snow storm). Someone’s ordering the Prez to leave. That’s how we get Bush out of office: just tell him to leave. Prez agrees half-heartedly. Perhaps he was hoping to sneak around while everyone else was gone and find the Roswell aliens in the basement.
A helicopter flies over a snowy city that we are reliably informed is the Mexican refugee camp. People are being given soup. Tequila soup. Helicopter brings unfortunate news that Prez didn’t make it, perhaps because he took a motorcade instead of a helicopter. Tit. Vice Prez looks like he now has the fate of a nation on his shoulders and promptly shits himself.
Back to our favourite library. Emmy is now feverish on her death-sofa as Jake strokes her brow. Homeless Man blames it on the food – like too many sweets ever caused a problem – while Male Librarian goes straight for hypothermia. SOH guesses flu. Twit, thought you wore glasses! I guess Jake-fever. Female Librarian makes a snotty comment about books being good for something other than burning. Yeah, propping up broken legs on coffee tables. She looks up symptoms – fever, cold sweat and fast pulse. Ooooh, it’s like ER: The Home Game. I wanna do Ray Barnett! I mean be Ray Barnett.. Cell-Phone Girl discloses leg-injury – again sitting on valuable information. Bet she knows who shot JFK too! Femme Librarian goes in for a look and Jake stands up, knowing this is going to be important – the first time he sees Emmy’s leg.
It’s gross but because it’s a 12 certificate, the worst anyone can come up with is “Gosh”. As Femme Librarian announces Emmy has blood poisoning, Jake gets all upset and turns to the window in despair. Can no-one save his true love of the last hour and twenty-seven minutes? “She needs penicillin or…” The cold is obviously messing with Jake’s genius ’cos he says “Or what?”. Femme Librarian just gives him a look that says “Will you sing at her funeral? She always liked the Dixie Chicks.”
From space, astronauts view storms and wish they were in Armageddon so they’d have more lines. They send data to Pretty Asian Lady who calculates there’ll soon be a super-cold hurricane over New York. But that’s where Jake is!!! Unless they mean Buffalo, New York. Which is fine ‘cos he’s not there.
DQ and surviving sidekick struggle through snow, at least until sidekick keels over.
Jake continues his vigilantism by breaking some chairs to make snow-shoes. He’s off to find Emmy-saving drugs on the convienent army tanker parked outside the window. Male Librarian says “But you said it was too dangerous to go outside”. Jake replies “I know. But I must save my adorable Russian gypsy so we can get married in Vegas and make woo-hoo in the heart-shaped Jacuzzi.” Then again, maybe he just says “I know”. He also pulls back the hood on his duffle coat so he must mean business. Everyone looks nervous at the thought of losing Jake. SOH asks him where he got the chairs. Jake asks why. “Cos I wanna sit down. Dumbass, I’m coming with you.” Ugly, always after a chance to be with SOH says he’s coming too. Jake gives a weird little smile. If you have the film available, you should totally check it out. I can’t tell if he’s supposed to be all choked up ’cos he’s got such good friends, is smirking at the cheesiness of it all or smiling secretly at the fact that he knows Ugly is gonna get mauled by a CGI wolf in a minute.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Yeah, anyway, can you guess what this quote directly from Jake's mouth is all about:
"That's awesome! Shameless promotion!"
The winner wins my potato gnocchi which I will send to them in an envelope. A soggy envelope.
Benvenuto ai miei cari amici della cucina humble...okay, I'll stop with this now. While Jake continues to dodge charity events and appearences on Jon Stewart (don't freak too much, PG), he leaves us once again in this limbo, this purgatory between pap photos and sports award shows. Aah, what to do? What to do? WANNA COOK?
We all know Jake likes a good rumble in the kitchen but this post is a little more than some lame and vain attempt to reconnect with The Sex. This post is for prophecygirl because apparently she can't cook and guess what, neither can I. Well, I can make a mean bacon, brie and cranberry butty but that's the extent of it.
So, grab your pinnies and rolling pins and lets get busy. The first recipe I have chosen for us all to try to Potato Gnocchi, mainly because I had it on holiday and I would kill my granny to taste such lightness again.
You'll be needing:
750g/1lb10oz bintje potatoes, you can also use Yukon Gold or Yellow Finn potatoes
2 egg yolks
½ cup plain flour (plus extra if needed)
Sea salt, to season
Freshly grated parmesan cheese
For the tomato sauce:
1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
2 cloves of garlic, sliced thinly
4 ripe tomatoes, chopped
2 tbsp basil, sliced thinly
Instructions - it's way complicated!
Okay, I have no idea what those potatoes are all about - I think I'll be using the best value spuds the supermarket has to offer. As for the sea salt, I guess those of you who don't live by the sea can just use normal from-under-the-earth salt. Don't worry about that tomato sauce either cos that shit comes in tins, baby! And also remember that basil is pronounced bas-ill not bay-sill. Those are the rules in britpopbaby's kitchen so deal. You can buy ready grated parmesan, right?
Sunday, August 27, 2006
After the furor, paranoia, unfounded accusations and general hysteria that the word 'Ugly Git' managed to cause last time I was going to trawl through all 18 pages of the review and change the offending appellation to 'Austy-poo' but then I thought no, why the fuck should I, plus I really couldn't be arsed. Plus the name 'Austy-poo' makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Plus I have better things to do with my time like repeatedly bang my head against the cell wall.
If you need me I'll be out the back making lobster thermidor. Please address all official complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Jake and Co. are at the Natural History Museum where Ugly is obviously hoping to woo Emmy and do it behind a stuffed bison. Jake puts him in his place with a line about it being the world’s finest collection of stuffed animals. See it while you can boys, the world’s ending the day after tomorrow. Hey, that sounds like a good title for a film! SOH spots a mammoth that froze solid mid-chew. How interesting. Where’s the gift shop?
Back in snowy Scotland, Bilbo, Sexy and Stupid are snowed in. And yet their TV reception is crystal clear. Bilbo is remaining chipper, informing his colleagues that they have enough tea and biscuits to sink a ship. Man, if I wasn’t waiting for Jake, I’d give you my heart Tea and Biscuits. Bilbo also makes a joke about the loo backing up which they find very amusing. Call me weird but I imagine if I was up to my ankles in sewage, the last thing I’d be doing is laughing. Or maybe dancing is that last thing I’d be doing. Despite the joke, they all look a bit worried. They should be.
Some helicopters have been sent to pick up the Royal family. However, their fuel lines freeze (the helicopters, not the Royal family) and one by one, they drop out of the sky, pilots yelling very Britishly at the “golly-gosh bastard engines”. One pilot opens the door after crashing, and like the mammoth before him freezes solid before he has time to say “By Jove”. Royal family are therefore doomed. Oo, like Louis XVI in 18th Century France. Long live parliamentary democracy! "Liberté, egalité, fraternité, ou la mort!"
Bilbo is on the phone to DQ telling him the confidential news about the helicopters. If it’s confidential, who decided Bilbo needed to know? “Yes, tell the immediate family, the Prime Minister and the guy who monitors buoys up in Scotland.” The helicopters crashed because the temperature dropped to minus 150°F, they had to look it up. Should have asked Jake – he’s on the school quiz team. Bilbo doesn’t have enough RAM (oo, missus!) to run his data so he sends it to DQ, the son he never had. And didn’t want.
Back in New York, it’s still pissing down. The doorman at Ugly’s apartment says “Terrible weather”. What an informed doorman he is. Ugly’s apartment is okay, if you like that Upper East Side millionaire look. Emmy’s nosing at a photo of Ugly’s brother. Christ, she moves fast. SOH says it’s been raining for three days. Ever been to Britain, mate? That’s summer.
Jake is watching the news and sees that all the muggle platforms are flooded. No word on 9 and three quarters. Looks like the train is a no-go. Smiling smugly, told him so. As the news is predicating the end of the world, Ugly decides he better go and pick up his brother in Philly and invites the Super-Nerds along. Yay! ROAD TRIP! SOH is disturbed about walking to the car. What, do nerds melt in the rain? Lights flicker. Jake says they should take the stairs. As they start to complain, the electric goes off. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times people: listen to Jake! He’s really on a mission as he heads outside to find the street flooded. Emmy suggests staying inside. Ooooh, Jake, you could snuggle up on the rug before the fire and make the beast with two backs. But no, he wants to go home.
Shit! The CGI wolves have escaped from the zoo! I’m sure that won’t come back to bite someone in the ass. Or the leg. At work, Movie Mom sees the news about where her little bitty boy is staying and starts to panic. In New York, a homeless man steals some hot dogs. Man, that city is going downhill fast. Homeless man goes into the library but is immediately thrown out because of his dog. That’s a bit more like it, let’s have some order here. Three stroppy businessmen commandeer a bus, one of whom offers the 2nd best line of the film next to “We’ve hit a critical desalinisation point” – “Oh God I love buses. This is just so much fun. This is gonna be the bomb.”
Emmy, SOH and Ugly want to go back to the apartment but Jake wants to get higher. Not a time for mind-altering substances, you need to be alert. He suggests the library. Ahhh, yes. The place where the nerd feels most at home. Except a comic book convention. A picture of which I just happen to have here.
Luckily my face is blurry and shouldn’t permit autograph hunters to affect my everyday life. A woman and daughter speaking French are trapped in a taxi as the Super-Nerds head for the library. Emmy manages to cut her leg on a bit of taxi but upon hearing someone French in peril, she flies to the rescue. Avoiding the most fundamental rule a child can learn next to don’t eat things off the floor – always tell someone where you’re going!
Out at sea, a tidal wave washes over Lady Liberty towards the city. People are clambering to get in the library. Bet the librarians are wetting their knickers at the sight of so many users. And Jake, just a thought, but there are quite a few taller buildings than the library in New York. Jake suddenly realises there is no Emmy. And definitely no Oscar.
The wave comes inland. For the love of Billy Baldwin, do something Jake! French people have been rescued but have left their bag in the cab. Always check a cab before you get out people! Emmy trips back to get it, unaware of the wall of water right in front of her.
For a Super-Nerd, she really has no spacial awareness. Jake looks on, obviously distraught at the peril of the French bag. Emmy takes her time bag-hunting so Jake has to come to the rescue, hurtling down the steps, into the water, over a taxi. SOH tries to go after him but Ugly pulls him back. Didn’t know you cared Ugly. Perhaps while Emmy and Jake are bunking up, SOH will let you try on his glasses.
Jake points out massive wave and true to disaster movie form, Emmy gapes. Homeless man runs inside the library, carrying dog. Why do dogs always survive disaster movies? Remember that golden retriever in Independence Day? Ugly drags SOH indoors as the wave comes ever closer. Jake legs it up the stairs and he and Emmy are the last ones through the revolving doors. Everyone else, glug, glug, glug I’m afraid. By some miracle, Jake and Emmy are up another flight of stairs before Jake looks back to see water breaking the windows. Clean-up crew to foyer. Bring scuba equipment and a mop.
After all that excitement, it’s back to Scotland. DQ calls to explain that super-cold hurricanes froze the helicopters. Also that this storm will cover the globe, marking the beginning of a new ice age. Couldn’t you have just called to say “I love you” DQ? Everyone looks suitably gutted, except Stupid who just looks confused. DQ feels the need to speak privately to Bilbo, telling him it’s time to go. Bilbo explains the last bus has gone but unselfishly has time to say “Save as many as you can” before the phone cuts out. That’s a good bit. We’ll use that in the trailer. While DQ is looking pensive, Old Guy tells him something’s happened in New York. Bit of an understatement as we cut to New York being mostly underwater.
In the library, Emmy thanks Jake for his rescue efforts. Jake goes all awww shucks, probably thinking that now they can shack up. There’s some awkward silence then Emmy goes to return the bag that caused all this mess in the first place. I hope she took some money from their wallets as a reward. Ugly tells Jake to tell Emmy how he feels. Then Ugly tells Jake how he feels…oh wait, wrong film…oh wait, that’s not even a film. Ugly can’t get through to his brother ’cos there’s no service. By the way, this is the last we hear about Ugly’s brother so goodness knows what happens to him. Jake has an idea and hotfoots it to an information desk where the librarian has not abandoned her post even in this time of crisis. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a librarian after all. Jake’s after a payphone. They’re underwater but that won’t stop our Jake. He explains to Emmy that old payphones draw their power from underground lines. See, this is why he’s on the quiz team, ’cos he knows shit like that.
DQ meets Movie Mom who’s been crying about the watery fate of Jake. Davy Jones’s Locker? Don’t worry love, I have a feeling you’re about to get a phone-call from your deliciously handsome son. Jake and Emmy reach the payphones which look like they're installed in Hugh Hefner's grotto except minus bunnies. Jake throws himself in and makes cold noises.
DQ and Movie Mom are drinking coffee and discussing why DQ is a bad father – he’s always at work when Jake has his picture taken. Yeah, but his job’s going to end up saving the world so it’ll have been worth it. DQ utters my next favourite line of the movie: “One more Daddy”, his voice breaking slightly at the thought of a baby Jake having a piggy-back ride. I laugh heartily. Old Guy Who Croaks before The End rushes in to tell them Jake’s on the phone. Told ya. Movie Mom utters another great line – “It’s Mom. I’m so happy you’re okay.” Jake judiciously ignores this stupidity and sensibly asks them to call Emmy and SOH’s parents. Not that they have the same parents…you get the idea. Jake hilariously loses his footing and falls into the icy water. Everyone starts panicking but he’s an excellent swimmer and pops right back up like a lilo. DQ explains about the super cold hurricanes, tells him to stay indoors and start fires. Parent of the Year Award goes to…DQ also says he’ll come for Jake, as anyone in their right or even wrong mind would.
Meanwhile the water has been rising and Jake’s properly underwater. Emmy’s wetting herself as she loses sight of him then wets herself again when he pops back up. Well, at least one of them’s warm. She pulls him out and gives his shivering body a hug, thinking now we get to play Doctors and Nurses. Despite being near hypothermia, Jake smiles. It’s really cute.
Hugging Movie Mom, DQ asks where the artic gear is. Wherever you put it DQ, you had it last. Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End says you can’t do it and asks Movie Mom to tell him, but she, like us is only concerned with the safety of Jake and so doesn’t.
Emmy’s hunting through coats. Thought this was a library, not Marks and Sparks. She heads back to Jake who’s getting naked. Yes, this is the money shot boys and girls! Emmy spoils our fun by throwing a coat over him and clutching him to her bosom.
BACK OFF EMMY! I mean, I like you and everything but you’re going a bit too far. Jake is freaked out by Emmy’s behaviour but she cleverly disguises her horniness with medical mumbo-jumbo, saying his heart could stop if she doesn’t hug him. Yeah right sister, step away from my mister! Paradoxically, my heart would stop if I were to hug Jake. Wet Jake is even sexier than un-wet Jake – he gets all stuttery and needs help standing up ‘cos he’s all weak and feeble. He should almost drown in more films. Jake, I order you to remake Titanic, Jaws and Hard Rain. I’ll think of some more later. Emmy asks how he’s feeling. Jake grins and thinks it’s probably a good thing Little Jake is too cold to function or Emmy would know exactly how he’s feeling.
Emmy is pretending she’s a 19th century Russian gypsy by wearing lots of clothes at once. Unlike this one.
DQ has gone up in the world as he’s now explaining the current disaster to the Prez himself. The Prez looks as if he doesn’t understand the term ‘ice age’ or 'disaster'. DQ suggests a mass migration to Mexico. Yay! Tequilas all round - Prez is buying. DQ’s boss gives Vice Prez a talking-to for not listening when it could have made a difference. DQ draws a line across the map, presumably to show Prez which is North and which is South. DQ says we have to abandon the North – fine by me, I live in the South – as they will freeze a la helicopter pilot if they go out. DQ leaves meeting to go and rescue Jake. Well, you gotta get your priorities right - rest of the world or Jake - it's an easy choice.
Vice Prez is still bitching, saying DQ only ‘thinks’ the climate is changing. Hello? Have you not been watching this movie? Luckily, everyone else sticks up for DQ. DQ’s boss gives him a second talking-to for not listening before. Vice Prez bitches about DQ being safe in Washington, apart from all the street crime of course. DQ’s boss informs him that DQ’s son – Jake – is in Manhattan. Holy shit! Prez, summon the army, navy, air force and get Jake outta there! He’s so cold…Everyone is suitably stunned by Jake’s position of mortal peril and the Prez decides to follow DQ’s plan. As soon as he’s looked up ‘evacuate’ in the dictionary. And Mexico on a map.
In Scotland the snow is coming down and Bilbo’s generator is almost out of fuel. Sexy suggests running it on booze but Bilbo tells him not to be so stupid and gets out some glasses. So instead of staying alive a bit longer, they’re gonna get shit-faced and celebrate the end of the world. That's almost as good a plan as rescuing Jake. Almost. Stupid comes up trumps again by using his last breath to toast Man United. Tit. Sexy is grieving for his lost time with his son when the generator dies. I begin grieving for my lost time with Sexy.
In New York where the Super-Nerds ponder their fate, the rain has turned to snow and ice. SOH is fiddling with the radio and refuses help, arguing that he is in every nerd club going, except the stamp collecting club because there’s only one member in that club – my Dad. He gets them sent by Royal Mail and won’t let us look at them. Jake smiles at SOH’s nerdiness, forgetting for a minute that he is friends with this loser.
Outside, Homeless Man is trying to get his dog to do his business. Why go outside, it’s the end of the world, he may as well shit in the geography section of the New York Public Library. Homeless Man sees people walking through the snow and comes to spread the joy. A guy who looks like a school crossing patrol man takes charge and asks who has a signal on their phone. Someone says she got through to her cousin in Memphis an hour ago and they’re being evacuated. And you decided to sit on this important info for an hour? Crossing Guard decides they need to go too. Jake says to his small band of Super-Nerds that they should stay put. Emmy gives him a kick up the ass and he tells School Crossing they’re making a mistake. School Crossing tells him not to be a pussy - School Crossing Patrolmen see carnage everyday. And Jake’s not a pussy. Jake does the always amusing talk too loud and informs everyone they’re going to die. There’s a quick question and answer session where people are informed about DQ’s position as a government climatologist and that they should stay inside. School Crossing says there’s no food – eat the dog – and ignoring Jake, sends everyone outside to their deaths. Jake does his best arguing with everyone a la Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men and then resorts to rather embarrassing begging but to no avail. All that remain now are the ever faithful Super-Nerds, Homeless Man plus Buddha, the librarians who would never abandon their posts, the French, and Cell-Phone girl who called her cousin. Jake watches the others go and his little heart breaks.
At Movie Mom’s hospital, they’re busy evacuating. Movie Mom and DQ are confessing their love for each other before he sets off for New York. She says to tell Jake she loves him. Me too! Me too! While musing, Movie Mom is told they can’t contact bald Peter’s parents. Oh dear. Like the little guy wasn’t getting shat on from above enough already.
Back in his fetching yellow snowsuit, DQ is preparing for the trip when old Guy Who Croaks Before The End shows up, tells him he’s been watching his back for years and says he’s coming too. DQ says “All these years, I thought I was watching your back.”. Please insert own joke, maybe involving broken backs and mountains, here. New Guy also decides he’s coming, making some unfunny joke about navigating. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until some old guy croaks before the end. Pretty Asian Lady is sensible and stays put. New Guy sticks his head out the window as they pull off to look longingly at her. Pretty Asian Lady shudders. I can’t tell if it’s the cold, or the constant efforts by New Guy to kindle romance.
Mexico has closed the borders but that won’t stop them immigrants and they cross the Rio Grande, which doesn’t look so grande, to have Tequila and get their pictures taken with painted horses.
The Super-Nerds are holding up in the one public library with a fireplace.
Jake looks impressed, grabs some books and flings them in. The librarian is suitably shocked by this behaviour but Jake asks her what she thought they were going to burn? How about the librarian, her acting’s pretty wooden. Ba-boom-boom, chush. The librarians spaz out but Jake shuts them up with a well-placed “You wanna freeze to death?”. Some people go off to get more books. Jake asks where the cafeteria is. See, he is Brad Pitt from Ocean’s 11! The librarian says they only have vending machines. She says vending machines like they are the work of the devil.
Oooh, Jake’s gone all teenage vigilante as he bashes a vending machine with a fire extinguisher. My heart rate rises a little. I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for criminals – that bald guy in Prison Break, the one who likes Hank Williams in The Shawshank Redemption, those ENRON guys. They empty the goodies into Emmy’s 19th century shawl. Yay! Crisps, sweets, coke. One word – SLEEPOVER! Emmy can do Jake’s hair and Ugly and SOH can swap girly stories about first kisses. Homeless Man suggests they try the bin for food. Such typical homeless man behaviour. No-one volunteers. Meanwhile, Male Librarian, Cell-Phone Girl and SOH are gathering books. Librarian says you can’t burn Friedrich Nietzsche. Ohmigod, you totally can. That man took away a year of my life at A-Level. SOH cheerfully announces he’s burning the tax law section. A red light goes on at the IRS office.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Now before you jump up and down shouting "who the shit is this?" - My name is Matt and I have successfully hijacked the jakewatch site - but only for a short while. I thought I'd write a post. "Hell if I'm gonna write one", I thought, then "I'm gonna write one about stuff I like".
So... the ladies. Let's see who is currently available for old jakey jake jake jake.
I decided to analyse the top ten women as voted for in this years FHM poll (US version)
In reverse order...
No.10: Teri 'why is she still successful' Hatcher - seriously now what do people see in this girl. Yeh, I'm all for the brunettes but eh? Marriage potential for Jake (MPJ) : 3
No.9: Carmen 'run carmen, run' Electra - a bit fickle maybe? I'm not so sure. One night stand yes indeedy but a life of commitment? MPJ: 4
No.8: Maria 'has she actually won anything?' Sharapova - Who'd want sloppy seconds from Enrique? Not me and probably not Jake. Another mystery to be so high up the chart. Unattractive, unfunny, pigfaced MPJ: 2
No.7: Jenny 'up for it' McCarthy - Not classy but v. funny. I like this girl. Whether I'd spend my life with her is a different matter. Jenny scores high for kicks and as a result would always offer promise for a more long term 'event' MPJ: 6
No.6: Halle 'Catwomen' Berry - Scares me with her hair in X-men. Would she offer a good marital home. I think she could - but is she a bit too dull for Jake or a perfect match? Not my choice but a solid MPJ of 6 offers some potential.
No.5: Keira 'thrice nightly' Knightley - very tight looking girl. English. Pretty and what's more she's dyslexic. A big candidate for me - but does Jake prefer the larger breast? MPJ: 7
No.4: Jessica 'is this chicken?' Simpson - yeh yeh, great body and all but seriously, tits and ass aside, what else is there? MPJ: 3
No.3: Jessica 'mmm' Alba - okay now we're talking. Stunning, natural and pretty darn funny. A high candidate in any one's book. MPJ: 8
No.2: Angelina 'what I would do' Jolie - drool drool drool. Is she for real? Can I touch her? An ideal candidate. Would score high in top trumps on all categories. Sex kicks would be immense but a long term relationship? Could you really tame her Jake? Last the course? I admit defeat. MPJ: 7
No.1: Scarlett 'who filled in this survey?' Johansson - another natural beauty. But ruins the whole image by doing a cosmetic commercial. Far more beautiful in a pair of slacks and t-shirts than when all dolled up. Would also score high. MPJ: 7.
So, then what have we learnt? Absolutely nothing. What the hell is Sienna and Natalie doing at 63 and 61???? Crazy. So Jessica it is then at a score of 8. I'm off to re-laminate my top ten list now so I hope I've not offended you all.
So who would Jake choose?
Take it easy.
Friday, August 25, 2006
While Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong have been making the Miami nightlife rounds, pal Jake Gyllenhaal has been partying in the Big Apple.
The actor recently hit New York City hot spot Butter, where he made his way to Jamie-Lynn Sigler's booth, and with a Corona beer in hand, he rocked out to Fergie's "London Bridge." Later, he started dancing with one of the Sopranos star's brunette friends. The two whispered and laughed with each other for the rest of the night and, at one point, she plopped herself on Gyllenhaal's lap. Before leaving with Sigler at around 3 a.m., the pal and Gyllenhaal whipped out their cell phones and started typing numbers. They also exchanged a long hug good-bye. That didn't end the fun for Gyllenhaal, who danced to Madonna's "Like a Prayer" (even doing a bit where he crossed himself) and did the limbo with a few women. So, how low can he go?
Oh, LOW, obviously!! I think I need a lie down before I tackle this although I will say I'd pay good money to see The Sex vogueing to Madonna and I knew that London Bridge song would come back to haunt me.
Yep, that just broke my heart into a thousand little pieces.
A video has been released from the MV reading thanks to Robin via Cantara - download it from here:
It's only a minute or so long but you get to hear a couple of lines of poetry. Cantara said that after I heard Stephen's midwestern twang I might not love him anymore - not possible unless he like, reversed over my dog or something. He sounds similar to Jake which makes sense I guess.
Always visit here: http://www.stephengyllenhaal.com/ for all the latest Poppa info.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Name: Nothing Really Matters (NRM)
Fave Jake Film: Donnie Darko
How long have you been a fan: 5 months
Stalking technique: Proactive
Can you six degree yourself to Jake: I have been in Christ Church College where Harry Potter was filmed, Harry Potter star sRobbie Coltrane who stared in Ocean’s Twelve with Brad Pitt who stared in Thelma & Louise with Susan Saranden who stared in Moonlight Mile with Jake.
If you were a kitchen appliance what would you be? Corkscrew
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
We’re at the school quiz. Jake proves he is the smartest one, despite Son of Howard wearing specs, as he answers some random question and looks suitably smug. Emmy is distracted from Jake’s cleverness by some much less attractive git across the room. Maybe she should borrow Son of Howard’s specs. Jake is terrified by ugly git scamming on his chick.
Quiz is over, now we’re getting down. Emmy brought a sexy dress, just in case Jake was distracted by all the other nerds in their school uniforms. Jake says she looks beautiful. And I agree. Man, if I wasn’t waiting for Jake, I’d give you my heart Emmy. However, she is not very impressed with Jake’s compliment as she decides to go off with Ugly Git who has the world’s ‘coolest’ name – JD – leaving Jake behind to pretend he’s a cup-holder. If you want my advice Jake, if she should get herself in some kind of predicament, say she’s helping some French people out of taxi while a giant wave is coming towards her, LEAVE HER BEHIND!!! Son of Howard says Jake seems to have competition in the form of Ugly Git. Maybe SOH needs to borrow SOH’s glasses. Wait…
At DQ’s place, it’s thundery and the phone is ringing. It’s Bilbo calling from Scotland. He explains about the cold buoys and DQ panics that a new ice age is coming within the next half an hour. Hope Jake remembered to take his skis. Hope that’s how you spell skis.
Two peeps in LA are getting it on instead of monitoring the weather. In a disaster movie about killer weather. If they die, Darwin wrote the script. The Non-weather-monitoring-guy leaves to answer the phone and talks to a man observing Tokyo-style falling ice on the beach. As we watch, a tornado forms over LA. Man, when it’s not tornados in that town its volcanoes.
Back in Washington, DQ, his boss, New Guy and a pretty Asian lady are talking about doing computer models on Bilbo’s buoys in order to do a forecast. All you need for that, guys is a green screen and a button to change the pictures.
LA, always a city for going over the top, now has about eight tornadoes, one of which takes out the Hollywood sign. Where are all the tourists going to have their picture taken now? Oh that’s right, at the fake Hollywood sign at Universal Pictures. Some dick on the news asks if anyone in the midst of these eight tornadoes is hurt. Where did you go to journalism school? Cars rain down on a news van, a guy in a Porsche is crushed by a bus. Do YOU think people got hurt?
Cut to Jake and the Super-Nerds watching Porsche-crushing on the news. Jake’s wearing a sexy grey t-shirt despite the disaster surrounding him. Gotta look good when they dig you out of that rubble. Back to tornado central where the room is a rocking, and not because the non-weather monitoring people have gone back to woohoo. Non-weather-monitoring-guy opens the blinds. Oh, now you wanna see what the weather is doing? There’s a crash and when the floor-buffer-er goes to see the fate of our canoodling couple, the entire room has been blown away. Darwin, please collect your Oscar™ for Best Screenplay.
Cut to Vice Prez filling in Real Prez. Note: not an innuendo, they are not having sex. Real Prez is obviously modelled after Real World Leaders as he immediately asks someone else what he should do.
Cut to Super-Nerds and Jake. SOH has been on the phone to his Mum, probably crying that the other nerds are picking on him. That’s what I used to do anyway. He changes the TV channel, much to everyone’s disappointment until they realise CSI is on. Just kidding, but is it me, or is it always on? It’s news about planes being grounded so they have to stay put. That’ll give Jake more time to do the deed with Emmy. Or SOH. No, we decided it was girls.
Back to DQ’s office where his boss says there’s lots of work to do. No shit Sherlock, half of LA just got hoovered up, along with your two best weather monitors there. All the clever weather peeps at DQ’s place are bitching about how the weird weather couldn’t possibly be connected. Man, I need to get me a job there – OF COURSE IT IS! Before I can get me an interview, DQ explains his theory about there being too much water in the sea. The rest of the movie documents how DQ got into rehab for glue-sniffing. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SENTENCE IS THAT!?! Hang on – “We’ve just hit a critical desalinisation point.” Holy shit! Isn’t that one of the signs of the apocalypse, along with the Ron from Harry Potter making films with the word ‘pants’ in the title?
DQ and the gang adopt Pretty Asian Lady to help make weather forecasts with help from Bilbo. New Guy Who Destroys Antarctic Shelves tries to chat up Pretty Asian Lady with a handshake. Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End smacks him upside the head. Man, if I weren’t waiting for Jake, and you weren’t going to die before the end, I’d give you my heart Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End.
Cut to Movie Mom who is predictably a doctor. She’s looking after a small bald child called Peter who cannot read. But he won’t be able to enjoy the Da Vinci Code! Not that many people did. (Note: I have recently been informed that Peter cannot read because he has a tumour on his brain. Whoops, my bad!)
Back to DQ and Friends who are fiddling with computers - www.jakewatch.com, ladies and gents. Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End tells us DQ is the only one who hasn’t taken a break. None of you lazy bastards should be taking a break. The world’s coming to an end, Jake’s in mortal peril and you lot are round the bloody water cooler chatting about Brangelina? DQ ignores my rant and goes for a nap. Don’t be surprised if you wake up under water then. Pretty Asian Lady asks if he’s always this obsessive. What, about napping? She asks how long the gang have been together and New Guy explains in a way that is supposed to be funny that he is New Guy and the Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End is the Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End. However, not funny.
A second later, though we’re meant to believe it’s hours later – secrets of the business people – they go down to wake up DQ. He is obviously upset by the results. Turns out he’s not Jake’s Dad. Oh sorry, wrong results. DQ says 6-8 months can’t be right. There is a flash of lightening as Pretty Asian Lady says “No Dumbass, that’s in weeks. Learn to read.”
It’s raining like crazy in New York. Jake’s on the phone to DQ telling him the school is full of sewage. There’s a pleasant image. Hands up who still would if Jake was covered in sewage? DQ asks Jake where he’s staying tonight. Little perspective DQ, world ending and all that jazz. Jake’s staying with the New York branch of the Super-Nerds. Oooh, they can stay up, discussing which Nobel Prize they want to win when they grow up – it’ll be just like Chemistry camp except less poison ivy. Jake watches Ugly Git chatting with Emmy as he complains about the stench of the sewage. Little perspective Jake, world ending and all that jazz. Jake says he’ll take the train. Jake, if the trains don’t run ’cos there are leaves on the track, I don’t think they’ll be running in a flood. But what do I know, try your luck. Jake goes to meet his gang to discover that Ugly Git – momentarily promoted to Ugly Sneering Git will be providing their accommodation. Jake looks less than pleased. He was probably hoping to get in a sleeping bag with Emmy. I know I was. Hoping he would that is, not me. Phew, think I got away with that.
Tune in quite damn soon for Part 3 of this most epic review.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
PS - Another mystery - why does Blogger always punish me when I'm in a hurry?
Cycling legend Lance Armstrong has privately confirmed speculation that Jake Gyllenhaal will portray him in a biopic.
He told sources at ESPN that Matthew McConaughey had been up to play the part, but lost out to Gyllenhaal.
"He said that's why he has been spending so much time with them both this summer," said the source.
Armstrong, who won the Tour de France a record seven times, hosted ESPN's ESPY Awards last month.
[Source] Thanks Elle!
So that's why they all hung out together this summer. Some sort of trial by fire? And McNoganinny lost out and that's why they don't hang anymore? And he must hate Jake now? Yep? Am I right or am I wrong, so very wrong?
By the by, looking very good here Pops. You know, Jake, if you don't stay on your toes I might threathen to change the namesake of this blog again.
This pic was taken by Robin for IHJ. See the rest HERE. No tattoo pics though. Dude, if me, prophecygirl and anneka had been there we would have pinned The Gyllenhaal to the ground and sat on him to get a pic of that forearm, I don't care how 'inappropriate' it would have been. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of Jake Gyllenhaal.
Monday, August 21, 2006
"A dog. This was a real opportunity to get close to animals: horses, dogs, sheep. For a city boy, it was great. My dog has changed my life. And since then, my sister has two cats and my parents have three cats and I got a second dog."
Jake Gyllenhaal, Honky Cat.
(Hint: The post is best enjoyed if read aloud in your best Cher-from-Clueless voice.)
Oh, Jake Watchers. Oh, dear sweet Jake Watchers. Last time I did the Sunday Project, I learned some very disturbing things, like that Jake has totally been with, like, every girl in our whole school...except for me! At first, I was way hurt by this. But then I thought, "Prophecy, what the hell? You are, like, so awesome. What you need to do is learn everything you possibly can about Jake and then he'll like you!" Duh! Intelligence is, like, totally my number one asset!
So this is what I'm going to do. Here I've got Part 1 in a never-ending series I like to call:
Oh my Gaw, this is, like, way important because you can learn so much about a guy through his tongue! (Or at least that's what it said in Cosmo.) So I'm starting to go through all my pics and figuring out the different ways Jake speaks to us through his tongue. Awesome! And sometimes I'll throw in bonus "Other Mouth Features" but only if they're, like, way important, like the Lower-Lip Bite thing this time around.
See? Now I'll be able to know what he's thinking when I see any of these 5 tongues and/or 1 lower lip bite! Isn't Jake just going to love me?! I am sooooo girlfriend material! ;)
Sunday, August 20, 2006
I realise I'm in no position to lecture but I had my reasons for not being there - it was quiz night down the Dog & Duck. Anneka's 21st was last night and obviously she got lashed up on Blue Nun and Malibu and passed out in a Biffa skip so she couldn't go and prophecygirl has the lurgy and rightly didn't want to infect any passing Gyllenhaal but what about everyone else? Hm?
Well, I'll forgive you this time but if the Gyllenhaal manages to escape our grasp so easily again I might have to do some internal restructing involving sharks with frickin laser beams attached to their heads.
Now, back to business - there has been talk of tattoos and tennis...very exciting...but no word on the socks.
UPDATE: First pics of the tattoo in.
ALSO: MINI-NEWS REPORT (although I should really stop doing these after the shit storm it caused last time)
I have found out the problem with Blogger and why the page isn't always updating. Apparently Blogger have been encouraging people to start new blogs to test some new Beta software thing (I have no idea what this means either) and now it's caused this problem. There's too many people, ask prophecygirl - it's not just a blogging problem but a global one.
Also, sometimes when I view Jake Watch an advert for something pops up and says 'Click here' to view this website for free or some shit. Just close it. It's got nothing to do with me and I'm royally pissed off that it's there and I'm going to hunt down the bastards who did put it there.
Also, the 'About the Blog' section under 'BLOG' in the sidebar has been updated ready for the 'change'. It's all true, honestly.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Hello and welcome to Anneka’s Picture House, located in Anneka’s room. Seating three, at a squeeze.
Just a quick note about my experience as a reviewer - I once reviewed a Judy Blume book for my Junior School Magazine. There was only one issue. My favourite films in no particular order are Dogma, The Wedding Singer, Amelie, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Strictly Ballroom, Team America, Lemony Snicket, Bubble Boy, Wayne’s World, Finding Forrester and The Day After Tomorrow. What a coincidence! That’s the film I’m going to be reviewing today! And the final thing you need to know about me is I will watch anything – you could probably already tell with LXG in there. It can star Tim Allen or include the words Danielle Steel in the title, it's all good.
So let’s turn down the lights, climb under my quilt and go on an adventure with Jake. Cos they’re the best kind of adventures.
Adverts. I LOVE adverts. They’re usually my favourite part of the movie going experience, next to the abuse hurled from the little shits on the back row. First is an advert against video piracy. They say they’re not very good quality but the only pirate DVD I ever watched was excellent quality. Apparently I, Robot is coming to DVD soon. So is Garfield. Advert for The Simpsons. Yeah, like I’m stupid enough to buy something that’s on TV every night. We all learnt that mistake with Friends.
Shhhhh. Film’s starting.
Camera pans over the ice sheets of Antartica somewhere near Tom Welling’s Fortress of Solitude. Take a good look. The ice’ll be gone in about six weeks according to scientists. Not according to britpopbaby’s Dad though, he has a theory that involves ice cubes and an Archers and lemonade. Jake is second billing - we must do something about that. Executive producers include the excellently named Kelly Van Horn.
Three scientists - Dennis Quaid (DQ) and two others that are not famous and so will be called New Guy and Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End – are studying ice on an ice shelf. Fair play, they’ve obviously thought it through. Let’s hope Jake won’t be wearing one of those unattractive yellow snowsuits all the way through.
Awww shit. The scientists let the New Guy use the drilling machine. Page the ER stat! The ice splits old school style.
DQ leaps a big crack in the ice to rescue, not Jake, or a cat, but some ice. Has he looked around? There’s fricking ice everywhere! Contrary both to Sod’s Law (or Murphy’s Law for our friends over the pond) and the laws of physics, he makes it back to safety. Apparently “the whole damn shelf is breaking off!” No worries DQ, nail and hammer should sort that right out…What do you mean this could spell disaster? Is this a disaster movie?
Cut to well-decorated conference room where DQ is explaining why this is going to be a disaster movie. Basically, global warming will cause an Ice Age 2: The Meltdown starring Ray Romano and Jay Leno as some shell-clad creature. Don’t worry, most people at the conference don’t understand either, especially the Vice President who looks like an American bald eagle. He’s unimpressed…at DQ’s prediction, not at looking like an eagle. I have a feeling it will come back to haunt him…SUCKER!
Outside the conference, it’s snowing in New Delhi. Isn’t that one of the signs of the apocalypse, along with Paris Hilton’s having a successful music career. Oooooooh, it’s a HOBBIT! Sorry, I meant one of our finest actors, Sir Ian Holm. He’s a professor impressed by DQ’s theory and invites him for a cuppa. Man, if I wasn’t waiting for Jake, I’d give you my heart Bilbo.
Meanwhile there is a storm over a buoy in the sea. Ominous I think you’ll agree. (Totally off subject, I recently went whale-watching in the US and found out that you Yanks like to pronounce buoy ‘bugh-ee’ which is a remarkably strange sounding word, like ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’. Or ‘zoo’.). We’re in Scotland where some peeps are supposed to be monitoring said-buoys but are instead watching footie and sleeping. Can’t blame them, seems like a boring job. Sleeping guy is very sexy. Man, if I wasn’t waiting for Jake, I’d give you my heart Sexy. Sexy wakes up, sees buoy is in trouble and immediately calls for Lassie. Well, actually buoy is just cold. It’s in the sea, what did it expect? We’re calling Sexy’s friend 'Stupid' as he dismisses the coldness of a buoy. In a disaster movie.
Cut to Tokyo where it’s pissing down. With huge fucking blocks of ice. DQ, there’s plenty of ice here for your bourbon, come quick! One daft bloke runs from shelter and is killed for his stupidity. It’s like Darwin wrote the script. If Sexy’s friend Stupid dies, and Jake lives, we’ll take it as a sign that Darwin wrote the script.
Now we’re in Washington D.C. where DQ lives. He’s back from his trip and checking his mail. It’s probably from Tokyo telling him they found him some ice.
Okay guys. Our first shot of Jake is not all that attractive I’m afraid. He’s eating bread, chugging milk and watching news footage of a hurricane like there’s something he’d rather be watching on the other side. Some woman – please be his older live-in lover – answers the phone. DQ’s bitching that Sam’s report card is not so good. The stupid boy got an F in Calculus. I never even took Calculus so he’s already cleverer than me. And I’m a genius, I’ve got a certificate and a teddy-bear to prove it. By the way, Jake is Sam. Should we call him Jam? And he is DQ’s son. All caught up? Good.
Jake’s Movie Mom – not his live-in lover – shows us that DQ and Jake don’t have a good relationship because DQ does not know that Jake joined the school quiz team, which in Movie Land, enables him to go to New York. Our school quiz team enabled us to meet in the library and get the piss ripped out of us on a daily basis. Besides, I thought Jake was stupid? F in Calculus, remember? Movie Mom says he joined the team because of a girl. Oh good, he likes girls in this film. Although Jake shakes his head at Movie Mom’s comment. So maybe it’s about a boy on the team.
Cut to Oceanic Atmospheric Administration which is the official name for DQ’s office. His boss shouts at him for pissing off the Bald Eagle Vice Prez at the conference. DQ tells him that Jake knows more about science than the Vice Prez. Hang on DQ, you called him stupid not so long ago, make up your bleedin mind. Boss says that Jake, as a 17 year old doesn’t control the budget. That’s what I love about America – they don’t let 17 year olds control the budget. Britain tried it for about a fortnight but when X-Boxs and blow became available on the NHS, they gave it back to Gordon Brown.
DQ realises he’s late to take Jake to the airport. Would anyone alive ever forget they had to take Jake Gyllenhaal to the airport? Jake’s getting in a taxi but DQ makes him get in his car. Kidnapping is illegal DQ. Ask Britpopbaby. On the way to the airport, Jake explains he’s failing Calculus because Mr Spangler – Blimey, Egon Spangler has certainly gone down a long way since Ghostbusters – hates him. And because he didn’t show his workings. This proves that Jake is in fact a genius and that DQ should feel bad for calling him stupid...SUCKER!
Jake’s on a plane. Eating. Is he supposed to be Brad Pitt in Ocean’s 11? Next to him is Emmy Rossum, who I like very much so I won’t give her a bitchy name. Next to her, is a guy who looks like the love-child of Howard from the Halifax adverts and Will Smith, but more Howard from the Halifax.
Jake’s afraid of flying so there’s a shitload of turbulence and Jake nearly gets decapitated by the drinks trolley. He smooshes Emmy’s hand in fear. Yay! Girls it is!
Back to Scotland. Sexy buoy watcher sends his Misses off on holiday with his son. While he’s out, another buoy gets cold. In Greenland. Of course it’s cold in Greenland! And another buoy’s shivering. Bilbo, Sexy’s boss, is concerned.
Jake’s plane obviously landed safely as our favourite school geeks are in New York. They get out of their cab just in time to see some birds go ape shit.
Imagine how concerned Jake would be if he saw how upset the animals at the zoo are like we do. Those CGI wolves are especially cranky. Quick, ring Papa Gyllenhaal and see if Atticus and Boo are all right!
Did Boo and Atticus make it?
Aren't these attractive?
socks! Armstrong, it's like you know. Unfortunately none of them are knee height which I though might be imperative to the gentleman cyclist?
Jake must have special access to a stash of low-key Livestrong gear because I can't find anything he is actually wearing. Maybe Lance has a deal trafficking the A-Lister gear out of his garage.
All a bit pricey after splashing out on your Jake Watch T Shirt? Don't worry! There's a SALE on.
For more on Livestrong, visit the site HERE. I would like to say I live strong but I live kind of lazily and apathetically...
Friday, August 18, 2006
A padded gilet in the style of Jake Gyllenhaal? This is what asos.com like to say after most of their products, a wrap dress in the style of Nicole Kidman, a barely visible white bikini in the style of Pamela Fug Anderson and so on. Usually I'm forgiving of their liberalness with descriptions but when it comes to Jake, please don't copy the artwork. Actually, I guess you haven't this time because this could be any old black padded gilet couldn't it? But it is sold out...and ribbed for his pleasure (sorry).
If you need me for anything - messages of love, messages of hate, backrubs, cheap viagra, penis enlargement surgery, selling stock shares in illegitmate companies then email me at:
Also, Jake Watch is in a book...sort of. I picked up a book about blogging in WHSmiths today and read it (never buy things, just read it there and bend the pages for whoever does buy it) and it had listed the gossip blog Bricks and Stones who link to us and vice versa. So, ergo Jake Watch is in a blogging book by default because I say so. So there.
No!! Naked beach wedding! Naked beach wedding! With Boo as the ring bearer!
I presumed the hippy in Maggie would be in full flow when it came to wedding arrangements but looks like the Gyllengaards might be heading down the traditional road. I'm slightly disappointed but then she did throw in the word 'fantasy' so fingers crossed.
In related news I'm thinking of opening a gallery to host mine and PG's art. I think it's truly unique and needs a space where people can just appreciate it for what it is, without it playing some puppet to the latest Gyllenhaal news. Just a nice little place in London somewhere, you know, keep it bohemian. We'll eat olives and drink merlot, no?
Also, if you want a Jake Watch T Shirt please order it ASAP (like now) because I've got the 25 orders I need so I want to start getting them printed. Hear that, Grandad! Get the 17th century press out the shed, we're ready!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I'm sure you've all read this little "account" by now but I think it deserves the full Jake Watch dressing down. For those of you who don't know who the hell this woman is, she is this person:
Now, listen Donohoe, from this evidence I can believe that Jake might find you attractive - he seems to like the 'impish' sorts. I can also believe that Jake might not have spoken to you but rather then being "tounge-tied" at your beauty he was more likely shell-shocked because you probably tried to rub yourself up against him from the sounds of it. Please don't do that, Jake is a sensitive lad. Throwing around turns of phrase like, "bedroom eyes" and "eating biscuits" might have done all kinds of things to his mind. I can only imagine it was like when Jayne Seymour tried to seduce Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers.
And FYI, Donohoe, this is the only way someone can 'look Irish':
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
For a bigger version where facial expressions can be clearly seen click HERE.
Remember, keep 'em short!
(NB: Idea may have been stolen from numerous sources. Also, I may have forgotten which one is actually Jake...)
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I declare we create, The Jake Gyllenhaal. That's right, a cocktail named after Jake. Can you picture it? Bars and lounges across the world with slick types ordering a Gyllenhaal. I realise most cocktails are created by bartenders in New York but I myself used to shake, yep, don't spread it around but I make a mean Cheeky Vimto and I reckon most people here aren't too shy of the vodka so let's pool our knowledge to create the next Pelvic Thrust or Flying Tiger!
There may be some issues with using Jake's name in such a way but let's skip right past that for a moment and get started with the alcohol.
I suppose it'll be trial and error but whose ready to raid the drinks cabinet and get with me?
POINTS TO CONSIDER:
- Does it need to be sweet or sour?
- 'Hospitalisation' Strong or 'Maybe I'd Make Out with that Tramp' weak?
Gyllenhaal uses brother for free therapy - short but interesting.
A Manic Maggie - sweet little Maggie interview. Still no news on that baby name but you're all so gonna lose out because it's totally going to be called Susie.
Thanks to Rachel, for sending me the Esquire scan. I didn't pay this list must attention when it first came round because lists and me don't mix but now I spot that jake was No. 2 last year! What happened in the past twelve months that could have plummeted him to No.4...oh yeah, that orange lycra...ah, lest we forget.
And finally, my thanks to Cantara and Stephen 'Pops' Gyllenhaal for letting me have my very own copy of Claptrap. I mentioned it ages ago, but PophecyGirl reminded me that I never posted the pic:
Monday, August 14, 2006
Someone (fool), somewhere, asked some people (also fools) who they thought (wrongly) were the top ten natural beauties of the world. The list is as follows:
1. Sophia Loren
2. George Clooney
3. Charlotte Church
4. Catherine Zeta Jones
5. Johnny Depp
6. Kate Winslet
7. Gwyneth Paltrow
8. Jack Black
9. Cameron Diaz
10. Gail Porter
Now, I realise most people might not give a shit but I do. Neighbours is the greatest soap in the history of the world and whilst is has scant regard for realism, decent special effects and continuity is always original, so imagine my dismay when they referenced Bubble Boy without actually mentioning the film or Jake himself. I'm not going to go into the, frankly lame, storyline but basically Zeke the Freak was pretending to be confined to a bubble to make his obese girlfriend look good for the local newspaper. For a moment I thought it might be just coincedence but then can you guess who Zeke introduced himself as? JIMMY!
I'm getting so worked up about this because Bubble Boy holds a special place in my heart. Some people may think Brokeback Mountain was Jake's finest performance to date or that Donnie Darko gave him his breakthrough or that he looked his most hottest in Jarhead but to them I say no, no and NO! Bubble Boy is where it's at! 500 dollahs! So I now call upon you all to march for Jimmy Livingston and his electrical rock music guitar and boycott Neighbours for this travesty of Jake times!
I think we should take a moment to bask in the glory of Bubble Boy...
Jimmy: "Hi, my name's Jimmy Livingston. My mom says, when I was born, I came gift wrapped from heaven."
Mrs Livingston: And then Pinocchio came out of his plastic bubble and touched the filthy little whore next door and died. The End!
Jimmy: Dog poo! This is awesome.
Mrs Livingston: "Dear Mr. and Ms. Livingston, we have kidnapped your son. Give us $100,000 dollars or he dies. Signed, the Jews." Are you kidding? ARE YOU KIDDING? Who in their right mind is going to believe this note Morton? THEY'RE THE JEWS. THEY'RE GOING TO WANT MORE THAN $100,000!
(PS - I couldn't find a picture of the actual offence so you'll have to make do with a picture of Harold, the resident coffee shop owner and trombone player. He is the personification of the show.)
(PPS - I'm not sure there is enough material to turn this into a feature.)
When I first saw the picture I naturally thought, "Awwwww, Jake with a baby! Ah, that's exactly what he'll look like when he cradles our children, only hopefully without the spider face, mad hair, football manager sheepskin coat circa 1974 and bonnet".
But...hang on...why the spider face? Is that even Jake? Hang on, I've had a thought...
It's okay. I figured it out. It's from the lesser spotted Highway. Remember when Jake was all cute, stoned and indie? Oh, what a different tale it could have been young Gyllenhaal. Dude, where's my Ennis Del Mar? Oh yes, very different indeed.
So, yeah. Jake with a baby. You may squee now.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
"When it came time to design the poster for the film, (co-president of Focus Features and frequent Lee collaborator James) Schamus didn’t research posters of famous Westerns for ideas. He looked at the posters of the 50 most romantic movies ever made. 'If you look at our poster,' he says, 'you can see traces of our inspiration, 'Titanic'.'"
I suppose it's less inspiration more direct copying. We have exchanged big ass boat for big ass mountain range and introduced a lot more denim but I still bet you asking yourself why you never noticed this before. Lazy fat cats! But damn, it worked.
I'd also like to add that Titanic was shit. Just want to get that out there.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Iranian dissident Akbar Ganji arrived in town this week to an intimate gathering that included just about every politically active leading man around. Warren Beatty, Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Mark Ruffalo and Jake Gyllenhaal attended the reception at producer Mike Medavoy's Beverly Hills estate Wednesday night to meet Ganji, a human rights activist who was imprisoned in Iran for six years.
Ganji was unfazed by the celebrity attention, but the presence of Beatty caught Ganji's interpreter off guard. "Are you Warren Beatty? That's Warren Beatty!" she said. Medavoy, who moderated the event, joked: "None of us care." Said Beatty: "Yeah, that's for sure."
Addressing the standing-room-only crowd of about 75 people for an hour, Ganji urged complete disarmament in the Middle East. (The suggestion didn't go over well with media mogul Haim Saban, who argued that Israel needs its nuclear weapons as a deterrent.)
Ganji responded to Saban: "The only way is to ban the bombs for everyone."Pitt (clad in black) had to leave the event early — making a bit of a ruckus when he raced off on his motorcycle.
Penn, looking like a workaday actor in a rumpled blue suit, thanked Ganji for coming, saying people need to hear his message of non-violence. Ruffalo agreed. "This has put a whole new face on Iran for me," the actor said. "It deepens it and makes it more human."
After the speech, Ruffalo and Gyllenhaal retired to Medavoy's screening room, where they watched trailers for "All the King's Men" (starring Penn and produced by Medavoy) and their 2007 thriller, "Zodiac," about the real-life serial killer who terrorized San Francisco in the 1960s and '70s.
As the evening closed, Ganji — who is traveling the country addressing various groups — said he believed it was essential to meet with the Hollywood crowd. "I'm here to have a conversation," he said.
I'm not entirely sure what to make of this. It seems a little left-field. They sat and listened to an Iranian dissendent for over an hour and then watched trailers for their own movies?
"Excuse me, young man. Could you just help me load my shopping into the car. I'm afraid my back isn't what it used to be"
"Sure, nice, elderly, non-threatening lady, I'll help you for I am mighty and strong like lion."
"Aww, thank you, deary. It's shame there aren't more nice, young, rippling, hot men like you out there."
"Unfortunately, The Gyllenhaal is a rare breed. Ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Of course, dear. If you could just get those bags right in there...yes...right to the back of the trunk...don't be afraid to bend over and get right in there...."
"Er, are you touching me?"
YOU SICKEN ME! Will you people stop taking advantage of Jake's good nature! What? So now Jake can't even do his hot and sexy shopping where he buys his hot and sexy food in his hot and sexy clothes without risking a groping from some passing pensioner!! Will everyone please stop trying to cop a feel of the goods!