Hello and welcome to Anneka’s Picture House, located in Anneka’s room. Seating three, at a squeeze.
Just a quick note about my experience as a reviewer - I once reviewed a Judy Blume book for my Junior School Magazine. There was only one issue. My favourite films in no particular order are Dogma, The Wedding Singer, Amelie, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Strictly Ballroom, Team America, Lemony Snicket, Bubble Boy, Wayne’s World, Finding Forrester and The Day After Tomorrow. What a coincidence! That’s the film I’m going to be reviewing today! And the final thing you need to know about me is I will watch anything – you could probably already tell with LXG in there. It can star Tim Allen or include the words Danielle Steel in the title, it's all good.
So let’s turn down the lights, climb under my quilt and go on an adventure with Jake. Cos they’re the best kind of adventures.
Adverts. I LOVE adverts. They’re usually my favourite part of the movie going experience, next to the abuse hurled from the little shits on the back row. First is an advert against video piracy. They say they’re not very good quality but the only pirate DVD I ever watched was excellent quality. Apparently I, Robot is coming to DVD soon. So is Garfield. Advert for The Simpsons. Yeah, like I’m stupid enough to buy something that’s on TV every night. We all learnt that mistake with Friends.
Shhhhh. Film’s starting.
Camera pans over the ice sheets of Antartica somewhere near Tom Welling’s Fortress of Solitude. Take a good look. The ice’ll be gone in about six weeks according to scientists. Not according to britpopbaby’s Dad though, he has a theory that involves ice cubes and an Archers and lemonade. Jake is second billing - we must do something about that. Executive producers include the excellently named Kelly Van Horn.
Three scientists - Dennis Quaid (DQ) and two others that are not famous and so will be called New Guy and Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End – are studying ice on an ice shelf. Fair play, they’ve obviously thought it through. Let’s hope Jake won’t be wearing one of those unattractive yellow snowsuits all the way through.
Awww shit. The scientists let the New Guy use the drilling machine. Page the ER stat! The ice splits old school style.
DQ leaps a big crack in the ice to rescue, not Jake, or a cat, but some ice. Has he looked around? There’s fricking ice everywhere! Contrary both to Sod’s Law (or Murphy’s Law for our friends over the pond) and the laws of physics, he makes it back to safety. Apparently “the whole damn shelf is breaking off!” No worries DQ, nail and hammer should sort that right out…What do you mean this could spell disaster? Is this a disaster movie?
Cut to well-decorated conference room where DQ is explaining why this is going to be a disaster movie. Basically, global warming will cause an Ice Age 2: The Meltdown starring Ray Romano and Jay Leno as some shell-clad creature. Don’t worry, most people at the conference don’t understand either, especially the Vice President who looks like an American bald eagle. He’s unimpressed…at DQ’s prediction, not at looking like an eagle. I have a feeling it will come back to haunt him…SUCKER!
Outside the conference, it’s snowing in New Delhi. Isn’t that one of the signs of the apocalypse, along with Paris Hilton’s having a successful music career. Oooooooh, it’s a HOBBIT! Sorry, I meant one of our finest actors, Sir Ian Holm. He’s a professor impressed by DQ’s theory and invites him for a cuppa. Man, if I wasn’t waiting for Jake, I’d give you my heart Bilbo.
Meanwhile there is a storm over a buoy in the sea. Ominous I think you’ll agree. (Totally off subject, I recently went whale-watching in the US and found out that you Yanks like to pronounce buoy ‘bugh-ee’ which is a remarkably strange sounding word, like ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’. Or ‘zoo’.). We’re in Scotland where some peeps are supposed to be monitoring said-buoys but are instead watching footie and sleeping. Can’t blame them, seems like a boring job. Sleeping guy is very sexy. Man, if I wasn’t waiting for Jake, I’d give you my heart Sexy. Sexy wakes up, sees buoy is in trouble and immediately calls for Lassie. Well, actually buoy is just cold. It’s in the sea, what did it expect? We’re calling Sexy’s friend 'Stupid' as he dismisses the coldness of a buoy. In a disaster movie.
Cut to Tokyo where it’s pissing down. With huge fucking blocks of ice. DQ, there’s plenty of ice here for your bourbon, come quick! One daft bloke runs from shelter and is killed for his stupidity. It’s like Darwin wrote the script. If Sexy’s friend Stupid dies, and Jake lives, we’ll take it as a sign that Darwin wrote the script.
Now we’re in Washington D.C. where DQ lives. He’s back from his trip and checking his mail. It’s probably from Tokyo telling him they found him some ice.
Okay guys. Our first shot of Jake is not all that attractive I’m afraid. He’s eating bread, chugging milk and watching news footage of a hurricane like there’s something he’d rather be watching on the other side. Some woman – please be his older live-in lover – answers the phone. DQ’s bitching that Sam’s report card is not so good. The stupid boy got an F in Calculus. I never even took Calculus so he’s already cleverer than me. And I’m a genius, I’ve got a certificate and a teddy-bear to prove it. By the way, Jake is Sam. Should we call him Jam? And he is DQ’s son. All caught up? Good.
Jake’s Movie Mom – not his live-in lover – shows us that DQ and Jake don’t have a good relationship because DQ does not know that Jake joined the school quiz team, which in Movie Land, enables him to go to New York. Our school quiz team enabled us to meet in the library and get the piss ripped out of us on a daily basis. Besides, I thought Jake was stupid? F in Calculus, remember? Movie Mom says he joined the team because of a girl. Oh good, he likes girls in this film. Although Jake shakes his head at Movie Mom’s comment. So maybe it’s about a boy on the team.
Cut to Oceanic Atmospheric Administration which is the official name for DQ’s office. His boss shouts at him for pissing off the Bald Eagle Vice Prez at the conference. DQ tells him that Jake knows more about science than the Vice Prez. Hang on DQ, you called him stupid not so long ago, make up your bleedin mind. Boss says that Jake, as a 17 year old doesn’t control the budget. That’s what I love about America – they don’t let 17 year olds control the budget. Britain tried it for about a fortnight but when X-Boxs and blow became available on the NHS, they gave it back to Gordon Brown.
DQ realises he’s late to take Jake to the airport. Would anyone alive ever forget they had to take Jake Gyllenhaal to the airport? Jake’s getting in a taxi but DQ makes him get in his car. Kidnapping is illegal DQ. Ask Britpopbaby. On the way to the airport, Jake explains he’s failing Calculus because Mr Spangler – Blimey, Egon Spangler has certainly gone down a long way since Ghostbusters – hates him. And because he didn’t show his workings. This proves that Jake is in fact a genius and that DQ should feel bad for calling him stupid...SUCKER!
Jake’s on a plane. Eating. Is he supposed to be Brad Pitt in Ocean’s 11? Next to him is Emmy Rossum, who I like very much so I won’t give her a bitchy name. Next to her, is a guy who looks like the love-child of Howard from the Halifax adverts and Will Smith, but more Howard from the Halifax.
Jake’s afraid of flying so there’s a shitload of turbulence and Jake nearly gets decapitated by the drinks trolley. He smooshes Emmy’s hand in fear. Yay! Girls it is!
Back to Scotland. Sexy buoy watcher sends his Misses off on holiday with his son. While he’s out, another buoy gets cold. In Greenland. Of course it’s cold in Greenland! And another buoy’s shivering. Bilbo, Sexy’s boss, is concerned.
Jake’s plane obviously landed safely as our favourite school geeks are in New York. They get out of their cab just in time to see some birds go ape shit.
Imagine how concerned Jake would be if he saw how upset the animals at the zoo are like we do. Those CGI wolves are especially cranky. Quick, ring Papa Gyllenhaal and see if Atticus and Boo are all right!
Did Boo and Atticus make it?