Jake in '08: Campaign Finance Update

As I'm sure everyone noticed, Jake's Reese-happy rendezvous in Los Angeles was short-lived, and he is now back on the campaign trail...hey, Jake, seriously, do not ruin this post for us by showing up in paparazzi pictures today, 'kay? Er, as I was saying, Jake is back campaigning hard, but is it hard enough? HIGHLY disturbing intel from a legitimately, uh, legitimate source has shaken the campaign efforts to the core. You heard it here first: the Gyllenhaals have not monetarily contributed to the Jake in '08 campaign. Scandal!

All this from The Huffington Post, which has come forth with a hard-hitting piece of political journalism detailing the campaign contributions of celebrities. It was no surprise to anyone that Kelsey Grammar is the only person in Hollywood bold enough to give to a Republican, but readers were shocked, nay horrified, to read this in the second paragraph:

"The Sheen/Estevez clan, Martin, Charlie and Emilio, all turn up empty, ditto all four Baldwin brothers and the Gyllenhaals."

When pressed for comment, Jake told us, "I don't know, maybe it has something to do with Jake Watch backing my campaign? Why the hell were all the doorknobs in my parents' house wet?" Whoa, about a nine on the tension scale there, Jake. He was, unfortunately, referring to britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl's month-long stay in the Gyllenhaal family home, during which time some pretty weird shit went on. (From britpopbaby's diary: "I just sat in the kitchen sink today, because I know Jake has scrubbed vegetables in that sink, and I just wanted to be part of that experience.") The elder Gyllenhaals' wish to separate themselves from the Jake Watch name was a hard blow, but perhaps understandable since the organization and its leaders are so goddamned strange.

Also upsetting campaign morale is the newest attack on Jake's character, not from those wily Stewart/Colbert boneheads this time, but from the potential upset candidate, Jack Bauer. Bauer's likely running mate, Eugen from Romania, held a press conference early Thursday. "How could you vote for Jake? He's a disgrace to the family name! His name basically means 'dude who loves butterflies and shit'* and he tortures bugs for fun! Watch this!" Eugen then dramatically pulled up YouTube and showed the following video:

Team Gyllenhaal responded promptly saying that the film's poor sound quality had led to a tragic misinterpretation. Jake was not talking about killing insects with a magnifying glass, but rather studying them up close because at that point in his life, he ambitiously dreamed of growing up to be an entomologist (a goal shared by Prophecy Girl). Jake's final comment on the matter? "To think that my love of Coleoptera would be used against me for such political malevolence hurts me on a deeply personal level. My only hope is that this injustice will cause my parents to reconsider and contribute to my campaign so that stupid Jack Bauer, and his hexapod-hating self, doesn't bring about the same downfall to the American people that he already has to Class Insecta."

Well said, Jake Gyllenhaal. Well fucking said.


*Direct quote from Jake's appearance on the The Late Show with David Letterman while he was promoting October Sky: "My great great great great great great great great great great grandfather was a butterfly catcher and cataloger...he was actually asked by the king or queen of Sweden...to a catalog butterflies for the kingdom. And he put them in the golden hall right outside the castle. And he ordained him the court butterfly catcher, gave him a coat of arms, and now we are named golden hall or Gyllenhaal."

Thanks to Penny Lane for the Huffington Post find and Welliwont for tracking down insect-killer Jake.