Being the type to philosophize on the heavy issues, I took this statement to heart. Is Zac Efron really taking over as pop culture's It Boy? Or is the lack of post material so overwhelming that we are reduced to creating entire posts out of comments that even other commenters have ignored? It was time for a Jake Watch Investigation.
My first stop was the vital information provided by my set of "Heartthrobs of the Aughts" Jake Watch premiere trading cards:
From this, I was able to deduce what elementary visual analysis had already told me: Jake is taller.
This wasn't enough to go on, though. I was forced to sit down and draw up a comprehensive list of everything I knew about both individuals and then compare their attributes in a highly biased manner. My results:
Zac: People younger than Zac (and PG - tell no one!).
Jake: People older than Jake (and PG).
Winner: Jake. Age and wisdom go hand-in-hand, duh. Plus, the lack of shame.
Zac: Young Hollywood Award, Teen Choice Award.
Jake: Young Hollywood Award, BAFTA, Oscar nom, MTV Movie Award, a bunch of other stuff.
Winner: Jake. For the Best Kiss thing, of course.
Zac: None. [Edit: Oops. Apparently he does have an official site but I can't look at it or else I'd have to change the winner.]
Jake: This mess.
Winner: Jake, by default.
Zac: High School Musical 1 & 2; Hairspray
Jake: One failed Moulin Rouge audition and an SNL skit in drag.
Winner: Jake, but only because I'm making Jake the winner in all the categories.
Zac: See above.
Jake: The Santa Dance, the Donnie Darko Production Diary Dance, and This Dance.
Winner: Jake, because nothing defeats the Santa Dance.
Zac: High School Musical co-star Vanessa Hudgens.
Jake: Rendition co-star Reese Witherspoon.
Winner: Jake, on account of being man enough to date someone more famous than he is.
Internet Gayness Factor (numbers subject to change on a daily basis):
Zac: 996,000 hits on Google.
Jake: 900,000 hits on Google.
Winner: Well, hot damn. Zac has more results than Jake? I'm forced to ruin the winning streak and give this one to Zac.
Likelihood He'll Be Mistaken For a Girl:
Likelihood People in Siberia Know Who He Is:
Zac: 25%, as "that kid from that Disney movie."
Jake: 25%, as "that kid from that gay movie."
Zac: Footloose: The Remake
Winner: Hail to the chief!
In conclusion: Sorry World Consumers of Pop Culture, but you are wrong! Zac Efron is not as wonderful as Jake Gyllenhaal. My highly scientific method of comparing the two has shown that Jake is at least 7 times better. AND he's taller!
And as for my own question...turns out yeah. This was definitely all done because there's no news.
Speaking of Jake as President, turns out this information has somehow been left out of his Wikipedia article. I'm scandalized! Regardless of this audacious oversight, Jake's article is being featured today on the Wikipedia main page. Unlike Zac Efron's.
Zac Efron info from IMDb and the knowledge gained from the embarrassing number of times PG has seen Hairspray and the two High School Musicals. Big thanks to Sarah920 for the Wikipedia info and bmg for the unintentional inspiration. ;)