Tuesday, November 07, 2006

JAKE WATCH ELECTION DAY SPECIAL!

If you happen to be an American today (or any day), then you probably already know that the first Tuesday in November in an even-numbered, non-Presidential election year can only mean one thing. Oh, yes, baby. Mid-term elections. And this year there's actually the possibility of a power shift so if you aren't voting, then you're a LOSER.

But because so many of our fine readers here are not American, and because as an American it is my duty to inflict my country's customs on the unsuspecting world community, I thought I would explain the U.S. democratic process for everyone today in terms we can all appreciate. Let us begin.

1. The Political Parties

Here in America, we have a two-party political system. We can't always tell the difference between the two parties, so we color-code them: blue for Democrats and red for Republicans. And if we can't tell which party something falls under, we mix the two colors together and call it "Independent." Let's let Jack Twist demonstrate:

Well done, Jack Twist. We'll see you again in a minute.

2. The Voting Process

The balance of power between these parties is decided by the American people. We elect representives to our government via the voting process. To help explain voting, here is Jake Gyllenhaal:

"When somebody turns the age they need to be to vote, they should be just as excited as they are when they turn the age to buy porno." source

That's the spirit, Jake! Yes! It really is that exciting! You can't even know how good voting is until you've done it yourself. What else, Jake?

"Voting is sexy. I think everybody should do it, and I want everybody to do it with me." source

Oooh, baby. Jake's right. When you vote with him, the experience is even better! That's because honestly, your one little tiny vote doesn't count for shit until it's thrown in with all the millions of other ballots from people who voted like you did (strength in numbers)! And Jake votes like me. Oh, baby, does he ever.

3. Erm, More of the Voting Process

So how do you cast your vote? Well, in this country, where religion never has any influence on our government, we go to our local churches to vote. We stand in long lines and then senior citizens put our information into a computer system (to make sure we aren't dead) before we are led over to the sacred voting booths. Once you go inside and close the curtain, it's just you and your ballot. Take all the time you need. Sometimes the choices are tough:


4. The Issues

But now that you know how we vote and for whom we vote, you probably want to know why we vote (besides the sexiness factor). We want people in office who are concerned about the same issues we are. Big issues in this election include:

The Environment 
 
Gay Marriage
 
And One of Any Infinite Number of Wars We Are Currently Fighting

And so, compadres around the world, as you can see, Election Day is a Very Important Day for us Americans, and I'm sure you're all feeling really left out by now.

And Americans, I think we should all show the world, and Jake, how much this day really means to us. I leave you with a set of pictures in which I hope you pick up on my subtle, one-word plea for the day (hint it's a four-letter word)...



VOTE!!!

Pics from IHJ.

83 comments:

veeveevee said...

1. Blue Shirt Jack!
2. Yes, it is sexy, and I'll do it with you any time, Jake!
3. BBM sheepskin coat all the way.
4. All of the above (thank you for using your tremendous power and acting ability to consistently point out the issues.

PG, thanks for pulling all this together! He is so sexy...all skinny on Oprah, and even in a trucker hat (although that picture displays the ideal amount of facial hair - hairy, and yet still mole-viewable!)

Nothing Really Matters said...

I’ll be voting Democratic and of course PG!

Nothing Really Matters said...

Well i would if i could!

Dude what a great post!

cina said...

Oh PG, you just managed to make me wish I was an American citizen so I could vote! LOL!
Too funny girl. You're brilliant! :-D

Oh, and I'd vote for the Democrats. And that has nothing to do with Jake (and I'm being serious here).

veeveevee said...

Apparently I am the token American here (for this moment, at least), and I can assure you all that I'll be voting Democratic all the way!

Anonymous said...

PG - Great post!!! I tell ya, I'm votin' for you (or I would if I weren't a Brit).

Trust Jake to make voting SEXY!

Anonymous said...

That was fucking brilliant!

PG for President!

Anonymous said...

Yepp! This is definitely in my top five. In fact, it's number one. Thanks PG!

salailama said...

atk, you bring up a great point—can i vote for PG? what a brilliant post-- this has GOT to be on my top 5 list, now PG here is a smart, capable candidate i can actually get behind. i hate to complain, and i know voting is sexy and all, but all the election-time mud-slinging on tv and all around me has been wearing me down. it’s like choosing b/t dumb and dumber with my local candidates. i vote red shirt btw—it’s not the famous blue one, but jake’s always wearing blue (granted it looks great on him), and something about jake in red is so precious to me. it’s really this shirt and that one red polo he has.

Anonymous said...

You know, I was really hoping you guys would do a post like this, in honor of one of Jake's most worthy causes!

This post definitely belongs in the JakeWatch Hall of Fame.

If he only knew, Jake would be so proud.

Linna said...

OMG, THAT WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST POSTS EVER, IN THIS SITE AND ON ANY SITE IN THE WHOLE BLOGGING NATION!!!

I agree!! PG - you're true brilliance! Combining love for Jake with passion for democratic ideals - you rock!!

If he only knew, Jake would be so proud

Again, I can only agree...

Anonymous said...

Thanks for breaking the voting process down for us, PG.

**running out now to vote**

Becky Heineke said...

And to think, I didn't even plan this post. :) Personally, I consider myself to be politically aware, but I recognize that that's not a common trait for people in my age group. That's one of the things I've always admired about Jake, that he really, honestly, seems to care about what's going on in the country he lives in. That, and also that he readily equates voting with sex.

If you're eligible, VOTE DEMOCRAT!!!!!!!!!!

Here endeth my public service announcement.

Anonymous said...

I woke up too late to vote this morning, but I plan to after work. Please, everyone get out and vote if you haven't already!!

BTW PG: Greta post!1

mrs_dalloway said...

Hey,I want to vote like that,too!In my country the voting process is not that enterntaining,sexy,smart,ideal as you put it,PG!You should be made a PR for elections! Or,at least,they should put you in touch with another great american..Jake "Vote!" Gyllenhaal it's his name.

I'm sure you'd get along and resolve somehow the enviromental issues,any types of marriage and war problems,applying the "Make love,not war" principle.;)

Anonymous said...

Young American here, loving the post and off to the polls to vote Democrat all the way! (And I live in FL where the Prez's bro is finally on his way OUT! Hooray!).

Anonymous said...

After three days of glorious sunshine, it's raining buckets where I am in the midwest USA, but now that you have sufficiently motivated me, PG, and bcz I'll feel closer to Jake, I am putting on my special plastic windbonnet (gift from mum) and going forth!
Truthfully, I have been helping on a campaign to unseat a Rethuglican congressman and it looks like we may do it! So while it may be raining, it looks like blue skies from where I'm sitting! LOL!!!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely terrific post Prophecy Girl - what an entertaining and yes, very sexy way of explaining the U.S. election process to us non-Americans! Great pictures, too - LOVE Jake in the sheepskin coat from Moonlight Mile!

Anonymous said...

Your.Best.Post.EVER!!!

britpopbaby said...

We have stick men cartoons to encourage us to vote in the UK, you have Jake Gyllenhaal - it is not fair.

Anonymous said...

best post ever!

britpopbaby said...

ps -All JW agents should visit the'Lashes at Dave Cullen- JW inspired nonsense over there on the Oscars made it onto the daily newsheet - an honour. Oh and Ruby over there named them the Gyllen Globes!

JOYCE! Where? I can't see it. DC Forum layout confuses me no end!

Anonymous said...

No matter what party is in power, it's nice to have some consistency in our lives. Something that we can really count on.

Like Jake on the big screen, wearing shearling.

Anonymous said...

As a recent citizen and first time voter in the US, I really needed some explanation, prophecy girl, thanks, now it is all clear ;-)

Anonymous said...

As a recent citizen and first time voter in the US, I really needed some explanation, prophecy girl, thanks, now it is all clear ;-)

Anneka's Alias said...

PG, I bask in your Democratic glory. That was totally amazing, hilarious, informative and not at all heavy-handed. Apart from all the voting. I always vote, except for that time when I was mysteriously deleted from the voting register.

Why couldn't Mr Richard's have taught A-Level history with Gyllenhaal examples? Might have got higher than a frigging D in my Northern Ireland paper. Wolverine Jake could easily pass for Gerry Adams.

cina said...

I just have to add that the last picture of Jake in this post.... is heavenly. One of my favorites. I mean - that smile...! *thud*

And LOL Anneka! Wolverine Jake as Gerry Adams..! Bwahaha! True, though. ;-D

Sam said...

We dont have a choice to vote in my country (australia) But it defintatley wouldnt b a bad thing if Jake was here enouraging us!!! Great great post!!!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely brilliant post, PG! I particularly loved colour-coded Jack Twist. I'm not in the U.S. and am generally depressed by the choice the majority of Americans make at the polls, but this post made me feel optimistic! :)

veeveevee said...

Cina, I agree totally...that last picture of Jake is sheer beauty, just the right amount of facial hair, a teeeeeny glimpse of The Tongue, those baby blues, and if you know just where to look...a couple of those wonderful moles.

Sigh.

veeveevee said...

^^
P.S. With that in mind, I am off to do my Jake-civic duty and vote! ;-)

Becky Heineke said...

^^^ Election day drama begins!

Er, I am guilty of seriously overusing that picture of Jake in the Vote hat. I use it whenever I possibly can because it's just awesome on about 50 different levels. *sigh*

Nothing Really Matters said...

^^ PG you make me laugh!

veeveevee said...

I'm back from the polls - go Democrats!

PG, I agree with Simon, your Uncle Jake is brilliant - I sign up for ANYTHING he wanted!!

Becky Heineke said...

Even I have to admit my Uncle Sam/Jake is work of genius. :) I had it out, I just didn't know how to work it in. :( That and the Rock the Vote clip from 2004 were the only two things I left out. I think I got everything else in that was even remotely related...

Anonymous said...

Britpop, you've had some funny threads on here, but this one is the best yet! And great post, JoyceDavenport! :-)

Anonymous said...

BRILLIANT!!!! PG, you rock my vote! Just back from the polls -- voted a straight democratic ticket for the first time ever. I'll be watching results all night -- with Jake. I wish!

Anonymous said...

BRILLIANT!!!! PG, you rock my vote! Just back from the polls -- voted a straight democratic ticket for the first time ever. I'll be watching results all night -- with Jake. I wish!

JadziaDragonRider said...

I'm with Joyce.

Damn you give good post, child. You all do but damn if that was not amazingly clever and entertaining and educational to all the people of the world who visit this site and will soon need to learn the ropes as they will be fall under America's Imperial Rule (Mwahahahaha). ... Unless of course us USAers get the vote out and put the minions of this Regime out of office. Good going PG!

JadziaDragonRider said...

JD, I feel you on the weird sheep skin of BBM but it's also like an Elizabethan collar and when I realized that it made me giggle through my pain at being rejected right along with Jack. *sigh*

Anonymous said...

I'm Anon 12:57 - Sorry Prophecygirl - I called you Britpop! I meant to say PG, best post ever. :-)

Becky Heineke said...

^^^ Heh. Thanks anon! I was actually going to quote you and say something about how every time I do a post, someone gives brits credit. :D Hee!! I consider it flattery anyway.

Anonymous said...

Great post PG. The best explaination I have ever seen or heard of our voting process. Put this one in the top three at least.

My vote is officially cast for the Moonlight Mile Sheepskin Coat.

I am so partial to Jake in that, or any other red shirt. Are we voting on the shirt color issue also? Funny how once you go out and vote you just can't stop.

Wet For Went said...

Awesome post PG although I'm surprised I remembered to vote after all the scrumptious Jake-face. That was distracting to say the least. What was I talking about?

Anonymous said...

The Democrats picked up 15 seats in the house, YES!!!!! And even though I don't live in CT, the Lieberman win makes me ill, i despise that creep!

veeveevee said...

Simon, I feel your pain. We were able to get rid of one skeezy Republican senator here (hooooooraaaay!) but our Governor race is still 50/50...dang it.

And Lieberman especially pisses me off, because he's one of those weasels (like Norm Coleman) who switches parties because they have a better chance of winning that way.

Grrrrr.

JadziaDragonRider said...

The only thing that will be missed about Santorum is the endless fun that Dan Savage, sex advice columnist laureat has at his expense. But I'm sure the fucker will pop up again like a bad penny. Probably corrupting minds at a college or some other manner of public office.

Weirdland said...

This is no doubt a unabridged wonderful post, Pg, one of the best in Jake Watch saga, with political conscience and sexyness
merged in a beautiful inspiring shape. Let's vote with Jake!

Anonymous said...

I cannot believe the Dems are winning in Montana!!!! If Missouri and Virginia hold that's the whole enchilada!!!!!!!!!! This ought to make the VP who presides over the Senate really, really ill.
If only.

Anonymous said...

I knew Missouri would finally come thru. Don't forget. They voted for a dead Democrat rather than elect John Ashcroft.

Anonymous said...

remember the voting for the best post last week?

well, i changed my mind - this one is the best ever. brilliant. i just have no words - it's a work of genious.

i seriously think that some rock the vote organization should give you a medal for that. it's way more effective than that shit they're doing to make people vote.

and you can inflict american culture in that way on this unsuspecting non-american any time you wish:)

Anonymous said...

oh, and i vote blue shirt and bbm shipskin.

and cheerleader jake.

and democrats. if i were american.

Anonymous said...

god the last picture is so amazing i'm gonna put it on my desctop. the eyes, the smile... and the sexy voting. guh

Becky Heineke said...

OK, so Tennessee TOTALLY blew it, electing Bob Corker (WTF?) and by an over 80% margin, voting to keep marriage a union between a man and woman (again, WTF?) BUT! Dems SWEPT the house, picking up over 30 seats, 28 of 50 US governors are now Democrats and the Senate (even without my dear Harold Ford, Jr.) might still go to the Democrats, too (it's too close to call right now). So despite local disappointments, at least the majority has FINALLY clued into the fact that we're in desperate need of change. I'm feeling good this morning. :)

Becky Heineke said...

Oh good God, Simon...OPTIMISM!!! Negative thinking is what got us into the position we are today. Everything you listed was the result of the Republican-dominated government of the past 6 years. This is an opportunity for a new perspective. You can't take it for anything more or less...it's an opportunity. Embrace it.

Back to Jake...JOYCE! I read the Daily Sheet and that's awesome!! I was cracking up over your menu. We should totally do a post around that...

Jess said...

Dudes, I haven't been here for AGES! And coming back, what do I get the pleasure to read?!

The most brilliant post EVER!!!

BRILLIANT, PG, you hear me?! :)

xxx

Anonymous said...

I think what Simon means is that Democrats should just have swept the Senate not having to cross their fingers for it. Am I right? How do the the Republicans still manage to get so many votes?

Anonymous said...

I'm happy the Dems won. But I really wonder what we've won. Bcz as Simon very rightly points out, this should have been a no brainer and yet it was a bloody, tough fight. And one thing people should keep in mind. Many of the Democrats who won yeaterday are conservative Democrats. People's expectations will be very high now and I'm sure the opposition isn't going to give an inch with out a fight. I think we have tough times ahead...but I am hopeful, too. And truly feeling that at least we can stop some things and start somethings.
Personally, I'm hoping now they'll allow cloning so we can make some Jake!

Becky Heineke said...

^^^ OH! Sorry for that misinterpreation. I was, like, damn, that's the most depressing outlook I've ever seen. I should have known. :D

Hey, Phoebe!!! We've missed you! :)

I need to stop posting.

Becky Heineke said...

That ^^^ was for Simon but well said, anon.

Again, I need to stop posting...

DKBB said...

Awesome, PG, just awesome! It does my middle-aged heart good to see you (and Jake) put forth such a positive and timely message. And vote I did, as did my first-time-voter 18-year-old son. :)

If you don't vote, you can't bitch.
~DKBB~

Anonymous said...

Rumsfeld resigns!!! Somebody pinch me!!

Jess said...

Thank you PG!! :)

Anonymous said...

i so envy you americans that you at least can have some hope for the future. perhaps i'm going to move to the us...

on a more positive note - the last picture of jake in the post makes me weak in the knees. awesome. sigh

Anonymous said...

All pictures of Jake leave me weak in the knees! And the possibility of CLONING him leaves me absolutely catatonic!

Anonymous said...

Democrats might and will have a tough time ahead for sure. The next US president might have the toughest mandate in US history, repairing so m uch damaged was done by Bush, indeed. But at least one has to gain the power back first! In a way I feel it might be easier considering how many people are still on the repubblican side that the democrats elected are conservative, just take it one step at a time...

Maybe that last pic of Jake did have an effect on (Democratic) voters turnout :-) ...

Anonymous said...

Rumsfeld resigns and Britney divorces K-Fed???? Wow, that's a day in history!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see someone tie Rumsfeld to a chair and make him watch a live personal "concert" by K-Fed! It would be right up there with waterboarding!

veeveevee said...

^^Not for a minute, Simon!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post PG, definitely one for the JW Hall of Fame.

Good to see the Republicans getting their asses kicked !!Dare I say it, "It Was "The Sex" Wot Won It" ;)

Anonymous said...

I call Rumsfeld's leave-taking a good start. I don't think for a minute he acted without the consent of Bush/Cheney.

Bobbie said...

Brilliant post, PG! With the democrats taking both houses, Rumsfeld resigning, my girl Claire McCaskill winning the race for the senate in Missouri, and that picture of Jake in the "Vote" hat this is truly a beautiful day!
Oh, and Britney divorcing Kevin. That probably excited me more that it should have.

Anonymous said...

I voted - and I felt MUY SEXY doing so...plus my WHOLE state went DEMOCRAT! SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET

When the pendulum swings hard one way its only bound to swing hard the other - hopefully we'll eventually get back to a true bi-partisanship but I can wait 2 more years for Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama baby!

Anonymous said...

Jack Twist in that blue shirt sure makes me glad I'm a Democrat! *sigh* Well done Democrats! Some very dangerous people are no longer in office - Richard Pombo of CA, Rick Santorum of PA, Tom DeLay resigned in scandal previously, and Gov. Murkowski of Alaska didn't win the primaries. The environment, ANWR, a woman's right to choose, and the right to marry whom you choose are protected for now.

veeveevee said...

I am so thrilled for the switch in the national House and Senate (and very much look forward to 2008 - Barack anyone?), but am bummed that MN's republican gov retained the spot by only 20,000 votes. We did at least turn our house and senate democrat, though, and dumped the Bush "Yes Man" republican senator! Hooray!

Anonymous said...

The house and now the senate! Finally our long nightmare may be over, hoepfully!!

beskyddaren said...

A Brilliant post, PG!!!

Anonymous said...

Reading posts on this and other Jake sites makes me wonder: why are his fans overwhelmingly liberals of one kind or another? Sure, he's a big ol' lefty himself, but does that really play that big a role in who you get a crush on?

Maybe there is something about Jake himself that makes us Dems swoon?

Anonymous said...

liberals just have better taste all over. jake makes us hot. bush (or arnold) does it for them

Anonymous said...

The queen is pleased that Jim "No-Talent-At-All" lost in the recent election and the Stem Cell Amendment won, because she lives in an area of Missouri (which many of us pronounce as "misery", and with good reason), where red neck hoosiers post huge hand-made signs in their yards denouncing stem cell research "because poor women will be seduced into selling their eggs for cloning", and denouncing gay rights "because homosexuality is a threat to the American Family"! The queen is unfazed by their narrow-minded stupidity however, and plans to throw most of the people in the damn state into the dungeon and take over. . .

Anonymous said...

Also, if I look at that photo from BBM of Heath hugging Jake much longer I think I'm going to melt into some kind of liquid. . .there will be nothing left but the crown. . .still looking . . .drip, drip, drip. . .

Usually I CAN'T STAND cowboy hats (because I come from the Midwest where EVERYONE wears them including babies, grocery store checkers, and 97-year-old-blue-haired-ladies-with-22-cats) but, DAMN! Jake even makes cowboy hats look sexy!!

Anonymous said...

this is probably the funniest, most creative and best thread i have seen in a while! hands-down!

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