Agents, I've just been over the report from our latest assignment and although it went relatively well there are a few points I'd like to go over. Can I please refer you to the diagram below:
As you can all see, Jake has managed to flee the scene looking dazed and confused but generally unharmed, with his yet to be identified purchase that may or may not be Sprinkles cupcakes, wholly in tact. The jeans, as usual, are hot.
So far so good, but now may I steer you in the direction of the figure marked (A.). On initially sight, I'm way impressed - going undercover as an orderly? NICE. Nobody expects a hospital worker, 'cept maybe Lieutenant Dan (Ex. 1). On closer inspection though agent, you've totally given yourself away. Your lack of training has resulted in the common, 'Oh my freakin' god, it's Jake freakin' Gyllenhaal'-face. There was obviously some admin oversight in sending you out into the field so soon. I apologise and will make sure Terence (Senior Office Manager - Ex. 2) doesn't make this error again.
Now for Figure (B.). Peter Sarsgaard is that you? Homeless people, as we have learnt in the past, make for pretty interesting paparazzi pictures and also serve as a great distraction for agents in action but this guy? Not homeless looking enough. Jake doesn't even care. If we are going to continue with our 'Plant-a-Tramp' initiative we're going to have to do better than this - may I suggest, for starters, dirtier sneakers?
My last point is just a general request. Since I moved Eugene out of fieldwork and on to the switchboard because his sciatica was playing up we've had no-one to go round and check all the public phones in the world are working. As we all know, all phones should be connected to the JakeWatch Network Advisory Kinetic Emergency Directory (or Jake-NAKED for short). If Jake or an agent is ever in trouble they can dial 5253-92824 and be put straight through to the emergency response team. So can someone please check that phone for connectivity? Thanks.
That's all agents. Keep up the sterling work because remember, someone has to keep a damn eye on him.