britpopbaby enters the lounge, with a bottle of Gordon's concealed in her handbag, to find Jake sat on the very edge of a chaise longe and banging a teaspoon nervously on the coffee table.
First off Jake, I’d like to thank you for taking time out of your busy latte-drinking and bench-sitting schedule to join us here today for this exclusive The Daily Jake Watch interview. We really appreciate it.
Frankly you don't say no. I'm going to do anything I can for you. I'll throw up in the sand for you.
Well, we’d just like a bit of your time for a quick Q & A. No need for vomit.
(Jake wrings his hands and bounces up and down a little bit)
Great. An Oscar nominated performance, a Bafta win, two MTV movie awards and a puggle. It must be pretty great being Jake Gyllenhaal right now.
Who is Jake Gyllenhaal? Get me Jake Gyllenhaal! Get me someone who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal…who is Jake Gyllenhaal?
(britpopbaby opens her Gordon’s and takes a large swig)
Are you okay?
Do I have cow eyes?
Do I have sad eyes?
Can we talk a little about your career? Brokeback Mountain has become a phenomenon. How much of that success was down to you, do you think?
Yeah, I mean, I think indirectly I had absolutely nothing to do with that.
(Jake stares off into distance)
But do you think the experience of that movie has changed you somewhat?
Brokeback got us good, don't it?
I guess. What about working with Ang Lee? That must have been an honour.
I didn't understand what he was talking about.
What about hobbies?
I made a new friend today.
(britpopbaby swigs more gin)
Real or imaginary?
You enjoy cooking don’t you? I heard it was a passion of yours. Where’s your favourite place to eat here in London?
If, for some reason, you wanna be with me heart and soul, I'll be waiting for you at 5pm outside Chucky Cheese.
Okay. What about when you’re not cooking?
We live in a sad time where actors are politicians and go out in the mall wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos.
So you have an interest in politics then? Considered running for office in the future?
Well actually my mother's side are all scuba divers.
(Jake strokes leaves of nearby pot plant)
But you’re passionate about certain causes, aren’t you? Like voting?
Whether you're wearing a Santa cap over your dick or whether you're making love to Heath Ledger, voting is sexy.
I’m going to bring this down a level. Coca Cola or Pepsi?
I've never been asked a question like that before.
Do you like to watch TV?
There's inevitably a lot of talk about things like that
A fan of American Idol perhaps?
Clearly, it's pretty challenging material but obviously, it means a hundred million things to other people.
(britpopbaby attempts to flag down waitress to order a magarita. Jake pulls at tassles on a cushion)
There is a lot of interest in your love life at present. I imagine that’s pretty annoying for you so I may irritate you some more by asking about Kirsten Dunst?
She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her.
And what about the Austin rumours?
It was great. The people there are wonderful. Everyone there was just great to us and it's such a beautiful place.
In a relationship at the moment?
Right now I'm playing by myself.
Finally, do you think it’s political correctness gone mad that you now have to call gingerbread ‘men’ gingerbread ‘people’?
It’s always about the process of figuring things out, and trying something new, and having another take on something and keeping it alive.
I would really like people to know how I do like to take my clothes off.
I have to go now.
It was a freaky, awesome ride.
You’re a bit odd.
I was confused at times.
When you fall asleep tonight, I'm gonna fart in your face.
(Jake keels over and falls off couch. britpopbaby staggers to the door.)