Now look, stalkers, with all the trouble Louella caused yesterday we took our eye off the ball for a moment and see what happened! People were touching Jake and not people we have officially approved (Pops, Naomi, Maggie, Sarsy, Heath, britpopbaby). Seems everybody is in love with the Gyllenhaal and whilst I commend Jake for attracting such adoration the fondling must stop! Please see the evidence below (you may need to shield your eyes from some pictures):
Pics removed. Soz.Perpetrator Number One: Kate "Remember when I used to be English?" Beckinsale. How did she even get in the building? Perpetrator Number Two: Eva "Earlobes" Mendes. I'm not comfortable with the amount of loving that went on in these seconds. I'm just going to repeat over and over to myself that they're old friends and are not sexually attracted to each other in any way. Perpetrator Number Three: Adam "Da Waterboy" Sandler. I'm letting this pass this time, Sandler, but if I see such firm man-hugging again from you, it'd better be the longest yard away from Jake. Perpetrator Number Four: Kevin "No Way Near As Sexy As Michael Rosenbaum" Spacey. I went off you when you chortled along with Tony Blair's jokes on Parkison and you're doing yourself no favours here if you're trying to get back into my good books. Perpetrator Number Five: Justin "Just No" Timberlake. Who decided the Timberman was an attractive human being and where was I when this decision was being made because I would have voted against the motion. Don't pass your Britney germs onto Jake, please.