Sunday, May 21, 2006


Now I know I can't go back in time and erase the mistakes of the past. Few of us can. But maybe here, we can right a few wrongs for the sake of our own sanities. There are so many films I've watched recently where I've thought, "This would have been a million times better if old Jacob had been on board,". So, which film would have benefitted most from the magic touch of the Gyllenhaal?

Crap book. Crap film. Yeah, you should look worried, Paul Bettany. I always thought Tom Hanks was a little too old to play Langdon. Could Jake have saved it?

I never saw it because Peter Jackson has taken away enough hours of my life, he wasn't getting another three. I heard it was okay but it didn't make an impact at the Oscars like everyone reckoned it would. Did it need some Jake?

I really want Jennifer Aniston to have a successful movie career because she is normal and nice and pretty and sweet. In The Good Girl she really proved what an incredible actress she is but she hasn't had much luck since. I'm not sure which role Jake would play in this film but lets just pretend they rewrote the whole movie so he could have sex with Jen again.

When shall we be saved from the Johnny Depp doppleganger that is Orlando Bloom? I know he's smokin' but the dude can. not. act. Add a squealing Dunster to the mix and britpopbaby is not a happy bunny. Would Jake have stopped the flop or would the vision of him and Kiki available to all on celliod have made us reach for the bucket?



(I was going to superimpose Jake into all these pictures but then I got really hungry and had to go and eat Tomato Soup.)


Anonymous said...

All I have to say is - what film wouldn't benefit from the magic touch of the Gyllenhaal?

Anonymous said...

Non of these are "quality assured by the Gylly family", that's enough for me. Haven't seen any of them and I won't see any of them :o)

Anonymous said...

I've seen them all except for "Rumour has it" and "The Da Vinci Code". I am not going to see "Rumour has it", but I AM going to see "The Da Vinci Code" since I absolutely LOVED the book. I read it before all the hype came to Sweden so I basically knew nothing about it and it blew me away. Controversial, yes. But damn good entertainment imho.

Anonymous said...

Naaa... sorry but IMO the DVC book is crap.. And I really tried hard to read it..couldn't do it. Now where is beskyddaren? Up late yesterday celebrating the monsters' win? ;)

Ninni said...

The idea of The Da Vinci Code is relatively good (though not that controversial really) - but then again, it's stolen.
The problem was the poor quality of writing. The "interesting facts" were clumsily integrated, the style was far from elegant and structure wasn't that good either. But that's just my opinion.

Anyhow, King Kong would've been tolerable with Jake and a ruthless editor, so I'll vote for that. As long as Jake doesn't get edited.

Now where is beskyddaren? Up late yesterday celebrating the monsters' win? ;)

Don't know about beskyddaren, but I at least had a VERY long night because my neighbours decided to sing along to that "Hard Rock Hallelujah something something"-song all night long (stopped around 4 am). And I actually thought nobody watches that contest anymore...oh, well. It's a cute song though.

Anonymous said...

No way would Jake have anything to do with 'House of Wax'. Our Jake isn't allowed within a bulls roar of that Paris Hilton person.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, but Jake is just too good for all of these movies.

I wonder what kinds of scripts he's looking over now ... what kinds of offers is he getting?

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna go for a wildcard entry and say "Something New" I would have paid twice the ticket price to see Jakey snog the hell out of Sanaa Lathan. Yum yum and yum. That Simon Whatsawhosits was okay but Jakey would have really MADE that movie.

Anonymous said...

Jacob Benjamin Gyllenhaal in those BAD, BAD, BAD movies? No way !

Anonymous said...

Lol, I love you, BPB... I would send you cookies but I manage to mistreat my microwave when I decide to linger in the kitchen, so I'm just going to have to page Jake. What type of cookies are your favourite? ;o)

I was quite out of it when I saw The Da Vinci Code, and I was constantly telling myself to snap out of pondering which mise-en-scene would be more flattering to Jake's eyes and skin tone. Eventually I realised that it was the only way I would be able to stay awake for the duration of the movie (and simulate lively discussion with my anti-intellectual mother afterwards), so I gave in. ;oD

Maybe it was just Susan Sarandon, but Moonlight Mile reminded me of Elizabethtown a lot.

I'd seriously pay to see Jake examine his fingernails for any length of time.

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen any of these movies. I want to see DaVinci Code...I did enjoy the book...but since I haven't seen it yet I won't vote for that. I definitely wouldn't vote for a Kirsten movie. Seeing them together? Yeah. Bucket. I think something with Jennifer Aniston. I like her.

Becky Heineke said...

Nothing could have saved Elizabethtown. That was the first movie I saw with the Dunst where I thought, good God, I cannot support this girl. But if Jake had been in House of Wax, you just KNOW it would have been awesome. :) Jake as Langdon? Would be enough to make me go see the movie. Yum.

Anonymous said...

I'd cast Jake in King Kong, but none of the roles was really suitable, meaning, none of the characters had his/her clothes ripped off enough. That's the prime requirement for a Jake role, isn't it? Maybe he could play the Watts part, but we'd have to rename it Queen Kong, and make ole Queeny apeshit over Jakey. Not such a stretch really. We'd also have to give Peter J. a new Assistant Director (me) for Wardrobe (or lack thereof).

Anonymous said...

all of these movies suck

britpopbaby said...

^That's the point. Could Jake have saved them?

Anonymous said...

I have found interview with amazing and shy Richard Kelly in Cannes:

teri said...

Mmmmmmmmm... tomato soup!!! My all time favorite. Especially when you add a grilled cheese sandwich!!! Carbo-comfort food at it's best.

NO!NO!NO! to House of Wax. Can you imagine our beloved Jake within 100 miles of Paris Hilton? I don't think even HIS charm could repel the skank that emanates from Paris Hilton. That girl is R.A.N.K.

Miffed67 said...

I AM going to see "The Da Vinci Code" since I absolutely LOVED the book.

I liked the book too, so will probably see the movie, but imo, Dan Brown's writing style SUCKS. The story was awesome, tho.

I was quite out of it when I saw The Da Vinci Code, and I was constantly telling myself to snap out of pondering which mise-en-scene would be more flattering to Jake's eyes and skin tone.

LMAO, I thought I was the only one that pondered these things! It's hard to decide when he looks good in ANYTHING. Or nothing. Hell, I'd pay good money to see him on the all black of the "Inside the Actor's Studio" stage. With him dressed in black!

I DO think he would shine in the right Cameron Crowe film

Wow, you said it, he'd be PERFECT in a CC film! Are you listening Cameron?

I liked Elizabethtown, I thought it was charming, if a little too long and a little overdone. Interesting side note - I was recently in Memphis (drive thru, but I stopped to visit the National Civil Rights Museum which was VERY interesting, go see it if you're ever in town) and saw the actual Ernestine and Hazel's that was in Elizabethtown! I went, "squeeeee" and my mom thought I was having a stroke or something.....ANYway! All of this is by way of saying I vote for E-town, even tho I'd have had to watch Jake and the dunce...I mean, DUNST together.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad Richard Kelly made it to Cannes. :-)

Paul Bettany redeems anything he is in, otherwise I agree with the sucking tendency in these reviews.

Anonymous said...

"where is beskyddaren? Up late yesterday celebrating the monsters' win? ;)"

Arghh... Katie you know I can't stand that ***t!! ; ) Hella gay that Eurovision Song Contest was, Finns winning.

OT: watched Donnie Darko yesterday and was floored by the 80's brit pop soundtrack. Jake was good too ; )

TV Baby said...

Prophecy Girl and jla you took the words right out of my mouth about Elizabethtown. My buddy nicknamed the movie Wimbledon (oddly enough with Paul Bettany and Kiki Cunst) "Kirsten Dunst's Magic Vagina" since she singlehandedly turned around Bettany's tennis career by screwing him. We called Elizabethtown KDMV:2 but while her fishy cooch may have saved Orlando, it sure didn't do anything for that movie. On my top 10 worst movies of all time list!!