Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Jake To Star In "October Sky 2: Homer Colonizes the Moon"

Jake, my friend, I can't help but wonder just what the hell you are doing. According to Variety, you are set to star in a film in which, "Actioner (sic) revolves around a private expedition to the moon and the race for lunar colonization." Seriously. Who edits Variety?

The article then proceeds through a confusing list of other people who have been, are, and/or will be associated with this movie, but only those in a behind-the-scenes capacity (which is worthless for speculating on your possible on-set hookups). That this film has been "fast-tracked" is incongruously reported one sentence before it is announced that you're doing another film first. Again, who edits Variety? And Jake, why am I reading about you being in a movie in a magazine that can't even work up a good announcement about you being in a movie?

But more importantly, why am I reading about this at all? Dude! Perhaps the sands of time have dulled your memory, but there is a perfectly good script waiting for you on some LiveJournal! And what about your album? Priorities, pal! Do you think it's easy to schedule studio time with Timbaland? How about the time that I, personally, have spent with Kanye West, writing lyrics for you:

"The Civil War, yeeah, yeeah. 1861, bitches! To 1865!

Yeah, Lincoln was the pimp, he was a crunk-ass fool,

He thought the South was op'rating by some effed-up rules.

In the blue was the U to the N-I-O-N,
'Four score,' Abe shouted, bitches knew they's gonna win

Against the grey, CSA, the Confederate Staters,

Packed some muzzle-loadin' muskets and put a cap in them haters."

And so on. That has "Grammy" written all over it! OK, I'll admit it. Kayne wrote most of that.

And what about the campaign, Jake? It's all me and brits right now beating down the Presidential trail...and only one of us can vote in the United States. Some people are (dare I say it) starting to think we're making this up. And by "this" I mean, like, all of these outside projects (thank God the French believe!). You're killing us here. By "taking on" these "movie roles," you're make us look like liars. Basically, Jake Watch can't afford for you to keep up this illusion that you're a movie star.

So the movie is out...but colonizing the moon is in. That's your next project. We'll put it on the back burner for now, but if anyone can do it, brits and I can, and then we'll give you credit for it. And be thankful we got you out of that film because dude. We're hoping that the poorly-written Variety article just did a craptastic job of explaining the plot...or else we might be forced to make fun of it. Just a little. Although you would no doubt pull it off effortlessly like you always do. As usual, it is your circumstances, and not you, that we find humor in.

Note to Readers: As with any Jake movie rumor, this rumor has a probability of being between 40% and 75% false, with a margin of error plus or minus 35%. As with any Jake Watch news, anything non-movie related in this entry is 100% true. Always.

Pic from Moon Colonizers of North America.


BirdGirl said...

PG you got mad skills.

Anonymous said...

I just about peed on my pants with that French article, it's way too funny. This is like gold, my God, too much. My favorite part "Jake reprendait de très vieilles chansons américaines, plus étonnant encore, elle seraient remises au goût du jour par Timbaland, entre autres!!". Funny as hell!

Xenia said...

Yeah Jake, if you wanna do an action movie do TDATND then!!:)

Charlene G said...

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record but...Jesus. I devoutly wish Jake would read this blog! I do think he, just like all of us JW'ers, would find it hilarious, insightful, and brilliant, all the things that attracted me to this site in the first place.

Wonderfully funny post, PG!

Cherita said...

What would I do without JW for some much-needed comic relief? Those lyrics are begging to be recorded. Any chance they've been forwarded directly to some of the lucky mofos interviewing Jake this/next week? I am not familiar with Jonathan Ross, but Ellen seems game, and maybe Conan and Jon Stewart, as well. What an image: the host first reads the lyrics to Jake, then gets someone to perform them, while Jake spazzes out laughing in his seat and tries hard not to pee himself on television.

Xenia said...

LMAO Cherita!!
I SO hope that this will happen! :D

Anonymous said...

cherita, there's a fair chance Jonathan Ross might well run with it. He had Jamie Foxx on the other week, the sight of him and JR singing YMCA, complete with actions, will live long in the memory. ;)

heddaparsons said...

LMAO!!! I needed this post today PG, friggin crew from the Movie Sex and the City has taken over our building and will be filming all week, I should have taken vacation this week. Hated the show and despise Sarah Jessica Parker.

I really hope Ross, Conan and Stewart will bring up the album and or the campaign!!

Not surprised to see two films lined up for Jake with the writers strike looming.

Becky Heineke said...

^^^ I forgot about the strike! And the Sex in the City movie. I thought that would never happen...but lo and behold.

I already sent Jonathan my second e-mail and said I wouldn't write again, so the lyrics would have to come from someone else! :) They're filming tomorrow, right?

britpopbaby said...

I forgot it filmed on Thursdays! Thats it, I'm going to write again and name drop - telling them I once met 'Four Puffs and A Piano'.

Anonymous said...

Jake signed up for these films just in the nick of time!

Hiring freeze begins for Hollywood writers

Published: Oct. 10, 2007 at 11:26 AM
Print story Email to a friend Font size:LOS ANGELES, Oct. 10 (UPI) -- Hollywood studios have begun a hiring freeze on screenwriters in anticipation of a possible Writers Guild Association strike next month.

Executives at Warner Bros., Universal, Fox, Paramount and DreamWorks have said they're not interested in making deals with screenwriters until the WGA reaches some kind of agreement, Variety.com reported Wednesday.

The guild's contract is to expire Oct. 31.

Tuesday's talks between negotiators for the WGA and the Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers yielded no progress, Variety.com said.

"The WGA presented an untenable proposal to double the home-video residual using specious numbers, a revisionist view of the bargaining history and a complete disregard for the costs and deficits that producers must bear," said AMPTP President Nick Counter. "When challenged on the questionable figures, WGA West Executive Director David Young said he would get back to us to break down how they arrived at these conclusions."

However, WGA negotiating committee chief John Bowman noted: "Under the current DVD formula, a writer receives 4 cents for every $15 DVD sold. Our reasonable proposal is to increase our share to 8 cents per DVD. This is far less than the cost of the box the DVD comes in."


Anonymous said...

I read that this weeks Jonathan Ross is going to be recorded on Friday Morning (because of Jake).

Anonymous said...

I never thought I'd say it, but I love the French!

Anonymous said...

Pee Gee ... this is JUST what I needed post-crappy day at work today and pre-getting to see Rob and Paul of matchbox twenty tomorrow ! WHOOT ! Thank you as always for bringing a smile to my pudgy face ...

Who loves ya baby ? I shall give Rob a tushie squeeze for you if I get close enough :)

Becky Heineke said...

^^^ Oh you know it! Give his tongue a "hello" from mine, too, while you're at it, will you? ;D I'm SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!! Can't wait to hear ALL about it. ;)

Anonymous said...

His Jonathan Ross appearence is just 24 hours away!

He will also be appearing on The Culture Show in the UK on 10/27.

I see that the premiere of Rendition was held last night in L.A., boy they sure kept that quiet.

I love how Gavin Hood poses in between Jake and Reese at the after party pics, keep the focus on the film, LOL!

Anonymous said...

While I think on it, Renditions being reviewed on Film 2007 by Jonathan on 16th October 2007, so there's a chance of another interview with JR.

Soooooo excited about tomorrow night!

Becky Heineke said...

I see that the premiere of Rendition was held last night in L.A., boy they sure kept that quiet.

No shit! Do they not hold public premieres anymore? Or just none for Jake movies? :)

Anonymous said...

I read somewhere that there was talk of another Fincher picture. Some grisly "Seven" type movie called "Torso." Seriously. And Fincher wants Jake for it. This has all kinds of possibilities. Fincher wanting Jake for Torso. Maybe it was that he wants Jake's torso. Or a torso like Jake's.
And maybe it wasn't a grisly movie. Maybe it was a romantic comedy. Fincher said in INTERVIEW that he wanted to do comedy. Romantic comdey. And with Jake's torso, he could SO do that. Maybe the Writer's strike will give them time to flesh out this idea.

Anonymous said...

I sent my last e-mail to Ross and I included just about everything I could (lyrics, album cover, list of possible songs and Jake '08 pics). I hope we get some results. Too bad about the premiere, would have loved to be there.

coffeecat said...

For those of us who can't read French, here's an accurate translation from BabelFish:

It is an undeniable fashion in this moment, our friends the actors want all to push the ditty! Lately, Jesse Metcalfe stated to work hard to leave its album, more recently one learned than Hayden Pannetière exit of the Heroes series wishes to sing and today we have just learned that Jake Gyllenhaal would leave an album! Total surprise!

This is true, we do not have a confirmation yet, but some infos circulate already on the Net, for example, above, here the possible small pocket of Cd Rajoutons that aprés Jake rumours would take again very old American songs, more astonishing still, it would be given to the style of the day by Timbaland, inter alia!! (Ca does not go with the small pocket)...

In short, one will see well! Attention, all that you have just read is to be taken with the conditional one! Update: How it was foreseeable, it acts well of a joke made by the webmsater of a site on Jake! What a hoax!

coffeecat said...

bobbyanna I loved your post about the next Fincher movie and I like so totally agree with you about the torso part, or the part about the torso.