Huzzah! Jake has arrived in London; city of cities and questionable Olympic infrastructure spenditure. And thank god he did arrive as it's kind of essential to tonight's post. Nice to see him still using public transport as opposed to propelling himself across the Atlantic on the gusts of his own ego and a flock of underprivileged children as I hear Brangelina like to do.
Pictured above is Jake arriving at Thiefrow (I wonder whose luggage he came away with?). Also pictured is his date that he took to the LA Rendition premiere. I mean, I'm not one for gossip but surely international travel and a red carpet renedvouz in the same week leaves little room for speculation, no?
Well, it's now just two hours until Jake airs himself on BBC1. The other guests include Peter Andre & Jordan who are famous for being orange and tacky, and Jools Holland who was kind of cool in the 80s. And I apologise in advance, as Ambassador of Anglo-Gyllenhaal Relations, for everything Jonathan Ross says. Excited?
22.33: Fiona Bruce informs me I can now watch Newsnight over on BBC2. I'm good, thanks.
22.37: Roll credits. I will warn you, Jonathan Ross's studio looks like a crack den for autistic children.
22.38: YES!!!! The Poofs have Jake on their t-shirts!
22.40: Green room. Jake is in there, thank god. Ross makes first Brokeback Mountain jibe. Ass. Jake doesn't really find it that funny. Fortunately we all quickly move on...unfortunately to Jordan and Peter Andre.
22.46: Jake enters, stage left. The Poofs sing Jake the Peg. Inappropiate somehow.
22.47: As soon as Jake sits down Jonathan compliments him on his "manly beard."
22.48: Jonathan asks Jake about his carbon footprint and how being an international jetsetter might impact quite heavily on that. Jake says, "I swam here." Then says he has to go because he needs to swim back.
22.49: Jake adds, "I would swim the Atlantic for the enviroment." I somehow don't believe him.
22.50: Jake says he likes The Poofs t-shirts. Which have his face on them.
22.51: Talks moves on to Brokeback Mountain and Jake says he thinks Jonathan might be gay. Then we are treated to the golden nugget of info that Clint Eastwood has never told Jake what he thinks of Brokeback Mountain.
22.52: Jake is now miming swimming the Atlantic whilst laughing.
22.53: Clip of CITY SLICKERS! Yeah, bitches!
22.53: Quick discussion about whether City Slickers could be considered child abuse.
22.54: Jake states that shoulder popping is erotic.
22.55: We move onto some serious talk about Rendition before Jake randomly asks of Jonathon, "Weren't you offered Meryl Streep's part?"
22.56: Clip of Rendition is shown and as we cut back I swear I hear Jake tell Jonathan he's disappointed that his suit wasn't more colourful.
22.57: Jake says he found food in Marakesh "intense" before going on to say it was mostly rice and cous cous. Jonathan then asks about airplane food and Jake says he wouldn't know because he swims everywhere.
22.58: Jonathan calls Maggie a "hot patootie". Jake is confused.
22. 59: Jonathan asks Jake about his love life on behalf of the ladies and the band. Jake says he's single for the ladies but not for the band. They look a little put out.
23.00: Jake leaves. No mention of Presidential campaign. Fuck you, Ross.
23.15: Jake looks bemusedly at Jordan and Peter Andre as they walk past him in the Green Room.
23.19: I hope Jake brought a pack of cards with him so he doesn't have to watch these four tits.
23.20: (Retraction) Jake just laughed at Jordan's joke. I'm sorry, I now have to jump out a window.
23.22: Jake eagerly offers to be a witness to the fact that Peter Andre just offered Jonathan a "go on his wife." Did you think it would be the BBC that brought out the lewd in sweet, sweet Jake?
23.23: Jake laughs heartily at Jordan's statement that she'd "finish [Jonathan] off quickly." Oh god, WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
23.30: Jake is shocked by Jordan trash-talking Posh S[ice. Obviously a big fan.
23.32: Jake is entertained by Jonathan's talk of a "family wank".
23.35: It's all over. I feel dirty. I hope Jake does too. At least he has that swim home to cleanse himself.