Just a quick note to keep you updated on your campaign for Presidential victory. Maybe if you'd give us your email, we wouldn't have to keep doing this in a public arena, but whatevs. Now, the two scandals from last week rocked the boat slightly. First off, Iowa is pissed and Idaho is confused. Secondly, the white witches are digging you BIG time whilst the Evangelicals are burning effigies - we didn't think this would present much of a problem but it turns out there are more Evangelics than white witches and they have like, their own TV network. So, to detract from your "envitable plummeting journey to the Underworld due to your commendation of witchcraft", we thought we might wheel out the big guns - that's right. POLICY. Apparently voters want to hear about what you plan to do when you get elected. Like 'be hot' isn't enough for these people.
So, we've been working on a few ideas, y'know, the usual - global warming, Iraq War, Paris Hilton - when we thought, wait! This is Jake Gyllenhaal's election mandate and what says 'Jake Gyllenhaal' more than STRAIGHT OUTTA LEFT FIELD. So, we present to you now, a proposed policy we concocted in preperation for the July 4th celebrations:
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears:
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two people to dissolve the creative restrictions which have bound them to lesser websites and to assume the powers of the internet, the unified international achievements to which the Laws of Blogger entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of Jake Gyllenhaal fans requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to reverse the separation as set forth by our forefathers on
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all men are created equal, that some are endowed by their Creator with certain unattainable hotness, that among these greater men are Jake Gyllenhaal and Jake Gyllenhaal alone. — That to secure his station as object of our affection, websites are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the people who read them…[legal crap]...as to them shall seem most likely to effect their online enjoyment of Jake’s sexy body and stellar acting career.
We, therefore, the Representatives of Jake Gyllenhaal, assembled under the power of the Google web search, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world (i.e. Jake) for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of the good People of Jake Watch, solemnly publish and declare, that the united Colonies of America will reinstate Allegiance to the British Crown under the Rule and Guidance of britpopbaby (of the Crown) and Prophecy Girl (of the Colonies) so that heretofore the two nations, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal (except for Jake), shall join as one to share duties on the site known as Jake Watch.
That this blog, under Jake, shall have a new birth of freedom, and Jake Watch, as a unifier of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
A-fucking-men.Sources: The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Gettysburg Address, Mark Antony's speech from Julius Caesar, and my ass.
What? Not gonna fly? C'mon! British people are hot right now, look at Kirsten Dunst's boyfriend! Oh...sorry. And you LOVE British people, look: