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IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF ANNEKA'S MOVIE REVIEW!
Welcome to Anneka’s Picture House. Please refrain from smoking. And breathing.
Wow, bet you’re all glad to see the end of October Sky. Talk about the house guest that wouldn’t leave! So I’ve got a little surprise for you all. YES! It’s the movie where Jake wears a cowboy hat and does mindbending things with his limbs! Yes, the movie you’ve all been waiting for - City Slickers!
The movie starts unexpectedly in Spain, where they pronounce Jake with a silent J. The people are chanting “Toro! Toro! Toro!” so I am disappointed when bulls run out instead of the Rancho Carne Toros led by Kirsten Dunst. In the middle of the Spaniards, Billy Crystal, Marv from Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York and some elusive guy who was not in either of those movies are running away from bulls. Oh, I know who it is – it’s the guy from When Harry Met Sally who gets it on with Carrie Fisher and buys a hideous wagon wheel coffee table. Man, I could run my own film trivia based website. I’ll call it…something catchy I’ll think up later. This formerly elusive guy shall hence be called Sally. There are stunts, the final of which involves Billy Crystal getting a horn in his ass. Not a euphemism. Cue amusing cartoon credits. Best name so far goes to co-writer Babaloo Mandel.
Billy is having his rear examined by a Spanish Doctor – el Doctor. Marv captures the moment with a camera swiped from Macaulay Culkin’s house. Billy moans that this is Sally’s fault and that he and Marv are sheep for following him. Hang on, is this BBM? We’ve got Jake, cowboys and now sheep. Sally has a moustache as well. Cut to Billy on the plane with three tonnes of bandage under his ass. He’s going to have a hard time at customs explaining why his ass is full of white stuff. Marv has a bitchy wife (note: not Joe Pesci). Sally suggests they try parachuting for their next adventure. Just in case you can’t tell, they are all at the age of the mid-life crisis. Sally says Marv is up for it and Billy says Marv wants to die because he’s married to bitchy Mrs Marv. Poor Marv.
One year later. Billy’s Mum wakes up him at the moment of his birth – 5.15am. Thankfully, my Mum doesn’t love me that much, if at all. Do you get how some people call their inlaws Mum and Dad? That’s weird. Billy’s thirty-nine. He has hair in is ears, gets depressed on his birthdays and seems a bit of a hypochondriac. Billy, welcome to Mid-Life Crisis City, population: you, Sally, Marv and Bill Murray in all his recent films.
At work, Billy’s caught trimming his ear hair with an enormous pair of scissors by none other than George Snr. from Arrested Development. George Snr. plays an annoying pizza advert that Billy put on the radio and which is so bad, it’s causing people to have accidents. Like Accident Direct. Put your umbrella up Billy, it’s about to rain disenchantment in Mid-Crisis City. Billy sighs “You ever reach a point in your life when you say to yourself, this is the best I’m ever gonna look, the best I’m ever gonna feel, the best I’m ever gonna do, and it ain’t that great?” Billy, that’s like a Tuesday for me.
It’s Bring Your Dad to School Day. Although someone mis-read the memo and brought an ass-crack. No wait, there’s a Dad attached to it, panic over. Builder Dad tells an inappropriate story about dragging a wrecking ball off a woman’s legs that the kids find delightful. Hell, damn, fury and fire, it’s Baby Jake! He has a strangely square haircut and ears that he has yet to grow into but damn it he’s cute, like Elijah Wood when he was a little actor. Not like a hobbit, like in Forever Young and shit. Jake stands up and does a terrible, terrible thing - he says his Dad’s a submarine commander. The thing I don’t get is that working in radio advertising seems pretty cool. You decide what gets on the radio without having to be as annoying and misogynistic as Chris Moyles. Having said that, a submarine commander is infinitely cooler. And Sarsgaard was in a film about submarines. Really gotta think of a name for that trivia website. Jake has the good grace to look ashamed with himself and lowers his beautiful blue eyes to the floor before telling the truth. I reiterate – working in radio sounds pretty cool. The kids and teachers soon tear it apart though until Billy vocalises his breakdown and Jake dies of embarrassment.
At home, Billy’s whining about his Mid-Life Crisis to his wife who has little to no sympathy. Billy feels he can’t quit his job because he won’t be able to support his family. And that’s important because Jake’s a part of the family. How will he become Oscar-nominated without financial security? Oh yeah, Damon and Affleck. It seems Billy’s other child Mag…, sorry, Holly, wants to go into drama but fell off the stage. Holly, Jake’s the actor. Divert your creativity into something else, like fashion. Holly arrives, and appears to be wearing a tartan dress with a hood. Forget fashion Holly, join an office and maybe you’ll be lucky enough to have a Diet Coke break once in a while.
At the birthday party, Jake pulls a face that makes him look like a transformer then does his shoulder-popping trick that makes me twitch. Billy sends him to bed before he can scare any more guests. I get the feeling this may be the last we see of Jake. No wait, there he is, telling Sally’s wife that he saw a picture of her in the newspaper in her underwear and that his Mum was bitching about her. I defy anyone not to use contraception after that embarrassment. Jake is then properly sent to bed and I don’t think we’ll see him again. Again.
Billy goes over to Marv and says “Hellooo?” in a way that cracks me up. Amanda Bynes does it in She’s The Man and I laugh everytime. Because I have a small brain. Marv is pretending to be sleeping to avoid Mrs Marv but it doesn’t work and she tries to make him leave but he begs another 15 minutes. She also makes him get up at 4:30 to open her Dad’s supermarket. Bitchery, thy name is Mrs Marv. Sally shows up and they give Billy his birthday present. It’s three weeks in New Mexico for the three of them, driving cattle. Okay, you’re not fooling me anymore TV, this is BBM and Heath’s about to come around that corner. Marv announces excitedly “Real horses!” I laugh. Billy’s not impressed as he’s supposed to be going to Florida to visit his inlaws, or Mum and Dad. The doorbell goes and Billy says “I know nine people and they’re all here.” I laugh again and then think that I don’t know six people and want to visit Mid-Life Crisis’ twin city, Quarter-Life Panic.
The voice of Lisa Simpson is at the door in a supermarket apron looking for Marv who promptly shits a brick. Uh-oh, Marv been making sweet music on aisle six. Looks like I’m right as Voice of Lisa announces she’s late. And not just for the party. And she stole a pregnancy test from work. Wish I worked in a place where I could steal pregnancy tests. All I’ve managed to steal so far are post-its. Mrs Marv is not pleased. Well, pregnancy tests are expensive. She calls VOL a whore and Marv grows a pair and shouts at Mrs Marv. Turns out they haven’t had sex for twelve years, which explains why Marv would go for the slightly androgynous VOL. Marv announces he hates her, which I understand, and “If hate were people, I’d be China!” which I laughed at. Told you, small brain.