As britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl remain AWOL or MIA, depending on how you feel, an alarming spate of 'Jake Fakes' have surfaced to wreak mild havoc on online Jakedom. If there is one thing Jake Watch will not stand for it is dopplegangers...and Paris Hilton...and camel racing. Today I bring you the horrific news that Uncle Jack Nasty has once again reared his fake lame fake retarded head but this time it's WORSE!
He brought photoshopped picture* evidence with him (or her)!
Can I remind you, 'Nobody Wants You Like I Do' nee 'Uncle Jack Nasty' nee 'I'm Jake Gyllenhaal, no honestly, I totally have a MySpace!', that you suck the big one and we hope you get herpes. Let's take a little look at how Fake Jake chooses to represent Real Jake to the MySpace viewing public...
Well,well,well (well?) . Hello there all you lovely people. The name's (Fake) Jake, I'm a 26 year old bachelor (you not heard the rumors?) living in the great state of Cal-I-Forn-I-A. When work calls (or family) I head east to New York. Very cool places, both of them. You see interesting things and even better, interesting people (hotdog vendors, tramps, Paris Hilton...oh wait...). I love my job (Professional nutbag?). It brings home the bacon (DUDE! TOO SOON!) . Speaking of bacon, I love to cook it (I love to cook anything) and eat it =). I have flaws, but don't we all (speak for yourself)? To name a few,you could say I'm clumsy and I can get too goofy at times when I'm suppose to be serious (like at funerals?). But hey, laughter equals a happy person and who doesn't like a happy person? My sister, Maggie (Thanks, because we didn't know her name), gave birth a little while back to a beautiful baby girl who got the name Ramona. I love being an Uncle. It's fantastic! I can't wait to have children of my own someday (Reel them fishes in, big daddy) . I've got two cool dogs (you used to, what happened to them?) named Atticus Finch and Boo Radley who are looking for love,so,if you got a lady pup,send her their way ;-) (pimping your dogs on MySpace?) . Well, you good people you, I must be getting through now. Don't want to bore anyone to sleep. Feel free to hit me up with a message now and then (Oh, we will). I'd love to speak with you guys. Later. (Loser.)
Jake does not deserve such misrepresentation which makes him sound lame. For more fun please visit Original Fake Jake HERE.
Which brings us on to Fake Jake #2 who may possibly be the same person as Original Fake Jake. If you get an email from firstname.lastname@example.org then er, it's not Jake for obvious reasons. According to the bloke who does a shit job of running www.jakegyllenhaal.com, 'Jake does not play online, apart from dog dating sites'. Okay, that quote was only partly true.
But what does Jake do when he's not being poorly impersonated by people who shouldn't be allowed to use the internet unsupervised? Award season, baby!
In other news Jake will be at the BAFTAS** which airs on Sunday for people who live in the Isles of Britannia. Unfortunately it will be hosted by Jonathan Ross who will probably make jokes of a disrespectful nature and then laugh at himself and then go home and rub his body all over with £50 notes because the BBC pay him too much. So Jake, was this 'I'm spending the rest of my life in Morocco' thing a gag or what?
*devil horns added by Jake Watch.
**Jake will not be winning a BAFTA this year, unless they introduce that 'Best Jake Gyllenhaal in a Jake Gyllenhaal Film' catergory we've been campaigning for.