Into the snow venture our intrepid teens, walking like muppets in their snow-shoes. Somehow, by the time they get in the ship, they’ve acquired torches. Obviously the Torch Fairy likes Jake too. The film has now turned into an episode of The X Files as people wander down dark corridors with torches. Except they’re searching for penicillin rather than aliens. As they’re banging about, those CGI wolves start legging it towards the ship. Jake finds a First Aid room – most people just have a box – but can’t break in. See Jake, takes practice to become a real vigilante. Jake finds a window and remembering his just-in-case Spiderman training, climbs across the ship to the First Aid window, Ugly and SOH watching in awe. Jake then breaks said window with an axe. Man, he’s manly. He slides through and opens the door for the others so they can start hunting for drugs. SOH finds it, Jake asks how does he know. SOH says it says ‘Emmy-Saving Drug’ on the bottle. Meanwhile, the wolves are tracing the snow-shoed steps of our heroes.
SOH says they should raid the mess hall. Jake, despite being Brad Pitt in Ocean’s 11, says there’s no time. After all, Emmy’s dying and there are CGI wolves about. But no, Ugly agrees with SOH. There’s a surprise since they’re in love. Ugly also pushes the Emmy-Dying-Without-Food button to get Jake to come with them. While looking for food, SOH opens a cupboard, accidentally inflating a life-raft and falls over hilariously. Unhilariously, the wolves follow the sound and leap on Ugly’s leg. Bet he doesn’t taste nice. SOH pulls him inside a door while Jake manfully beats the wolf to death with his torch. The wolf whines. Ugly is whining about his leg so Jake bandages it, managing not to beat him to death with his torch. Now they are trapped.
Cut to Pretty Asian Lady watching the super-cold hurricane descend on New York. But that’s where Jake is! Speaking of, Jake sticks his head out a porthole to see the weather clearing and announces they have to get back. Cor, he’s intelligent. Looking a bit crazy (script read ‘desperate’), Jake tells his chums he’ll lure the wolves out. SOH wishes him luck but doesn’t offer to go with him this time. So Jake takes a kitchen knife.
Off he goes and he’s doing well until he steps on a piece of glass and pulls a sex face. Hang on, I thought he was trying to lure the wolves out so isn’t attracting their attention a good thing? He legs it past a doorway, narrowly avoiding being decapitated by a wolf who instead headbutts a wall. Jake also runs into a wall, rather hilariously, with a ‘doink’. He is chased by wolves but manages to lock them in somewhere. Where they will die a slow painful starving death. Oh I forgot, they’re CGI. SOH obviously thinks Jake is a wolf when he comes back to rescue them but changes his mind when the wolf says “Brian open the door!”. SOH should get his eyes checked.
Cut to DQ, dragging New Guy/Fuck-Up on his sledge. Why he didn’t leave him behind I have no idea. The air clears, the wind dies and DQ, who is obviously part Lassie, leaps into action.
Jake and SOH are comically legging it across the snow, dragging Ugly and food in the accidentally-inflated life-raft. Why they didn’t leave him behind I have no idea, the wolves needed chow. Jake stops in time to see the top of the Empire State Building freeze up. Man, that took ages to build! He yells “Let’s Go!”, abandons the others and runs for Emmy and her lovin’ arms…Wait, no he doesn’t. The freezing-ness is contagious, spreading down the buildings.
DQ removes a chimney off some building and throws New Guy down it. Probably hoping he’ll break his neck, or at least his fall.
Jake and the gang have reached the library. He orders SOH to take the medicine to Emmy, then like the hero we all know he is, hefts Ugly onto his back – the subtitles read “(Grunting)”. Hee.
DQ is getting in the chimney when he sees the American flag freeze solid. Dear God no. Let’s just take a moment…Oh sweet liberty…
Jake is going for gold as the corridor freezes around him. Ugly is being most unhelpful by weighing him down and not making any effort at all. I hate lazy people, I write while lying in bed. SOH and DQ both shut their respective doors which freeze over. Jake does a bit of a mentalist basketball jump to throw another priceless book on the fire, yelling not to let it go out. Then he forgets all about that and starts fondling Emmy again.
DQ is starting a fire of his own while Jake burns more copies of the bible. Isn’t that a sign of the apocalypse, along with the demise of Heather Mills-McCartney?
Well that was all very exciting. Time for a cuppa to relax my nerves.
In the frosty kitchen where DQ has set up home, New Guy awakes to coffee, croissants and a naked DQ. Nah, he’s got all his clothes on. At first glance, New Guy seems to be wearing a Santa hat but turns out it’s a bandage. New Guy asks what happened. “Well, first I went to a conference with Bilbo, then Jake went to New York. Now you’ve come around just in time for the end of the world. Which is all your fault you little fuck-up.” DQ actually says he pushed him in a hole. New Guy makes a crap joke about getting pushed around. DQ says “Good to have you back.” Oooooh lies. Apparently the storm has passed and they’re forty miles from Manhattan. But only eight feet from their nearest Starbucks. New Guy says they should wait, get a Frappuccino and some biscotti. Great. You killed Old Guy Who Did Die As Predicted and now he wants to kill Jake too. DQ puts his foot down and off they go. To Jake, not to Starbucks.
DQ uncovers a sign that says Staten Island. You should ride the ferry, it’s free. New Guy’s hi-tech equipment directs them to a trail of frozen bodies in the snow, bodies that bear a startling resemblance to the people who didn’t listen to Jake and went off into the snow willy-nilly. New Guy looks confused again as if he’s trying to work out whether this is his fault. It probably is somewhere along the line. Awww, there’s School Crossing, all Jack-Frosted up. This just proves what I always say: when in situations of mortal peril, trust pretty people, not authority figures. Unless the pretty people are authority figures, like Christian Slater in Broken Arrow. Though I believe Christian Slater is almost always trustworthy. Save when he puts his hands on the asses of strangers.
Cut to later that night. All snugly in their tent – spot the pyshic Brokeback Mountain reference – DQ and New Guy share a mug of cocoa and discuss the future of mankind. DQ says man survived the last ice age so they can survive this one. Because now we have electric blankets and microwaveable beanie bears. Then he gives us the true message of the film – it all depends on whether we can learn from our mistakes. I don’t know about you but that’s what I’ll take from this film as I leave my TV on and put my coke cans in the bin not marked recycling. DQ continues, saying he wants to learn from his mistakes. He confirms he was thinking about his son and not Jaws 3-D. New Guy hints that DQ’s son is probably a smoking ice lolly by now and while I think about Jake as a tasty frozen treat on a stick to be licked up and down, up and down…DQ says he made Jake a promise and he’s going to keep it.
Back in space, the astronauts say storm is clearing. DQ pops his head out of his tent and is greeted by a big ass boat sticking out of the frozen ground. The good ol’ Statue of Liberty is frozen solid as our Jake rescuers head towards the city that never sleeps except when it's half buried in snow. DQ asks where the library is, New Guy says right here. No library in sight. But this was where the last copy of Claptrap was said to exist! New Guy says he’s sorry. So you bloody should be. It’s all YOUR fault. DQ runs over a snow bank and there’s the library, or the top of it anyway. Check your bleedin’ hi-tech apparatus New Guy. They climb in through a window and things look hopelessly chilly and dead. DQ yells for Jake but no reply. Oh God, he’s dead!!! I don’t think I can go on. I’m about to crack open my Bic and slice up my wrist when they spot light under a door. The torch beams illuminate SOH and Ugly looking rather cosy, the French woman, Emmy and then…Who’s that handsome young man in the duffle coat by the fire, the one with the dishevelled hair and the big brain, the one who’s eyes have seen too much for his youth, like death, destruction and Ugly’s face. Yes, it is the Chosen One, Mr Jake Gyllenhaal himself. As he stirs, really cutely I might add, rubbing his eyes with his mittens, Emmy asks “Who is that?”. It’s fucking Dennis Quaid, Emmy, show some God-damned respect. Okay, so you didn’t see In Good Company or Cold Creek Manor but don’t embarrass him by saying so. The music builds to a crescendo as DQ looks at Jake and Jake looks right back, saying “That’s my father”. That’s the Oscar clip there baby! Not a dry eye in the house.
Emmy looks totally amazed that DQ made it all this way, especially with New Guy being such an ass. Jake goes and throws his arms around his Papa and DQ makes a happy ‘Ohmigod! I’m hugging Jake Gyllenhaal!’ face. Jake closes his eyes so we know he’s in the moment. Then there’s this weird bit where they show everyone smiling at the happy couple – New Guy, SOH and Ugly, who probably wanna be hugging each other, and then Emmy. Despite Mr Director trying to capture emotion, it’s just plain creepy.
In Meh-he-co where it’s suddenly spring again, DQ’s boss says “Mr President”. God, the bugger made it back. Nope, turns out he’s talking to Vice Prez who has now been upgraded . He explains about DQ and says there are survivors. Vice Prez (Now Real Prez) makes the understatement of the year, saying “That’s good news”, like someone just told him his Victoria sponge was cooking nicely. Now Jake and Emmy can have that white wedding he’s always dreamed of…with sponge cake.
New Prez / Old Vice Prez makes a statement on TV reinforcing DQ’s and Michael Jackson’s message – Heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race…it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white and Billie Jean was not my lover. He also admits that he was wrong. If only the Real Real Prez would do that. Or go and play with another pretzel. Movie Prez is also pro-immigration, seeing as he’s an illegal in Mexico.
DQ’s Boss goes off in a helicopter to New York but the library is empty. Oooh, where’ve they gone?
Movie Mom reappears as does bald Peter, still sans parents. I know his game: he’s gonna try and live with Jake. A case of Blatant Stalking methinks. Movie Mom goes to watch New Prez yapping about survivors in New York and assumes Jake is one of them. Which he is. So she’s right. Kudos to her.
DQ’s boss spots people out on the snow. It’s our favourite bunch of apocalypse survivors, the dog too. Terrible shot of DQ and Jake grinning at DQ’s boss, probably thinking about the massive raise DQ is going to get and about the book they’ll write together and promote on Oprah, talking about their harrowing experience and the love that grew out of it.
As the helicopters fly back over the city, Homeless Man hugs his Buddha, Male Librarian hugs his bible, wishing he had the courage to hug Cell-Phone Girl and SOH and Ugly are kissing with tongues. Emmy leans over to look out the window – Jake was selfish and wouldn’t let her have the window seat. That’s a sign of a bad relationship by the way, The Wedding Singer says so. Jake’s finally taken his stupid headscarf off. There are people coming to the roofs of other buildings to get airlifted to Mexico for tequila and good times. What, you thought this bunch of pussys were the only ones who could ride out a storm? They ain’t that hard.
Ugly looks at SOH out of the corner of his eye, SOH grins back. Seriously, is this a homosexual sub-plot that they had to cut due to time constraints? DQ grins broadly, maybe at the new survivors, maybe at the flourishing homosexual love before his eyes. Jake smiles at DQ. Emmy’s looking at Jake and puts her head on his shoulder. Bear in mind Jake, she hasn’t had a wash in several days and has a gammy leg. You don’t want her. Despite all this, Jake grins ’cos he knows he’s getting lucky tonight. Saving her life several times over will shortly be totally worth it. Remember, what happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico. DQ grins right back. Hope he doesn’t think he’s getting lucky with Emmy tonight.
Up in space, the astronauts announce they’ve never seen the air so clear, before showing us a snowy globe – not to be confused with a snow globe - on which Jake lives. And there was much rejoicing. Because we’ve come to the end.
Final thanks go to cast members Lynne Debel (‘Old Frozen Woman’), Mikio Dwaki (‘Noodle Chef’), Jose Ramon Rosario (‘Cabby “Crazy Weather” ’) and Jesse Todd (‘Scientist in Hallway’). Thanks also goes to Script Supervisor Kim Berner for letting all those ‘gems’ slide through, to Wardrobe Assistants Shoppers Sylvie Guillard and Caroline Breard for getting the forty-six layers of clothing necessary to recreate Emmy’s authentic ‘19th Century Russian Gypsy’ look, to Jake’s assistant Matthew Katz-Frost (great name by the way) for, well everything, to Petty Cash Clerk Vladimir Fuentes for always having quarters for the vending machines and to Wolf Trainer Mark Dumas. What? They were all CGI! Cushiest job ever! Oh, and it tells us to visit www.futureforests.com where you can get Carbon Neutral weddings. Call me old fashioned but running away to Vegas to be married by a drunk Elvis impersonator has always been my idea of a dream wedding.
Oh, look. We weren't invited to the Premiere but it appears DQ and SOH weren't either so don't feel too bad.
This review is dedicated to my grandmother Megan. She never saw The Day After Tomorrow and since her favourite film was The Sound of Music, I can make an educated guess that she would have hated it.
Thanks for coming to Anneka’s Picture House. Please deposit all trash in the bin provided and come again soon. But not tomorrow as I’ll be out all day. And not Tuesday either because I have a piano recitel.