A quick recap of all things important about the 2006 ESPY Awards hosted by Lance Armstrong:
The Joke. The joke we all hoped would not happen. The joke which caused nightmares for those of us who heard about it being practiced during rehearsal...IT HAPPENED. Like a train wreck...
Lance: "We've also got a lot of Hollywood celebrities in the audience. Fresh from his Oscar nomination for Brokeback Mountain, my good friend Jake Gyllenhaal!"
(applause and reaction shot of Jake looking Oscar-nominated-happy)
Wait for it, wait for it...
Lance: "Jake, why are you sitting in the front? I thought you liked it in the rear."
(audience groans, boos, cheers, like, "Oh no, you didn't!!"; reaction shot of Jake throwing his head back like, "Oh no, you didn't!!")
Lance ("Oh yes, I did!!"): "In the rear of the theater, you sickos!"
Prophecy Girl: "Jake, I'm so sorry."
Then Lance went on to introduce "Sexiest Man Alive" (my ass) Matthew McConaughey.
Lance: "We don't have to turn and look. We all know what he looks like. Jake! Eyes up here!"
Prophecy Girl: "Oh, Jake, I'm SO SORRY!"
Somewhere in Los Angeles, Ted Casablanca jumps up and down on his bed in his jammies.
Then the awards started being given out and each one was accompanied by an hour-long video montage of the four nominees in each category. Whenever an award was given out, the presenters prefaced it with, "And the fans have decided..." So apparently this is a fan-oriented thing. I really didn't know because I've never watched ESPN before in my life.
Other observations: Janet Jackson is not a very good presenter. Keifer Sutherland is only 1/4 the size of Venus Williams. And Mariah Carey is completely incapable of opening up an envelope. Who knew? Also, the "most close-ups award" goes to McConaughey, hands down, which is odd since he's not even an athlete.
Towards the middle, Lance gave a moving speech about cancer and told the audience that half the people in the room would be diagnosed at some point in their lives. He symbolically moved his hands to indicate he was halving the audience (suspiciously gesturing in Jake's direction) and then...we get a reaction shot of Jake, who, appropriately, looks like he might cry. We're less than an hour in and Lance has already called him gay twice and told him he was going to get cancer. Jake, I don't know if this friendship is the best thing for you.
Next up is our buddy Matt, whose shirt is only half-buttoned and whose sunglasses (!) are hanging off of said shirt, like it's part of his outfit (and as the evening progresses, it becomes sadly apparent that this is, indeed, a fashion statement). What the hell? Every other person there managed to at least button up their shirt. Jake, I mean come on here! This is who you want to hang out with? Instead of me? Dude. Matt presented an award to an inspirational basketball team from New Orleans, although I was focused more on how stoned he looked than how inspirational the team was.
Then there was a whole bunch of other stuff that I wasn't really paying attention to. Maybe we can find this on YouTube and Anneka can do a real recap. Blah blah blah. Terrell Owens becomes Person #2 to be called gay. Apparently he wrote a gay book. Whatever. OK, Jake! Finally! The ESPY for "Best Moment" (at least they gave him a decent award.)
Jake comes out. Reading Terrell Owens' gay book. Oh, good God, Jake! You don't have to do this!
Jake (still pretending to read): "There's a lot of good stuff in here. But I'm going to let the beginning of the show go."
The first part of that statement could not been more unenthusiastic and the second part sounded a little bitter. I don't blame you, pal. I'm boycotting ESPN after this and it's all for you! Oh, wait. You're still talking...
Jake: "Sports are more amazing than fiction, more compelling than movies, more thrilling than anything we can imagine."
I'm not buying it. Jake most definitely is not either. He's "fresh from his Oscar nomination" and I don't believe for a second he thinks sports are that exciting. I also don't believe for a second he enjoyed being the running joke of the night (I'd never treat you like crap, Jake!). At least he got to give his award to a rightfully enthusiastic winner.
I think there was an award or two after that, but I was just there for the Gyllenhaal. Also, I managed to get this up before the awards show actually ended so take that other blogs!! Goodnight!
EDIT: Here are a few more pics of Jake from the awards which look a lot like all the other pictures we've already seen of Jake from the awards, but I promise they aren't the same ones as britpop put up. This is a sleight of hand manuever on my part to distract you from whatever I wrote above that was offensive to some of you. Let's take a moment to reflect on why we're all here to begin with:
And a big thanks to Karin for finding this: