So I was ranting that the MTV Movie Awards wouldn't be shown on UK TV, but they will (Channel 5, 22nd June - thanks, Annabel!), and the good ship Anneka, being the charitable bird she is, took minutes of the awards show just for me. Great, you're thinking, why are you going on about this, britpopbaby? Well, Anneka is fucking funny and thus her detailed record of the MTV Movie Awards is fucking funny and should be read by all.
There may be some words in there that non-UK residents might not understand - 'cuppa' means 'cup of tea' - but go with it. And laugh. You deserve it.
Firstly, I apologise for the randomness. I was going to occupy my time today by making brownies but then discovered I didn’t have the right sized baking tin and so had to turn to TV for help. I watched Neighbours and then the MTV Movie Awards came on. And I was bored and my hand was itching – to write, not because of some rash - and I’m supposed to be finding inspiration for some poetry competition so I got my pen and pad and started writing random comments on the afore-mentioned awards. Mostly, I am missing you and hoping that you are missing me. So I thought I’d send them to you, so it can be like we’re watching TV together again. Even though we’re not. And that makes me sad. Anyway, enjoy!
My first problem – the slightly retarded Sky+ has missed the beginning of the show so I’m immediately confused. However, my awesome brainpower and powers of deduction inform me that Topher Grace, Jessica Alba and some dude I am later informed is Flavor Fave (Tim probably knows who he is) are doing a spoof of Mission Impossible III, involving a water pistol full of Topher’s urine. I’m beginning to think being a writer isn’t as difficult as it’s cracked up to be.
Jessica Alba’s head explodes. YAY!!!!!
Credits inform us that Jake Gyllenhaal will be playing “Jake”. Jake’s here? Now I’m REALLY excited.
Jessica Alba is back, unfortunately with head intact.
Brandon Routh (the new Superman) tries to beat Tom Welling(Smallville) for the most wooden Superman ever. Welling wins in a photo finish.
Our first shot of Gyllenhaal Jnr, wearing grey shirt, looking good. He laughs at Christian Bale’s (HOT!) joke about Batman being more badass than Superman. Which is totally true. Next to Jake, some random separates him from Jessica Simpson. At least, I think it’s a random, don’t yell at me if it’s someone I should know, though to me she looks like a random. Lemme know if I should know better. Anyway, Aforementioned Random looks at Jake lovingly, like “Ohmigod, we’re like, TOTALLY laughing at the same thing. We should be, like, soulmates”. This makes me think she’s a competition winner. Although knowing my luck I’m probably wrong and it’s his cousin.
Isla Fisher of ‘The Wedding Crashers’ is up for Best Breakthrough. Does ‘Home and Away’ count for nothing these days?
Obviously not as Isla Fisher wins and has to sideways crab up the steps in a hideous dress.
Colin ‘Captain Slaphead’ Farrell blatently regrets the day he agreed to star with Jamie Foxx who comes on stage yelling “WHAT UP! WHAT UP!!” And then beatboxes. Twat.
20 minutes 30 seconds
Shot of Jake doing a furrowed eyebrow laugh at Colin Farrell announcing the category as Best Fight. Not sure why. Were they ever in a fight? Bet Farrell won. He looks like a biter. And a kicker. I’m still confused about who is sitting next to Jake. Lil help?
Jamie Foxx slips up saying to Jessica Simpson “Don’t send Nick after me”. Does he not read Heat? Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a blind musician...What do you mean he was acting?
Colin Farrell looks v. uncomfortable as Jamie Foxx puts his arm around him.
Eva Mendes and Justin Trousersnake come onstage. Jake can’t be far behind. The Voice-over man informs us that Trousersnake’s new album is called Future Sex Love Sound. One thought: WTF?
23 minutes 30 seconds
Eva and Trousersnake joke about “ranch hands who get jobs”. Give you three guesses where that went. Yup. At the mention of “ranch hand-jobs”, Jake looks a little taken aback, wriggles uncomfortably in his seat and mutters “Wow”. Twice. You’re gonna be sorry Trousersnake. You’re gonna go for a short walk down a long alley with Sarsgaard and Heath Ledger for that comment.
Trousersnake obviously realises his mistake as he has to turn around away from the camera. Or is all this homosexuality a little close to home for him…hmmmm. Jake mutters summat unintelligible and raises his hands in a “What can I do to make this gimp stop?” gesture.
In a clip of Just Friends, Anna Faris kisses her co-star (unfortunately not Ryan Reynolds – HOT!) like Lea kissed Glyn on Big Brother. I promptly lose my shredded wheat and honey. What? The dog ate all my crumpets!
25 minutes 30 seconds
Voice Over man says “Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger” in a sexy voice as we are treated to a clip from a little film you might have heard of called Brokeback Mountain. Shot of Mr Twist by a pick-up truck. Heath bombs down some stairs towards him. I wonder what’s going to happen next. There isn’t long to wait as Heath launches himself at Jake, throws him against a wall and sticks his tongue down his throat. Jake looses his hat. Phew, is it me or is it hot in here? Jen from Van der Beek’s Creek watches in horror, thinking “He’s the father of my children”. Oooh, and in real life too. What a coincidence!
25 minutes 45 seconds
Brangelina up for best kiss. That’s some cold shit.
Eva opens her envelope. There would probably be suspense if I didn’t know Jake was getting it. Trousersnake leans over her shoulder and nods in approval as he says “It’s the fellas”. Eva screeches “Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger”. Jake is leaning forward in his seat, managing to look both pleased with himself but also pissed that he has to be within two feet of Trousersnake and his preppy jumper. Jake gets up, nodding and jogs up the stairs. Who’s idea was it to put him in the front row? Genius! He finger-points and makes eyes at Trousersnake like “I gotta shake his boy-hand” (note: not a euphemism). He successfully manages to keep a lotta space between them as he shakes his boy-hand. Then in true hilarity, gives him a “Talk to the hand” and goes for Eva with ferocity, kissing her cheek. Eva hands him his popcorn. And then, in true frat boy - sorry, I meant twat boy – style, Trousersnake slaps Jake’s ass and starts clapping his own genius. Jake gives him uber-evils and mentally puts him on his list, next to Sarsgaard for the Mr Mistoffelees incident.
Jake takes his place at the podium. I’m getting images of a Presidential Jake some way in the future. Fiddling sexily with his shirt sleeves, which are rolled up, he says that he told Heath that if they didn’t get Best Kiss, it wasn’t worth it. He pauses, smiles naughtily and says “It’s worth it now” and nods sincerely, as if he’s remembering just how good Heath tasted. The Random who was sat next to him starts clapping and cheering. Now I’m thinking it could be his Mum, but she looks too young. Jessica Simpson looks uncomfortable, so maybe she is a random. Or maybe Jessica Simpson just doesn’t like all this talk of homosexuals.
Jake repeats “Yeah, it’s definitely worth it.” Everyone laughs, except Trousersnake, who laughs at least two seconds after everyone else has finished. Jake says this is a huge honour and a big deal that this kiss got voted the best. Trousersnake claps after everyone else. Except Eva Mendes who doesn’t clap at all. Is she a homophone too? She and Jessica could get together, do each other’s hair and rag on the gays.
Jake thanks me (and everyone else watching I suppose) from those struggling with love, including himself. Ooooooh. Is he giving something away? Is he gay? Does he like boys? I’m beginning to sound like Toothy Tile so I’ll stop. He’s probably just struggling with his love for britpopbaby. Or the restraining order.
Trousersnake comes up to congratulate Jake, doing the “You da man!” finger gesture. Jake blows him off. Like I needed another reason to like Jake. Now I can add “hates boy-man Trousersnake” to “funny, sexy, famous” and “American”. Trousersnake has his hand on Jake’s shoulder as they leave, Eva tagging along behind.
Jimmy Fallon starts a spoof of the Da Vinci Code with Jessica Alba. He carries off the hair better than Tom Hanks.
Andy Dick is an albino. Who knew?
Adverts. WTF is Busta Rhymes advertising? Something about a Big Bang? I’m intrigued and confused. And I probably won’t understand when it’s revealed either.
Gnarls Barkley perform “Crazy” with a Star Wars theme, including Chewbacca on the drums, a stormtrooper on bass and Darth Vader on lead vocals. I bet George Lucas is spinning in his grave...What do you mean he’s not dead?
Owen Wilson calls Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days evil. He’s not wrong.
How come Angelina isn’t up with Darth Vader and Voldemort for Best Villain? Oooooh BURN!
It appears some seagull has unfortunately shat on Hayden Christensen’s hat. Why didn’t someone tell him? We cannot see his face under his shit-covered hat. Perhaps it’s not him. I don’t know why I’m making a note of this as I don’t really care.
Famke Janssen’s dress is hideous.
49 minutes 30 seconds
Shot of Jake seeming embarrassed by Famke and Rebecca Romain threatening to get naked and paint each other. He hides his face in his hands, murmuring Heath’s name over and over again to ward of the witches.
Both Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson are up for Sexiest Performance. Bet Jessica Simpson jumped out of her chair when she heard “Jessica” and then sat back down a bit sharpish when she heard “Alba”. Ha ha ha!
Shot of Jake in Brokeback Mountain for Best Performance. The bit where he’s wearing his hideous moustache and fighting with Heath by the river before they say goodbye forever and he gets his head smacked in. That bit is followed by a shot of Jake by the fire with some glorious mood lighting. Then a shot of Jake driving off, crying to the sounds of You and Me by Lifehouse. I feel my eyes welling up.
Kate ‘Yes, I was once English’ Beckinsale reads out Jake’s name and the crowd goes wild. Cup hands and roar softly to get this effect. Jake is chortling as he jogs up the stairs - happy to be minus the Trousersnake probably. Hugs Becks with one arm and takes the popcorn she offers him. That’s his second one of the night! He’s gonna have to loosen his belt. And remove his trousers. And the rest of his clothes.
Jake shakes the hand of Becks’ co-host Adam Sandler and is a bit surprised when Sandler goes in for a whisper/hug combo. Jake gives him a happy look. The President takes to his podium. Even Jake cannot help but admire himself as his picture is on the big screen. He gives the screen a “You da man!” finger-point. And you are Jake, you are.
Cupping his popcorn protectively, he says “This is an embarrassment of riches”. Then as he continues, tries to twist the top off his popcorn. It’s not a toy Jake, it’s an award. Treat it with the respect it deserves. He congratulates the room on being attractive – Becks and Sandler only clap when he includes his finger-points at them. He thanks me again then steps away from his presidential podium with a “What more can I say?” gesture. Sandler shakes his hand and says summat. Jake gives a “Oh, it was nothing” gesture so I’m guessing it was something like “Man, you rocked ass in that movie”. Once again, Becks trails behind the guys as they leave the stage.
Jessica Alba makes a complete fool of herself in a spoof of King Kong in which she is an estate agent trying to sell Kong a cliff house. Let’s hope Fantastic Four 2 can save her career.
Christina Aguilera combines jazz and half naked women. Who could have expected that?
Christina Aguilera gets half naked herself. We all expected that.
The random between Jake and Jessica Simpson has been replaced by a new random. Seat-filler stalking at its best.
MTV confuses me by having Will Ferrell come on pretending to be a NASCAR driver for his new film. Should have guessed they weren’t actual NASCAR drivers - his mate is sponsored by Old Spice.
Steve Carrell of The 40 Year Old Virgin thanks George Foreman for his grill in his speech.
LL Cool J comes on stage to the sound of his own song. Like it says in High Fidelity, that’s like masturbation. According to Alex, he’s also wearing clothes from his own label. Uber masturbation.
Owen Wilson bitches about Brokeback Mountain getting best kiss over him and Vince. Shot of Jake chortling away, obviously thinking “There’s no way in hell they could have won Best Kiss, so it’s pointless putting him on my list next to Trousersnake and Saarsgard”.
MTV spoils the surprise by letting me know that Jim Carrey is getting the Lifetime Rubber-Face award after the break.
Advert for Hogan Knows Best that shows Hulk Hogan eating a monkey. Again, not a euphemism.
Will Ferrell says he’d rather give a Virginity Award to a whore than a Lifetime Achievement Award to Judi Dench. He mocks our Queen, he spits on our Queen, he…what do you mean Judi Dench isn’t the Queen? Then who is?...Elizabeth who?
Jim Carrey says there’s nice looking pussy in the room. Catherine Zeta Jones – the rich, nympho man’s Imogen from Big Brother – thinks he’s talking about her. Boy is she misinformed.
Jim Carrey seems to be channelling Keanu Reeves as he has his surfer hair. And is surrounded by angels…What do you mean Keanu Reeves isn’t dead?
Carrey and some angels perform “The Happy Dance of Genitalia”. And it was good.
Samuel L. Jackson is in a film called Snakes on a Plane. Sounds like Trousersnake, after thinking up Future Sex Love Sound, was giving out advice on what to call projects. Bad advice.
Adrian Brody’s nose fills up the screen, obliterating Naomi Watts. Yeah, I don’t really care anymore either. I haven’t had a cuppa in about 110 minutes. I’m off.