JAKE AT SOME WEDDING

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What's that canopy thing in the first photo? God, is it standard procedure of some religion and I'm just being really offensive with my throwaway remarks? Well, you'll have to excuse me - I was raised an Anglican. These are from Pink Is The New Blog. God knows where he got 'em from - not that I'm one to talk. The wedding pics don't look like paparazzi snaps to me - does anyone recognise the bride and groom?

UPDATE: Is that the lesser spotted Sarsy?

READY FOR SOME CRAZY TALK?

A reader pointed me in the direction of this amazing discovery. Jake moonlights as Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid!
Or does he? You decide! I'm going with 'kinda'.

BLATANT STALKING #4

Interesting technique, my golden friend. On the one hand I can see you've gone to a lot of effort to stalk the Gyllenhaal - attended Oscar statue academy, trained for years in the art of being a statue, got your big chance when you where hand selected for this year's awards. I bet you couldn't believe your luck when the Gyllenhaal wandered right in front you, posing for those cameras and cutting a dash. Kudos to you, my kinetically challenged pal. But wait a bleedin' minute, it's not the professinal job it first appears to be! Look more closely at the face. Do I detect a smirk? Did someone lose their stoic composure and get a little over-excited at the mere presence of the Gyllenhaal? And that attempt to hide yourself between the ferns can only be described as pathetic! Oh yes, I can see you for what you really are, you poor man's C3P0, a BLATANT STALKER! Take him away!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"When I was in Jarhead, I felt really good about my body, really confident,”
Jake Gyllenhaal, my body is a temple, Shirley Temple.

I felt really good about your body in Jarhead too, Jake. Wait, let me rephrase that - I wish I could have felt your body in Jarhead or any other film for that matter.

THE NOT SPONSORED BY L'OREAL HAIR SURVEY

You know the score - it's somewhat of a hotly contested subject so now we can all say our piece on the Gyllenhaal's locks. It's important people, your opinion matters - not to Jake but maybe to someone else.

1.JARHEAD - also known as the slaphead, this is a personnal favourite of britpopbaby's; shaved heads feel goooooood...

2.SHORT 'N' SWEET

3.'NORMAL' LENGTH - aka the Jack Nasty.

4.WOLVERINE

5.THE WET EFFECT

6.THE EXPERIMENTAL PHASE - black hair dye, always a winner!

7. "SPECIAL"

JAKE SECRET 16TH SUBMISSIONS

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OFF TOPIC: CALLING ALL BLOGGERS
If you own a blog and want to increase your traffic then please check out SPARKLE MOTION by clicking on the button below!

I WANT THAT ONE!

Some genius over at cafepress has come up with a range of Jack Nasty merchandise! Doesn't this just scream tasteful and sophisticated?

If you're not a thong fan then you can see what else is on offer HERE. With a tagline like, "I wish I knew how to quit wearing boring shirts!" "Well, why don't you?? Wear a Jack Nasty shirt instead!", who could resist?

I'm still working on the designs for the Jake Watch merchandise that all six of you so eagerly want. My designer (shout out to Lauren!) is very busy at the moment so just sit on your hands and wait. Any ideas anyone has about it are most welcome - colour, style, slogans -let me know!

THE SUNDAY PROJECT

As you can see from my artistic graphic interpretation of Jake's head stuck on The Swedish Chef from The Muppets, this week's project involves the theory of Jake the Chef. Let's think way outside the box for moment and imagine Jake is opening an eatery. But what theme should he go with?

A. THE RED LION
Ah, the British public inn - is there anything greater? If there is I'd like to know what it is, by Jove! Spotted Dick, Toad in the Hole, Custard Tarts - it's a culinary delight! And think of the custom it would get: Madonna and Guy Richie, Kate Winslet, Hugh Grant, er, Simon Cowell?

B. A, "I'M A MEGA RICH CELEBRITY AND IF I WANNA OPEN A PRENTENIOUS HIGHLY EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT HOSPITALITY, THAN I WILL BECAUSE I CAN!", TYPE EATERY AKA NYLA.
C. 1950'S DINER
Because those places are hella fun and Jake could dress up as Elvis and entertain the patrons with his snake hips - you know it would be packed every night, mainly with people like us.
D. SPECIALIST SWEDISH RESTAURANT
Meatballs and smoked eel, anyone? I'm sure Jake would be thrilled to get back to his roots via these Scandinavian delicacies - not that I'm in any position to joke.

E. BURGER VAN
The glamour! The riches! Imagine waiting in the rain outside football matches to purchase a quarter pounder of meat from the Gyllenhaal!

ANALYSE THIS

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I guess they do look more like friends here but don't they look splendid together? Natalie is like half the size of Jake! And what the dickens is young Gyllenhaal doing in this pic....

(pics from http://iheartjake.com)

JAKE SECRET 15TH SUBMISSIONS

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The second one reads, "You have brought about revolutionary changes in my life."

WELL I NEVER, JAKE MIGHT LIKE GIRLS AFTERALL

The article reads:

V for Valentine?
Natalie Portman and Jake Gyllenhaal have long denied rumors of romance but these pictures capture tham captivating each other on a sunny afternoon in the West Village. Brokeback Mountain star Gyllenhaal waited for V for Vendetta actress Portman with a dozen tulips. He sat, fidgeted and frequently checked the time, but brightened up with a grin when he spotted his date. They hugged, kissed, then strolled along until arriving for an early dinner at The Spotted Pig on West 11th Street according to eye witnesses.
Inside the Michellin-starred gastro-pub Gyllenhaal must have surprised Portman with the bouquet. She left the restaurant smiling and holding them - an him.
"The guy looks like he's in love," said one witness to the wooing.

Well, you could do worse, Natalie.

NEWS ROUND UP

RUBRIC RODEO WINNER
Again it was very close so I think we'll have a couple of runners up:
"Toilets? That way." anon
"Atticus, you better get right back to that trailer and babysit Boo like I told you to!" Lynn
And the winner is...gin!
"After his stunning rendition of "Danke Shein", a la Ferris Bueller, Jake takes a moment to give some love to his adoring crowd."
gin, you'll just have to copy and save that genuine autograph because I er, misplaced the original. Sorry.

JAKE DINES WITH JEN
According to THIS article Jake enjoyed a evening meal with Jen and four other friends at Babbo Ristorante in Manhattan's West Village on 24th May.
Thanks to nothingreallymatters for this news!

BRITPOPBABY LEAVES UNIVERSITY
Yeah, I know. It's big news for us all but hopefully, with time, we'll be available to move on and accept that we're adults now and we have to get some sort of career.

WE GOT SMACKED
Jake Watch got reviewed over at italk2much. I submitted it about two months ago to see what would happen and 'twas not good. Here is what the reviewer Charred had to say:
I understand that Mr. Gyllenhall is an attractive young man who’s very much in the public eye, and I understand that people can get...obsessive in their emotional attachments.
I also understand that this blog is meant to have a a tongue-in-cheek, “we’re just pretending to be this crazy” attitude about it, but...why?
Entertainment?
Sorry, no, that’s not going to cut it. Not with me, anyway.
I don’t care WHAT actor/actress/personality this kind of blog is about.
I just couldn’t care less.
We got one smack though which ain't too bad and as ripping aparts go, we got off quite light. The site has an honesty is the best policy, er, policy.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL...LADY KILLER

This is not the first evidence I've seen of Jake's fatal effect on women but I thought Kiki might be immune given her outrageous, inexplainable actions of the past. I can only presume that there is some secret Hollywood society charged with replacing corpse celebs with clones so that we don't notice. That might explain why Marie-Antoinette sucks the big one but it doesn't help me in working out why everyone liked Lost In Translation so much.

ROADTRIP!

Ah, to be a back seat passenger in that car. We could bring all our favourite CDs and have a car disco and then play I Spy. Of course we'd have to stop about eight times so I could use a restroom and buy waffles and I do get a little motion sick and I'm quite whiny but apart from that it would be FUN, guys! No?
Now, I don't like to spread rumours but it looks like that trip to Martha's Vineyard theory might be accurate. I'm just basing this on Sarsy and Jake getting into a vehicle - what the hell do I know?

JAKE SECRET 14TH SUBMISSIONS

JAKE BUYS BRITPOPBABY'S BOOK, "MY LIFE AS A STALKER"

Includes chapters on camouflage, trash searches, codenames and avoiding court orders. Introduction by Brigadier John Smith, former SAS officer and jet setting playboy. Available from all good book stores, priced £10.99 ($18.50).

JAKE SECRET 13TH SUBMISSIONS

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FAN OF THE WEEK

NAME: Larry the Disillusioned Lemur
AGE: 2
LOCATION: Madagascar
FAV JAKE FILM: Bubble Boy
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A FAN: Ten minutes
STALKING TECHNIQUE: Stealth-like
CAN YOU SIX DEGREE YOURSELF TO JAKE: I was in Madagascar with Ben Stiller who was in Meet The Fockers with Dustin Hoffman who was in Moonlight Mile with Jake. Booya!
IF YOU WERE A KITCHEN APPLIANCE WHAT WOULD YOU BE: Soda Streamer

Do you want to be Jake Watch's FAN OF THE WEEK?

Email me!

DUDE, THIS ISN'T FUNNY, GIVE A GIRL A BREAK

Helping cute little chubby kids to play ball? What possible cynicism am I supposed to get from this? And the hormones around this place are raging enough without seeing you chillin' with the little people! God knows whats gonna happen when this baby of Maggie and Peter's arrives. I'm going to have to take shelter in a nuclear bunker (which wouldn't be a huge problem because for some reason there are loads round where I live - how scared of the Commies were we?). Look, now I just have to go and get some air - it's a good job Anneka and I are going to the zoo today.

Everyone else can torture themselves some more HERE. You've gone too far, Gyllenhaal. TOO FAR!

UPDATE: Watch the video of Jake playing ball HERE. The pap guy is British!

MORE POPPA GYLLENHAAL INFO

So, I complied all your wonderful questions together and sent them off to Ms Christopher yesterday. Hopefully Mr Gyllenhaal got his hands on them this morning and will take about two weeks to get back to us. Ms Christopher described him as 'distracted', which sounds fantasically eccentric, so we have to be patient. A few people asked questions that can be answered now:

Any questions regarding how Stephen found his publisher can be read over at www.stephengyllenhaal.com. You can also subscribe to the Cantarabooks newsletter for all the juicy gossip and helpful hints about getting into the book business.

A lot of people asked about where Stephen would be doing readings. Cantara tells me that he hopes to do a reading in the UK with Graham Swift (this made me squee inside) and also maybe Minneapolis, Chicago, Boston, and Martha's Vineyard in Massachusetts.

For Maxine who asked about an audio version - Cantara writes, "Stephen still holds all audio and dramatic rights to his work but would be interested in releasing his poetry in spoken form, and possibly even as a stage or film work."

And for malingranger's sister - Stephen directed Jake in the 'Rock the Vote' advertisement campaign. You can see it HERE along with Maggie's ad.

Finally, I'd like to thank my roomie Anneka for her questions that, unfortunately, didn't make the final cut:
1. Which one of your kids do you love more, Maggie for giving you a grandchild or Jake for his Oscar nomination?
2. "Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A Bear" is my favourite poem. What's yours?
3. How upset were you when Heath left Jake for Jen off Dawson's Creek?
4. What rhymes with orange?
5. Could you please tell Jake to wear his long socks more often?
6. Lex and Lana on Smallville - hot or not?

JAKE SECRET 12TH SUBMISSIONS

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That first one is NAW-TEE!!!

RUBRIC RODEO #3

Whoops! I forgot all about this, sorry! The winner of last time's rodeo is anneka who wrote:
"In the waiting area at Britpopbaby’s local police station, the three culprits of Friday's midnight mishaps still seemed very pleased with themselves, although now that the illegal substances were wearing off, they were beginning to wonder where their trousers were."
It was topical and it made me chortle a good 'un.

Wanna play again?
So what's Jake doing here? Keep your captions short and witty!

UPDATE: I forgot to offer a totally awesome prize. Look what I just received from a certain someone:

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"I like to disappoint! My dad said to me once that the job of an artist, or anybody really, is to disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. So sometimes my excuse if it's bad is that I am disturbing the comfortable."
Jake Gyllenhaal, just one big old disappointment.

How postmodern of you! How ironic! I hope you don't apply this 'disturbing the comfortable' sentiment to every aspect of your life, Jake, like your bed or your shoes.

JAKE SECRET 11TH SUBMISSIONS

Sorry! I forgot to put these up yesterday.

Also, some more shameless self promotion. I've put some of my prose up, unfortunately it's not The Homicidal Gift from Toys'R'Us, I can't find that anywhere! Click here to read. Thanks!

A JAKE GYLLENHAAL MASTERCLASS: FLIRTING 101

Having problems attracting that special someone? Single and ready to mingle? So shy you could cry? Well, don't fret a moment longer my little cherubs because Professor Jake is here to show us how it's done. By the end of todays lecture you shall all be fluent in the language of flirt.

Step 1: Smile as enthusiastically as possible at every moment to show you're really, really happy to be there. It shows you're a fun time kinda person, approachable or maybe on some pills. Either way, it's a winner - unless you have teeth like Shane MacGowan...then you might as well go home now.

Step 2: Make like your extremely interested in anything your crush has to say. You may use my patented techinque - the bottom lip bite. Good, isn't it?

Step 3: Hypnotise your prey. That's easy for me to say with my baby blues but even those less blessed can manage it. Persistance is the key. Don't get too carried away though or it'll turn into some weird stare down and you'll have to leave.

Step 4: Joke time! You gotta make them laugh but with you not at you. An inoffensive anecdote will work well. You can recycle my 'Got arrested for stealing Speedos' story but you might want to scratch the Speedos part - I do.

Step 5: Going well? Of course it is! Now you can really test the water. Try a quick quip. Make it confident, maybe even slightly arrogant. Here I'm saying, "Can you see Uranus tonight? Can I?"

Step 6: Now you might want to try the 'Too Cool for School' vibe. No one likes the whiff of desperation so step back and act like you have somewhere else you have to be. Like the Jarhead premiere - actually, that line might not work for you.

Step 7: It's time to close the deal. I recommend the coy, 'Look, I don't usually do this but...would you like to come back to my house/hotel room/alley?". Badda bing!

Now students, use these tactics very wisely. I can't have thousands of folks running around, stealing my game all the time! Okay, you've cramped my style enough now, get outta here.