Thursday, November 16, 2006

DEAR PEOPLE MAGAZINE,

Oh, my gaw, y'all. Ok, y'all are, like, my all-time favorite celebrity magazine. And I'm not just sayin' that 'cause in 2004 y'all produced the most amazing spread of Prince William pictures EVER for y'all's "25 Hottest Bachelors" issue (you know, with him lookin' all pissed off and sexy, back when he wasn't ball-and-chained to Kate Middleton and his hairline was intact?) but also because y'all do those crazy survivor stories and stuff and because y'all did that awesome "I'm Gay!" thing for Lance Bass and it was really sweet the way y'all pretended y'all didn't know and stuff beforehand.

Y'all, I really hate to point out y'all's mistakes and stuff because I love y'all so much but I think something's wrong with y'all's website. There is some crazy banner over there that says something about George Clooney being the Sexiest Man Alive! Y'all! No one's gonna believe that! I mean, George is pretty sexy but he's not the Sexiest Man Alive! No way!

So anyway, I was flippin' through y'all's pictures and I noticed that there was someone a little further down the list who was a lot sexier than George and at first I was, like, no way! I mean, this guy's nickname is The Sex. Who's sexier than The Sex? But then I realized that y'all also had a picture of Tad Hamilton and I was like, geez, it all makes sense! Somebody mixed up y'all's pictures! Tad Hamilton isn't even a real celebrity! Y'all, he was made up for that movie with Kate what's-her-name (you know, she shacks up with Orlando sometimes?) and then he showed up on that Las Vegas show, not the CSI one, but the other one. Oh my gawd, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, I hate to be the one to bring it to y'all's attention but just so y'all didn't have any unnecessary embarrassment, I thought I'd tell y'all so y'all could fix y'all's list. And y'all, Jake is so nice. He won't even care that y'all mixed this up. But I wanted to thank y'all for giving some attention to Jim from "The Office" because I always said that if Jake didn't accept that marriage proposal I mailed him, I'd try Jim next. Or maybe I'd try Johnny Depp next, but I'd try Jim at some point. Johnny's supposedly taken but I don't ever cross a man off the list until he has entered the sacred union of holy matrimony.

Alright, y'all go change that now. I mean, everyone's gonna realize it was a mistake so y'all might as well get on it now before too many people find out. Aren't y'all glad you have such good readers like me? Bye, y'all! Love ya!

P.S. Why do y'all always knock K-Fed? He's an artist, y'all. I saved up all my money so I could buy tickets to his concert and it was the greatest experience of my life even though I was really drunk and I don't remember it. I can't even believe Britney let that man go!

(OK, seriously, THIS is the picture they use, and he's not at the top of the list? What is this, a list for blind people?)

43 comments:

JoyceDavenport said...

Those judges sure were blind, or bribed or something. Been thinking this one over. A lot. See now the Sex is in town they are going to have to rename them awards. They are going to have ta call them the Second Sexiest Man Awards. Because what they need to do when judging is get all their sexy men lined up. I'd volunteer to help if they needed any.

Then they grade them one to ten. So you have your George's and your Johnny's and your Heath's (where in the hell was Heath?)Peter of course. And you have your list. Then you stand Jake next to them and give him marks out of ten and you realise he is a twenty five, minimum. So then it slowly dawns that he is going to be the hottest man on the planet for like the next twenty five years. So you rename your awards accordingly. Simple see?

Anonymous said...

...Wow, this is like the SNL skit where they were making fun of Britney going to the divorce lawyer.

Newport Girl said...

The People Magazine "Sexiest Man Alive" award is, and always has been, an asinine ploy. Just a way to sell their product and to sell out the so-called "Winner."

George C. said...

I apologise sincerely for the shortsightedness - nay, blindness - of the judges in this sorry matter. Obviously, I am not the sexiest man in the world, nor would I wish to be. I regret any unhappiness that this undersight has caused both to The Sex and to his Agents - of which I count myself honored to be a member - albeit a lurker.

PS Saarsy's sexier than me too, oh and Heath.

Linna said...

PG, you're so funny! :)

And YES, definitely a list for blind people, I see no other explanation!! As said, who can be sexier than The Sex?! It just doesn't make sense!

Dumbo said...

Exactly, how could he not be at the top with that picture?

veeveevee said...

Someone was high over there at People - how could anyone look at that picture and not realize he was the Sexiest. Man. Ever.???

I feel bad for the other guys in the mag, even Clooney, because when people buy the magazine, and open it up to find that pic of Jake inside, the sexiness level of every single one of the others is going to slide down a notch or two in comparison...

jacknastygirl said...

this seems to be a list for people who have no idea about beauty

Anonymous said...

Finally!!! The Zodiac trailer will be with the new James Bond movie this weekend!!!!!!!

http://www.joblo.com/index.php?id=13588

In widest release this weekend is the latest James Bond picture, CASINO ROYALE. This is the first Bond film for Daniel Craig and, hopefully, not his last. Craig is best known for his work in LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER, ROAD TO PERDITION, LAYER CAKE, and MUNICH (I implore you to look for ENDURING LOVE). Trailers looking for placement include SPIDER-MAN 3, ZODIAC, DREAMGIRLS, THE GOOD SHEPHERD, ERAGON, PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS, and WE ARE MARSHALL.

Plus, the sneak peak on ET tonight!!

Anonymous said...

There was a time in my life, long long ago, when George Clooney and Johnny Depp were the standard against which I measured all others. I call that period: Before Jake. Then I made a list. And I put Jake at the top. I haven't been able to fill the rest of it in. Bcz there's Jake. Then there's everyone else.

hedda parsons said...

3:25PM: Finally the trailer! I may go see Casino Royale now this weekend!!

Prophecy Girl said...

...Wow, this is like the SNL skit where they were making fun of Britney going to the divorce lawyer.

Dude, you're so right. Huh. Props to Amy Poehler for sticking in my head, even when I didn't realize it...

Casino Royale. I am THERE!

Nothing Really Matters said...

^^ Dude i wanna see that movie!

LovetheJakeness said...

Okay..so I approacched a blind person, my little sister...and even she said "I can't tell what they look like" so i had her listen to each of them (jake and george) in video clips...guess who SOUNDED sexiest?? well who else..
Even a blind person picked The Sex!!

mpom said...

If you see only with your eyes, sometimes you see very little. But if you can see with your heart you see truth.


His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.
From Kubla Khan
by S.T. Coleridge 1798


For some reason this quote comes to my mind when I see this picture of Jake. Maybe it's magic and we are all bewitched here on JW because he definately is far and away ahead of the pack.

Agnes said...

Blind people indeed. One look at that picture and you can't vote on anyone else. And its so stupid to have a poll about this; his nick is for God sake The sex, how hard can it be?!

Wet For Went said...

Hey at least he made the 15 featured on the site! My Wenty did not. He is #3 on the Internet's Sexiest Guys though. Jake looks GREAT in that pic!

Anonymous said...

I think that Jake just has to bide his time, you know he's gonna get even BETTER looking the older he gets (I know how can that possibly be, he's already HOT, well he's gonna be off the scale as the years go by and mark my words People won't be able to KEEP him off the cover as sexiest man alive!)

dani said...

mpom said that perhaps we are all bewitched by Jake here at JW. That is true....But what they need to do at People is get rid of those same old editors that are permanently bewitched by George. He's a handsome and charming guy and all, but come on! How can they lay all these photos out on a table - especially that super fine one they selected of Jake - and push him down to number ten with all these already been arounds and near nobodys in between. There is absolutely no logic in this!

britpopbaby said...

The ONLY thing that George has going for him that Jake does not is a mansion on Lake Como but I like to think Jake is still shopping around the Italian lakes for that perfect summer house.

I also like to pretend I'm shopping around for that perfect summer house...but I can't even afford a rest of the year house.

Lizzie said...

You are not gonna believe this, but there ARE people out there who think Jake's ugly. Take my sister for example, she hates him. I don't think I wanna be related to her anymore....

By the way, britpopbaby - thanks for putting our Jake-rocks-our-world-blog on the link list, I feel honored!!!

veeveevee said...

Oh Lizzie, your sister needs help! ;-)

Darn. I really didn't have any interest in going to see the new Bond movie, but now...how crazy would it be to pay $8 just to watch the previews and then head home???

And to Anon 5:22 - you are absolutely right - it sometimes scares me to think how sexy and amazing he's going to be as he ages. People mag WILL take Joyce's advice and rename it the Second Sexiest Man, because NO ONE will compare. (We all know that no one does now, it's just that the rest of the world hasn't caught up yet.)

Kendra said...

Mr. Clooney is a bit monotonous in his actin for my taste, although I wouldn't refuse an intimate dinner with George at a Saint-Tropez bistro. btw, Brits, thanks for fixing my link!

Anonymous said...

OMG...here is the Zodiac trailer!!!!!!!!!! It is AWESOME!!!!

http://playlist.yahoo.com/makeplaylist.dll?id=1522103&sdm=web&qtw=640&qth=400

cina said...

Just saw it!!!! It looks so good!! :-)

smurfette said...

oh whoa, trailer! but i'm debating if i want to watch it. i have a feeling it will only get me more excited and the anticipation will torture even me more since it won't come out til next march! in fact, i should start wiping it from my memory now so i'll be pleasantly surprised when they start to heavily promote it next feb or something! haha, i'm weird.

smurfette said...

btw, don't think it was mentioned, so i just wanted to say happy birthday to the sex's sister and the most adorable new mom maggie, who turns 29 today! haha, because of course, all the gyllenhaal's are reading this blog and its comments religiously (hmm... and maggie's right, irony doesn't translate well in print!)

Nothing Really Matters said...

That looks good!

Newport Girl said...

PG, you said "THIS is the picture they use...what is this, a list for blind people?"

lol

Maybe we should get the Braille Institute list of the Sexiest Men Alive, because we would have to FEEL Jake...not a bad idea, huh?

lol (my fingers are twitching)

Newport Girl said...

Oh, this is off topic, but JG posted a few of those charity bike photos on his UJN site. On the picture titled "Lance and I Ride For The Roses" I wrote a comment about stems. I never thought he would post it, but he did. I guess it shows that he still has a sense of humor about BBM, you know, about "stemming the rose." lol

Newport Girl said...

BTW, my last name is Rose (really).

(And here I am again, talking to myself as usual. Where do you guys go when I'm here, out to dinner? If you take me with you next time, I'll treat!)

amerita said...

What is UJN site?

Newport Girl said...

Sorry, JG's MySpace site, it's called Uncle Jack Nasty.

amerita said...

Newport girl, you don't think that 's REALLY JG, do you????

Newport Girl said...

Pretty sure it is, his Mom is the first friend on the list!

Anonymous said...

"Uncle Jack Nasty" MySpace again??

There was a discussion on this here in June:
http://jakegyllenhaalwatch.blogspot.com/2006/06/funny-or-not-so-funny.html

I don´t believe for a second that this is really Jake...

kaydee said...

veeveevee said...
Oh Lizzie, your sister needs help! ;-)

Darn. I really didn't have any interest in going to see the new Bond movie, but now...how crazy would it be to pay $8 just to watch the previews and then head home???
LOL


OT: be good to this poor not native-speaker girl and explain why there is so much y'all in this post? is it smth the people magazine does, that cloony does or just plain and simple PG's poetic license?

god he's so hot in that pic.

but i still prefer the voting one...

SquallCloud said...

That pic is so sexy I can't stand it. Stupid magazinre people! It reminds me of the "Out Magazine" spread where Jake is lifting up his shirt and there is copious amounts of belly fur and the Scowl of Sex was on full display.

kaydee said...

Scowl of Sex


OMG, LOL LOL LOL

Prophecy Girl said...

The "y'all" thing was a subtle commentary on the general readership of People magazine, suggesting that that they are not the most educated lot ("y'all" is a Southern thing and while it's not nice to say Southerners aren't educated, being one myself, I feel I can poke fun at my own kind) and thus the choice of George Clooney was a choice based on this readership who is far more likely to have seen Ocean's 12 than Brokeback Mountain. I was suggesting that People made a choice based on their lowest common denominator and not on the fact that George is actually sexier than Jake. 'Cause clearly no.

See, you guys think we just throw these things out there, but we're really trying to make some kind of social commentary here. :) OK, honestly, I came up that theory several hours after I actually wrote the damned thing, but for all I know, that COULD be why I wrote it... :D

kaydee said...

See, you guys think we just throw these things out there, but we're really trying to make some kind of social commentary here. :) OK, honestly, I came up that theory several hours after I actually wrote the damned thing, but for all I know, that COULD be why I wrote it... :D

i totally recognize your social involvement;P

and thanks for the explanation.

i too think they have to be dim to think that there's someone sexier than jake (i'm almost ashamed of myself for saying that)

phoebe said...

Yeah right!! Like there's anyone out there who's sexier than Jake! Please...

S4M985 said...

I totally agree with you PG. How dare they even consider anyone BUT jake! He should b number 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 and 10, no1 else even comes friggan close! Have they changed it yet?! haha