Saturday, October 28, 2006

AN EVENING WITH THE GILDED MOOSE

If there is one thing Jake Watch is ALL about it's hard hitting journalism. After the success of our last celebrity interview, imagine our excitement when we got a suspicious midnight phone call with heavy breathing from none other than star-stalker and sarc-miester extraordinaire The Gilded Moose!!

What he doesn't know about Jake Gyllenhaal (and Star Jones) isn't worth knowing. But what about his views, his opinions, his inner most desires? Read on to find out what happened when britpopbaby met Moose and asked him some stuff about Jake. Please ignore all references to prison rape.

Jake enjoys as much popularity as one could hope for at your blog. What do you think it is about the Gyllenhaal that people find so inoffensive and almost likeable? Is it his cow eyes?
I think people really like the fact that a black woman has come so far. That and he was great in "Mean Girls."

A few years back, everyone was like, 'Who the fuck is Jake Gyllenhaal?'. When do you think his big turning point came?
Probably the sex tape.

It helped George Clooney's career too. Now, Jake is regarded as a somewhat 'safe' and 'not coked-out' celebrity. What do you think he could do to 'raise his game' and ensure he's up there with the likes of Star Jones, Courtney Love and Firecrotch?
Well, my favorite paparazzi picture ever is the one from a few years ago where they had Courtney Love handcuffed to the stretcher after she OD'd again and she was, for some reason that must have been apparent to her but was not apparent to anyone else, wearing a wedding dress. This was also when she was mixing drug abuse and cosmetic surgery decisions which, incidentally, is not the best idea. God, I love that woman. So yeah, Jake should OD while wearing a wedding dress.

Maybe he can try that out at his sister's and his sister's fiancĂ©’s forthcoming nuptials? What about Jake's love life? We all orgasm over a big celebrity romance so who do you reckon Jake should get hitched to for 48 hours?
Anna Wintour. I always like those celebrity relationships that people are uncomfortable with but are forced to consider. I mean, I think they'd be cute together, don't you?

Like Liza Minelli and David Guest...only not? Yeah I guess; she's more attractive than Kirsten Dunst, I'll give her that. But I think she'd eat Jake for breakfast using this season's hottest Prada shoes as cutlery.

(brief pause as everyone pictures that)

Let's talk about Jake's career for a moment; we've discussed his turning point but what about his biggest accomplishment critically speaking? When you think 'Jake Gyllenhaal' which piece of cinematic art immediately comes to mind?
I really liked The Good Girl. I'm not sure why since it wasn't that great, but I still like it. I don't know... I don't think he's done anything "great" yet, but hopefully soon. I

Did you just stop mid-sentence there? I hope for your own safety you were being sarcastic.
Whoops, sorry. This is what happens when you give an interview from prison. I was being sarcastic! He was great in Donnie Darko but I'd like to see him in some more mainstream stuff, just, you know, for kicks.

Perhaps his own marital arts film franchise? With Owen Wilson? Or something with robots. Here is a controversial one for you; say Jake is gay, what do you think would happen to the world if he were to come out? Do you think everyone in South Carolina would burn their The Day After Tomorrow DVDs?

Off topic: I know a song about prison rape called, 'He Almost Looks Like You'

Thankfully, South Carolina is still using betamax, so, no, they won't be burning the new fangled DVD's. I'm sure no one would give a shit. Look at what it's done for Lance Bass and his eyebrows.
Off topic: that’s sounds good, although some readers were mad at me for making a rape joke so I'll refrain from commenting .. sheesh, what is the world coming too? I mean, 'The Producers' was in the 60's and they were doing nazi jokes. We're totally regressing.

Prison rape is funny, especially if Michael Clarke Duncan makes you his bitch. Speaking of bitches, are you outraged or incensed or both that Jake has left his beloved sidekicks, Atticus and Boo, alone in LA for so long whilst he jaunts around the world? Should we ring the animal cops?
Yes! Since that means he's left them in the care of Kirsten Dunst. But, then again, after I saw Marie Antoinette maybe she's good with dogs. Wait... was her dog in that flick Boo? Holy shit I think I've just unearthed some breaking news as we speak.

Holy shit you've just confused me! I like to think Boo and Atticus are whoring it out at that special doggy hotel where they get back rubs and pedicures by illegal immigrants, either that or he sold them into the Chinese fur trade. Should we get down to the nitty gritty stuff? The real issues? What coffee does Jake drink from Coffee Bean?
Hmm... I think he's seasonal. Pumpkin Latte in the fall. Mint Breezer for spring. Mango Quencher in summer... you know, mix it up. Live free.

You'll have to excuse me as I'm from the old world - does that shit seriously exist? Maybe he drinks tea? What do you think about Jake's relationship with Matty McCoganinny and Lance (the riding one)? I only have one more question for you after this so make the most of it.
Yes. It's real. never underestimate our ability to commercialize anything, even the various seasons. That said, the Starbucks pumpkin spice latte is better than The Beatles. I think those publicity friendships are weird. Like, they're totally fake and everyone knows it but I just feel for them. Having to hang out with people you don't like just so people can take your picture - it’s like Christmastime for everyone else. And I'm against those little yellow wrist bands that support Lance's balls. Do you have those there? I hope you set up a naval blockade.

We only use them to ping at Bob Geldof's smug face when we run out of the white ones. And when we run out of Bob Geldof face we move onto Bono face. I'm not a big fan of any kind of charity, except, obviously saving the Red Panda
.

(brief pause whilst britpopbaby makes her 'I'm gonna get you Geldof' face)

Looking to the future for Jake, we here at Jake Watch see him as President of the World (currently known as President of the USA). Are we bat shit crazy or right on the money? Can he beat Oprah to being the first female black lesbian president?
Well, I kind of feel bad talking about Jake at all, considering the recent news that he was just eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks. Oh, well.

Dude, maybe we should get some commerative plastic wrist bands with all donations going to us?
Yeah. I think the best way to commemorate a tragic celebrity death is always through cheap, brightly colored plastic wristbands. It's what Jesus would've wanted.

And Bono, who let's face it, is more important than Jesus.

(brief pause to debate who is more important, Bono or Jesus. Conclusion: Bono)

I guess we've exhausted the Jake line of questioning - anything else you'd like to make known before we call it a puggle?
Well, first of all, thanks for the interview. Prison can get lonely, so this helps. I guess if there's one thing I'd like people to know is to not believe the rumors about The Gilded Moose African Adoption Scandal. That fucking baby is mine, fair and square.

Maybe you'd like to say something in remembrance of Jake?
Well, even though he is now just shreds of flesh at the bottom of a hammerhead shark tank, we'll always remember him as Maggie's brother. Goodbye Jake!

Thanks for your time, Moose. I know they limit internet access in prison, especially to me after they caught me repeatedly trying to marry inmates on death row, so I really appreciate it. But what am I supposed to do with my blog now Jake is dead?
DEAD JAKE WATCH!

I think you've been away from civilised society for too long. I was thinking 'Carmine Giovinazzo Watch' or how about 'Ashley Angel Parker Watch'?
Kirsten Dunst Watch? There's probably no one doing that.

No offence but I’d rather watch threads of my lovely Jakey swirling around in a bloody pool. Thanks, Moose, this one's for you...

There's a full moon shining down on a stainless toliet bowl
This 8 by 12 room shrinks everytime that I've been on parole

It was a snaffu now I'm missing you and holed up in this Penn
And there's a tattoo on my ass that says that I belong to him

My cell mate beats me black and blue, but in the dark it's true...
He almost looks like you...oo,oo,oo,oo...

70 comments:

Anonymous said...

waht the hell is this? Is this supposed to be funny and I'm seriously missing it?

Anonymous said...

Maybe the Gilded Moose should get on this to find out if this is the same brunette from NY! From the Defamer 10/26. 2 sightings: One of Jake solo having breakfast and the second, later on in the day with a cute short brunette and friends:

http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/bryan-singer/hollywood-privacywatch-bryan-singer-and-friends-duck-third-period-at-hugos-210770.php

The Bearded Lady said...

^ your seriously missing it? ;)

Anonymous said...

Any JW agents in L.A.? it looks like Greta is in LA with Jake!

BTW: I get it, still not funny. Jake's online fandom has really taken a nosedive since babygate, IHJ, DC, now JW. sigh.

The Bearded Lady said...

Affixing a black arm band to share in your morosity.

Simon Agent 002 said...

Brit, I loved it. and if I were to tell you how great I think you've done here...
you would dismiss me as just sucking up.

P.S.> Don't you hate the children tugging at your sleeve while you are talking to the adults?

playitagain said...

well I thot it was funny...of course, Im sitting out a rainstorm in Western Massachusetts, so my mood is dark.. lov'd that song! is it for real? crack'd me up!

Kendra said...

Kirsten Dunst Watch?? If someday I'm tired of Jake, that would be an entertaining project.

Anonymous said...

6:21PM: It's dead on the DC too I see. Let's face it, Jake's fandom is in a new phase: a decrease in Pap pics, sightings in posh, trendy places and beautiful but non-actress types sorrunding him. He has been seeing Greta Caruso for a bit, we are just now seeing her, hes very protective of her.

PS: Brit is still peeved at Papa I see.

The Bearded Lady said...

Papa has a totally different meaning in prison lingo.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, ANON 6:03. I was sorta wondering that myself...that probably explains it, and why I didn't find any of it funny.

kaydee said...

i have no idea what it was about, but it is funny in a weird sorta way.

Pumpkin Latte in the fall. Mint Breezer for spring. Mango Quencher in summer...

do they really drink that stuff in the us?! what about plain old tea? or coffee?

otherwise, i'm not entirely sure i understand any of it. perhaps i'll just go and have a stiff drink, then come back&read it again. maybe i'll understand all the stuff then...

Anonymous said...

hehehe ....passing Kaydee the vodka...or would you prefer the whiskey, sweetheart...? ;-)

bubblegirl said...

Did that mean that Jake is dead at Jake Watch? Meaning you are not watching him anymore?c

kaydee said...

@6:59:

i get drunk after a glass of wine, so i think that vodka or whiskey would make it impossible for me to even find my computer, not to speak of reading anything...

so, a glass of nice french bubbly and i will read it once again with my horizons suitably broadened by alcohol;)

Simon Agent 002 said...

^ trade ya a swig for a cigarette?

Anonymous said...

...passing both bottles to Simon and accepting the cigarette. ;)

amerita said...

wtf? seriously...

Simon Agent 002 said...

Amerita, What ya in for?

kaydee said...

i see i came out as a bore: don't drink, don't smoke... yawn

but now that i had a glass of wine, the party can begin:

Probably the sex tape

uh, wouldn't i like to see that

Jake should OD while wearing a wedding dress.

i can just see that one. and he would probably still look good damn him

But I think she'd eat Jake for breakfast using this season's hottest Prada shoes as cutlery.

i would, too

Prison rape is funny

i must be veeery drunk, because it fucking is

Starbucks pumpkin spice latte is better than The Beatles

now that's fucking blasphemy

we here at Jake Watch see him as President of the World

and he certainly wouldn't be worse that the current one

And Bono, who let's face it, is more important than Jesus

no beatles are more important than jesus.

and chocolate is too


'Who the fuck is Jake Gyllenhaal?'.

amen, sister

i'm getting verbose when drunk

JoyceDavenport said...

'and I'm against those little yellow wristbands that support Lance's balls'.

Amen to that bro. For those who don't 'get it' get with it and visit the other funniest blog in the Universe. Moose rules- alongside JW- (matching thrones like Posh and Becks).

Dc & wft poster said...

Great stuff Britpopbaby, truly surreal.

Anonymous said...

Brit - funny/lazy ass anon here:

That was seriously one of your funniest posts - incredibly well done.
I have no idea what you ate and/or drank and/or smoked - but keep it up that was some FUCKING GOOD WRITING.

Now you're kinda of screwed - cuz I'll expect that level of awesome display of talent from here on out.
Stay hooked to Gilded Moose - I see a blog tag team match in heaven.

Kaydee I loved you response post!!!

But seriously Kaydee - Starbucks pumpkin spice latte is better than The Beatles....okay maybe just Oasis.

And 5:47p Anon - you missed it - you fucking missed it.

Anonymous said...

Too many bitter pills. Just chuck JW, Brit it ain't pretty.

Anonymous said...

iheartjakemedia.com is GONE!
Some fool has it now for something else.

Uh oh-----I see fall out.

The Sky is FALLING!!!
The Sky is FALLING!!!
The Sky is FALLING!!!

Anonymous said...

This was one of your most brilliant exercises!!! I was laughing out loud. Of course, the fact that my sense of humor is attuned to both Brit and GM is a cause for concern amongst some.
I would like to volunteer to arrange a candlelight vigil outside the prison walls in time for Halloween on Gilded Moose's behalf. We will meet at midnight and sing "The Fields of Athenry!"

Anonymous said...

"...our love was on the wing,"
"We had dreams and songs to sing,"
"It's so lonely on the fields of Anthenry!"

Anonymous said...

"...our love was on the wing,"
"We had dreams and songs to sing,"
"It's so lonely on the fields of Athenry!"

Anonymous said...

okay that iheartjakemedia.com .. how do you lose a site other than not renew it?

Did Stephen just totally screw it up for Jake with his fans?

I see a Gyllenhaal Fallout and it any pretty.

kaydee said...

funny&lazy anon, nice to hear from you again!

Starbucks pumpkin spice latte is better than The Beatles....okay maybe just Oasis.

1.no blasphemizing (if the word doesn't exist, well hell it should!) against the beatles!
2. pumpkin is only good for carving those silly faces for halloween (only seen them in films as am not american, though)
3.only drink tea myself (or some wine like today and it screws with my grammar and spelling abilities, not that it ever was any good), but find it strange that ppl choose to put such bizarre stuff into their coffee (do you - the cheese-lover that you are - put cheese in yur morning coffee? it would be very nutritious and certainly better than oasis or bono, but you don't right? if god wanted us to drink pumpkin coffee, she would mix it herself!
4.don't care for oasis

Anonymous said...

the guilded moose is not very funny. brit is the shit tho!

Prophecy Girl said...

What kaydee said. No more fancy coffee drinks!!

Prophecy Girl said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
playaitagain said...

is brit pop still pissed at Pop, I dunno, but I am, and JG sauntering down sixth avenue or wherever without his underwear is not going to change the subject.

kaydee said...

JG sauntering down sixth avenue or wherever without his underwear

without underwear? you seen it and are still alive?

is it legal in the states?

(for those of you unfamiliar with my drunken sense of humour, i did get it, only kidding, so don't explain that he didn't have underwear but had his trousers on)

wait, so how do you know he didn't have knickers on if he still had trousers? did you study his pics with a magnifying glass o smth? now that's obsessive, bad bad girls

playitagain said...

you dont even need a magnifying glass. praise the lord.

kaydee said...

you dont even need a magnifying glass. praise the lord.

i did't mean you needed a magnifying glass to find it *blushes*

Anonymous said...

IHJ is still there, just a glich in thwe media section.

playagain said...

not to dwell on this subject, but it seems to me that both babygate and Jake going commando on Sixth Avenue is a droll move by the G's to distract from Papagate.

sorta like that bird that lives in the grass, what is it? mama bird goes hopping about pretending to have a broken wing to distract predictors from the babe in the nest or an embarassig faux Pa.

sorry, Im trying to be good

playitagain said...

and what is all tbis blushing, kaydee, the boy is setting a new style, and it's about time!

Anonymous said...

lazyass anon here:

Cheese in coffee ... KAYDEE!!
Now you had to go create evil thoughts in my head ... I guess you could work the idea into a espresso cheesy fondue - something you could dip a nice savory scone into!

Hey god didn't go and take arabica beans and brew it with water - but he did give us sick thoughts - probably just us crazy ass USA folks - of infusing our coffees with everything. I mean if Sinatra can spend his final days doing duets with everyone from Bono to Sinead OConnor then you know we like everyting in combos. Its our way to multitask - even if it means take heretical means against coffee... I mean haven;t seen what we did with cereal lately - there's more marshmallow than cereal for gods sake!

kaydee said...

we like everyting in combos.

recently i've seen a fashion show where a model was wearing a bathing suit pants with a turtleneck (connected by some thin straps half covering her nipples)and i'm not kidding here. is that what you mean?

espresso cheesy fondue can well make me go off coffee for good. i mean - every time i see it, i will think about that disgusting idea...

god indeed seems to have given us all(not anly theAmericans i'm afraid to say)some sick thoughts - think i can blame all my sick thoughts on Her?

SquallCloud said...

Ya gotta be a Moose fan to get it and luckily I am one. Great stuff Brits. I'm Moose's OTHER black fan. WontingWitch holds it down and I'm the back-up :o)

Re: Grinhilda or whatever the fuck that child's name is... Okay yah I gave my blessings becaus she's hot in a totally real non-hollywood way but eh I'm retracting them. Jake should just hang out with his friends and if he just absolutely has to have the poontang he needs to just sneak hookers to his house like I do. >:o(

Anonymous said...

Iheartjake.com is there - I meant Iheartjakemedia.com isn't there (thats the gallery with the photos)

Biohazard said...

According to Ally at IHJ -

I came home and found that IHeartJakeMedia.Com has expired. NO we did not loose our gallery and no this was not done on purpose. I was never notified by my domain provider that my URL was expiring and I basically forgot.

Will be fixed soon I hope.

As for babygate, lots of people are still just that little bit upset. But let's not pick over the scab or it'll never heal.

SquallCloud said...

Good advice biohazard.

Anonymous said...

Lazy ass Anon here again:

I'm gonna add 'unfocused' to my list of self addressed adjectives...because apparently I have not focused enough on my love of cheese AND combo anything - much less cheese combined with anything for that matter.

Kaydee - that lil number you described sounds awful - comparable to to swiss cheese - just too many openings for my taste in that combo..although ham and swiss is quite good in which case - I (being a ham) would look divine in that lil out fit (being swiss cheese!). It all works - how did you know?

Its the circle of cheese - I mean - life isn't it?

Anonymous said...

LAUFA (Lazy Ass Un-Focused Anon) here:

BTW everyone EXORCIST IS ON AMC on US Cable!!! Watch it if you got it!

mpom said...

This was also when she was mixing drug abuse and cosmetic surgery decisions which, incidentally, is not the best idea. God, I love that woman. So yeah, Jake should OD while wearing a wedding dress.

This is all too funny, but for some reason I got the biggest laugh from the above.. I can't stop laughing.

littleguitar said...

Ok, I thought this was hillarious! The past two interviews have been brilliant, keep it coming!

It's what Jesus would've wanted.

LOL!

~DKBB~ said...

OMG! I've had a less-than-stellar time lately, and this interview with The Gilded Moose (my HERO!) is such a wonderful treat! Brilliant!! :)

Anonymous said...

Why do people think this has anything to do with Papa?

It's GM and JW mayhem! I love it. They should take over the world.

For anyone who is still having trouble:

http://thegildedmoose.
blogspot.com/2006/10/
tragedy-all-celebrities
-dead-every.html

Anonymous said...

1:39AM: Her name is Greta Caruso Squall but you already know that. I guess you take back your approval because you have read that he is back in L.A. and according to several sightings he is in L.A. with him. It sounds serious so you back track, before you probably thought she was his PA. Leave the man alone already if he's happy, don't start smearing her as I know it will happen here IHJ and DC. Keep your fantasies to slash.

Anonymous said...

11:53AM Here. I meant to say She is in L.A. with him.And I repeat, leave them alone.

Newport Girl said...

"Do they really drink that stuff in the US?! What about plain old tea? Or coffee?"

Pumpkin Latte, Mint Breezer, Mango Quencher: Well, they offer them, but I haven't had any yet, as I love my Frapps and Capps and Expressos. I'll try the Pumpkin Latte and let you know how it is. But I ABSOLUTELY HATE ANYTHING MINT, so you'll have to get another guinea pig for the Breezer. Chai is probably the most popular tea right now, but most people drink coffee, and lots of it.

"Perhaps his own marital arts film franchise? With Owen Wilson? Or something with robots."

Yeah, I love misspellings, too -- they give a totally different take on things: JG in a MARITAL arts film with Owen Wilson, or maybe robots. Will we get hot sex scenes or just fights about money and whose turn it is to take out the trash?

different decade, same shit said...

I was always amused at The Gilded Moose need to point out that they actually had a few African-American readers. It's like they were surprised, I wonder why?

Anonymous said...

more crap bratpop.never want to visit here agin.so won't be.thrilled?

The Bearded Lady said...

^ if I thought you'd do just that, I might just dance a happy jig.

But, I've had my hopes dashed before.

Anonymous said...

What does that even mean? Has the troll been drinking again?

nice anonymous said...

Yay! My two daily "must visit" blogs do a duet together: The Gilded Moose and JakeWatch.

Apparently, I'm in the minority on this one, but I thought it was hilarious.

SquallCloud said...



1:39AM: Her name is Greta Caruso Squall but you already know that. I guess you take back your approval because you have read that he is back in L.A. and according to several sightings he is in L.A. with him. It sounds serious so you back track, before you probably thought she was his PA. Leave the man alone already if he's happy, don't start smearing her as I know it will happen here IHJ and DC. Keep your fantasies to slash.

11:53 AM
Anonymous said...

11:53AM Here. I meant to say She is in L.A. with him.And I repeat, leave them alone.


LOL! Ummm okay sweety hush up now the grown folks are talking.

Anonymous said...

11:20:PM Um, grown up? Who is the one bent out of shape over the thought that he is dating an icky girl? Don't you have some tests to grade or something? Geez, so much for US education.

PS: Why don't you ask The Gilded moose why he keeps highlighting the fact that they have a few African-American readers, they seemed surprised or maybe you don't want to touch that Squall.

Wet For Went said...

LOL, that was fabulous BPB. Long live The Gilded Moose!

Anonymous said...

^^ Okay, I'm speaking up for Squall, even though I know she doesn't need it. But I love her and her posts.

ANON 11:58 p.m., you're an idiot and an ass!

Sorry Squall, I know you're too classy to say what I just said, but I just got to fuming. ;)

Wet For Went said...

Oh and I just had a Pumpkin Latte yesterday in NYC when I went to see The Color Purple (which was fabulous by the way) so yeah, we drink it and it's awesome! Anon, you seem to be everywhere...why don't you go troll over at my site on the slash post? I did it JUST for you. The GM highlighting its black readers is a repetitive shout out that never gets old, lol. Obviously they have many more readers than commenters...like every blog...of which I'm sure MANY are African-American. SquallCloud was joking about the brunette chick Jake has been seen with. Is all humor lost on you?

SquallCloud said...

Thanks Anon 12:22 and WfW. Hey, I like icky girls! Fuck I AM an icky girl so if Jake HAS to get him some girl lovin' than I'md down with it. as W4W/Wontingwitch so clearly pointed out I was joking. But you are also right too I love me some Jakeslash and boytouching esp when it involves Jake ... And your point is?

I don't think this is the same troll that tends to haunt Jake related sites... maybe it is I can't tell actually. This one actually seems coherant (So good on you troll) and has a mad on for me personally so that's new. Maybe it's the same troll who hates both me and Adrian over at the DC. Oh Trolly dear, care to shed some light?

Anonymous said...

^ Anon 12:22 saying, my pleasure Squall. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Is Greta Caruso the daughter of Rachel Ticotin and David Caruso?

Anonymous said...

^ Yes, she is, so I've heard. :)

J said...

I loved this post: JakeWatch & Moosie goodness = perfect combo.

Hooray for Le Moose and both his black fans!