If there is one thing Jake Watch is ALL about it's hard hitting journalism. After the success of our last celebrity interview, imagine our excitement when we got a suspicious midnight phone call with heavy breathing from none other than star-stalker and sarc-miester extraordinaire The Gilded Moose!!
What he doesn't know about Jake Gyllenhaal (and Star Jones) isn't worth knowing. But what about his views, his opinions, his inner most desires? Read on to find out what happened when britpopbaby met Moose and asked him some stuff about Jake. Please ignore all references to prison rape.
Jake enjoys as much popularity as one could hope for at your blog. What do you think it is about the Gyllenhaal that people find so inoffensive and almost likeable? Is it his cow eyes?
I think people really like the fact that a black woman has come so far. That and he was great in "Mean Girls."
A few years back, everyone was like, 'Who the fuck is Jake Gyllenhaal?'. When do you think his big turning point came?
Probably the sex tape.
It helped George Clooney's career too. Now, Jake is regarded as a somewhat 'safe' and 'not coked-out' celebrity. What do you think he could do to 'raise his game' and ensure he's up there with the likes of Star Jones, Courtney Love and Firecrotch?
Well, my favorite paparazzi picture ever is the one from a few years ago where they had Courtney Love handcuffed to the stretcher after she OD'd again and she was, for some reason that must have been apparent to her but was not apparent to anyone else, wearing a wedding dress. This was also when she was mixing drug abuse and cosmetic surgery decisions which, incidentally, is not the best idea. God, I love that woman. So yeah, Jake should OD while wearing a wedding dress.
Maybe he can try that out at his sister's and his sister's fiancé’s forthcoming nuptials? What about Jake's love life? We all orgasm over a big celebrity romance so who do you reckon Jake should get hitched to for 48 hours?
Anna Wintour. I always like those celebrity relationships that people are uncomfortable with but are forced to consider. I mean, I think they'd be cute together, don't you?
Like Liza Minelli and David Guest...only not? Yeah I guess; she's more attractive than Kirsten Dunst, I'll give her that. But I think she'd eat Jake for breakfast using this season's hottest Prada shoes as cutlery.
(brief pause as everyone pictures that)
Let's talk about Jake's career for a moment; we've discussed his turning point but what about his biggest accomplishment critically speaking? When you think 'Jake Gyllenhaal' which piece of cinematic art immediately comes to mind?
I really liked The Good Girl. I'm not sure why since it wasn't that great, but I still like it. I don't know... I don't think he's done anything "great" yet, but hopefully soon. I
Did you just stop mid-sentence there? I hope for your own safety you were being sarcastic.
Whoops, sorry. This is what happens when you give an interview from prison. I was being sarcastic! He was great in Donnie Darko but I'd like to see him in some more mainstream stuff, just, you know, for kicks.
Perhaps his own marital arts film franchise? With Owen Wilson? Or something with robots. Here is a controversial one for you; say Jake is gay, what do you think would happen to the world if he were to come out? Do you think everyone in South Carolina would burn their The Day After Tomorrow DVDs?
Off topic: I know a song about prison rape called, 'He Almost Looks Like You'
Thankfully, South Carolina is still using betamax, so, no, they won't be burning the new fangled DVD's. I'm sure no one would give a shit. Look at what it's done for Lance Bass and his eyebrows.
Off topic: that’s sounds good, although some readers were mad at me for making a rape joke so I'll refrain from commenting .. sheesh, what is the world coming too? I mean, 'The Producers' was in the 60's and they were doing nazi jokes. We're totally regressing.
Prison rape is funny, especially if Michael Clarke Duncan makes you his bitch. Speaking of bitches, are you outraged or incensed or both that Jake has left his beloved sidekicks, Atticus and Boo, alone in LA for so long whilst he jaunts around the world? Should we ring the animal cops?
Yes! Since that means he's left them in the care of Kirsten Dunst. But, then again, after I saw Marie Antoinette maybe she's good with dogs. Wait... was her dog in that flick Boo? Holy shit I think I've just unearthed some breaking news as we speak.
Holy shit you've just confused me! I like to think Boo and Atticus are whoring it out at that special doggy hotel where they get back rubs and pedicures by illegal immigrants, either that or he sold them into the Chinese fur trade. Should we get down to the nitty gritty stuff? The real issues? What coffee does Jake drink from Coffee Bean?
Hmm... I think he's seasonal. Pumpkin Latte in the fall. Mint Breezer for spring. Mango Quencher in summer... you know, mix it up. Live free.
You'll have to excuse me as I'm from the old world - does that shit seriously exist? Maybe he drinks tea? What do you think about Jake's relationship with Matty McCoganinny and Lance (the riding one)? I only have one more question for you after this so make the most of it.
Yes. It's real. never underestimate our ability to commercialize anything, even the various seasons. That said, the Starbucks pumpkin spice latte is better than The Beatles. I think those publicity friendships are weird. Like, they're totally fake and everyone knows it but I just feel for them. Having to hang out with people you don't like just so people can take your picture - it’s like Christmastime for everyone else. And I'm against those little yellow wrist bands that support Lance's balls. Do you have those there? I hope you set up a naval blockade.
We only use them to ping at Bob Geldof's smug face when we run out of the white ones. And when we run out of Bob Geldof face we move onto Bono face. I'm not a big fan of any kind of charity, except, obviously saving the Red Panda.
(brief pause whilst britpopbaby makes her 'I'm gonna get you Geldof' face)
Looking to the future for Jake, we here at Jake Watch see him as President of the World (currently known as President of the USA). Are we bat shit crazy or right on the money? Can he beat Oprah to being the first female black lesbian president?
Well, I kind of feel bad talking about Jake at all, considering the recent news that he was just eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks. Oh, well.
Dude, maybe we should get some commerative plastic wrist bands with all donations going to us?
Yeah. I think the best way to commemorate a tragic celebrity death is always through cheap, brightly colored plastic wristbands. It's what Jesus would've wanted.
And Bono, who let's face it, is more important than Jesus.
(brief pause to debate who is more important, Bono or Jesus. Conclusion: Bono)
I guess we've exhausted the Jake line of questioning - anything else you'd like to make known before we call it a puggle?
Well, first of all, thanks for the interview. Prison can get lonely, so this helps. I guess if there's one thing I'd like people to know is to not believe the rumors about The Gilded Moose African Adoption Scandal. That fucking baby is mine, fair and square.
Maybe you'd like to say something in remembrance of Jake?
Well, even though he is now just shreds of flesh at the bottom of a hammerhead shark tank, we'll always remember him as Maggie's brother. Goodbye Jake!
Thanks for your time, Moose. I know they limit internet access in prison, especially to me after they caught me repeatedly trying to marry inmates on death row, so I really appreciate it. But what am I supposed to do with my blog now Jake is dead?
DEAD JAKE WATCH!
I think you've been away from civilised society for too long. I was thinking 'Carmine Giovinazzo Watch' or how about 'Ashley Angel Parker Watch'?
Kirsten Dunst Watch? There's probably no one doing that.
No offence but I’d rather watch threads of my lovely Jakey swirling around in a bloody pool. Thanks, Moose, this one's for you...
There's a full moon shining down on a stainless toliet bowl
This 8 by 12 room shrinks everytime that I've been on parole
It was a snaffu now I'm missing you and holed up in this Penn
And there's a tattoo on my ass that says that I belong to him
My cell mate beats me black and blue, but in the dark it's true...
He almost looks like you...oo,oo,oo,oo...