Thursday, May 04, 2006

BRITPOPBABY'S REASON # 36 TO HATE PALTROW


I hate your name, I hate the fact that you're so naturally beautiful, I hate that you call whining 'acting', I hated that pink dress you wore to the Oscars the year you won and then that goth one you wore the year after, I hated the fact that you won an Oscar for a role that wasn't even that good, I hate Coldplay, I hate your macrobiotic diet or whatever the fuck it is that you can't even eat cheese, I hate what you've called your kids, I hate the sound of your voice and I hate the fact that you've done the deed with every man I ever loved: Chinny Affleck, Joseph Fiennes, Luke Wilson, Jack Black, Ewan McGregor, Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom and of course, the Gyllenhaal.
Alright, so 'hate' is a bit of a strong word but just don't cross me down a dark alley at night, okay, Paltrow?

41 comments:

mossy said...

Oh my god, look at that bicep! Not to mention that profile in the shadows...I'd love to have him use my chin as a sexy, sexy fulcrum, whatever you need to get you there, baby. I'm sorry, what was the question?

Whenever I see stills from this scene, I just remember her comparing herself to a "smelly cheese" only moments before and Hal still slept with her in full seduction mode. What the hell! Eurgh. But then I remind myself that it's a play - "I say, I am but a smelly cheese!" "Hush, wench, I am removing your bloomers!"

As for Gwenyth, I don't actually hate her, but I'm not big on being reminded of GWENYTH and THE WHOLE GWENYTH REASONS FOR EXISTANCE AND BETTERMENT OF THE WORLD BY VIRTUE OF ALL THINGS GWENYTH CHRIS AND ASSORTED KIDS AND SPROUTS. And I'm vegetarian and didn't mind Coldplay in the early days. Yeah.

wtbgirl said...

I freely admit I can't stand her, but I do have my reasons other than she made out with Jake and I have not (OK fake movie make-out but still ... his lips and body touched hers).

I sat next to that bee-yatch at the now-defunct restaurant Veruka several years back (at the tail end of the Affleck era). She was SOOOOOO horribly rude to the poor waiter (also our waiter) that I wanted to hurl my penne a la vodka at her (this was also a pre-vegetarian Paltrow btw).

I forced myself to sit through Proof ONLY for Jakie-poo and his drum-playing (and biceps, and lips ....)

Anonymous said...

You don't like her then?

Anonymous said...

LMAO That was great!

cina said...

Her middle name should be "Boring".

Jake on the other hand is a total DREAM in Proof. Dear GOD, how beautiful can one person be?!? I didn't particularly like the film, but it WAS the film that pushed me over the edge completely when it comes to my love for Jake. Sweet Jesus, I start speaking in tounges when I watch him as Hal, and I sit there with a totally silly, goofy smile on my face that I just can't wipe off. Oh shit, I get palpitations just thinking about it! *fans herself*

Prophecy Girl said...

Wtbgirl, that is so wrong! I hate it when celebrities are assholes.

I also find Gwenyth unbelievably hard to stomach. The fact that her character in Proof was a complete bitch and fucking CRIED after having sex with Jake/Hal didn't help, either. But, oh my God, the scene up in her bedroom where he sort rushes in for a kiss and then is all like, "I'm sorry; I'm a little drunk..." Be still my heart! I could have so much fun reinacting Jake's love scenes with him...

Anonymous said...

Loved the play on Broadway with Mary Louise Parker. Haven't seen the movie yet, which is an unconscionable ommission on my part, because I do like looking at Jakey while he's simulating sex, with whatever gender (or even all by himself). You can put up pictures like this any time, Britpopbaby. I just substitute myself for whoever's under him at the time.

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen the movie but now I will - Jake makes me melt...

JonboySF said...

Here here! Thanks for saying what we're all thinking.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't mad about the film.Only watched it 47 times to see the Gyllenhaal beauty.How can Gwen(Jake referred to her as GWENyth in an interview.Now i can't call her anything else)keep her eyes closed when those baby blues are above you.Is she MAD?
He has an adorable mouth.Don't you think.Could just sink into it.

Anonymous said...

You are so right about the egg/cheese thing.I hated it.Have to fast forward so i don't hear it.
"Urgh"

SquallCloud said...

*whines* But Coldplay is like the best band ever! Okay fine. *hmph* Yah, Paltrow is overrated and how dare she get to simulate the rumpy pumpy with le Gyllenhaal!

kokodee said...

Oh a little love for GWYNeth please. Proof wasn't that bad, it just didn't transfer well to the big screen. I saw the west end version, with Gwyneth on stage and she was pretty good.
But no, I'm not particularly fond of her or her acting in general either, however she DID make out with all em' gorgeous alpha males (chinny Affleck? LMAO!)
Gotta love her at least for having taste.

kokodee said...

One more thing I really, really , really HATE coldplay! I mean really! (sorry squallcloud)

miffed67 said...

I volunteet to Take. Her. OUT.

SquallCloud said...

awww it's okay kokodee, I think I'm just corny and have no edge. That arm is the stuff of dreams. Wet ones.

Chantelle said...

Ahh poor Gwynie. Very stange, I hated Gwyneth Paltrow, she was far too much of a wet mop for me, though she did have excellent taste in music *Coldplay* and the most beautiful daughter in existence. But I enjoyed her in Emma. And since seeing Proof, I have nothing against and am even defending her to the people that a few months ago, I would have been throwing rocks with. I think I'm going through a quarterlife crisis...

SquallCloud said...

Proof was pretentious but it had it's shining moments. Hal was an idiot. A sexy wanna rip my clothes off and offer myself to him like a sacrifice at a bacchanal idiot - but an idiot nonetheless. I mean when he said "There's nothing wrong with you!" Although he looked devistatingly good saying it, I was like "WTF, dude are you even listening? Stinky cheese is her pillow talk! She's weepy and disheveled everytime you see her. Bitch crazy."

~DKBB~ said...

Oh my...*fans self*...that's almost too hot for this old lady. But oh, the fantasties it will fuel!

Didn't like Gwenyth in "Proof," but found Jake fun to watch - and quite enjoyed watching Sir Anthony Hopkins chewing up the scenery.

Chantelle said...

*I mean when he said "There's nothing wrong with you!" Although he looked devistatingly good saying it, I was like "WTF, dude are you even listening? Stinky cheese is her pillow talk! She's weepy and disheveled everytime you see her. Bitch crazy."*

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jla said...

Damn... do yall see the muscle definition in his bicep??? Now I have to go change my panites... Thanks alot britpop!

jla said...

see what I mean...I was so flustered I couldn't even spell panties right. That's the Jake effect!! Damn you jakey for being so sexy and so very unattainable!

britpopbaby said...

If you really want to get yourself worked up you can watch the scene over at youtube.

tankergirl said...

This film goes by super fast if you just ffwd thru all the boring Paltrow-Hopkins stuff. You only need to see that stuff once. But the Hal scenes are compellingly re-watchable. I'LL go joggin with you Hal! I'LL come see your geek band! I"LL go to breakfast with you!
This film actually plucks my ROMANTIC Gyllenhaal strings. I just melt over that "I want to spend as much time with you as possible," business. Oh, me me me me me me me me me!!!
Besides, I could snap this boney bitch in two, single handed, drinking a latte, no spilling.

SquallCloud said...

Your right tankergirl. Ya know another movie that's just like that? "Lovely & Amazing" Okay "Proof" was actually kind of interesting to me but L&A was so much blippity blab so luckily for all us Gyllenstalkers, Jake's scenes happen all at the act break... or rather the arbitrary DVD skip break. So you don't have to listen to Keener and the rest whine and bitch and irrevocably scar that little fat black girl. ...I was once a little fat black girl and I just felt so bad for that mixed up kid but now I don't have to suffer through all that bullshit when Jailbait!Jakey is right at my fingertips.

Also mossy I snorted while I laughed at the reinterpretation of the smelly cheese line.

mossy said...

squallcloud ~ I was also quite disconcerted by the storyline in Lovely & Amazing involving the little girl. It just seemed a little too intent on tackling that issue head-on with no sugar coating and it ended up feeling a little disturbing. Jake's Jordan was pretty plain but I loved it when he and Catherine Keener's character (forget the name, but I love C.K.) were begining to make out and her home-made wrapping paper gets between them, Jordan pulling it out and breathing, "Oh my god, this is beautiful!" or something to that effect, lol! It was a line you could actually imagine Jake himself saying. And then pleading with the officer, "But I wanted it!" He just makes any part he has work with a natural magic.

And I should add (and why not, I live here now) that Jake really was to freakin' die for as Hal. Oh my god, yes, yes, yes. He was doing some "surface" acting there, imo, it didn't go too deep, so it was close to simply watching Jake. He actually seemed to glow on camera; gorgeous. It was weird witnessing the zero chemistry between him and Gwenyth, though.

mossy said...

Sorry, guys, some of my posts are a bit epic, I know, lol. :\ This place has become my one-stop, get-your-Jakey-ya-ya's-out lounge. I come for the Jake, I stay for the coffee, donuts and fellow Gyllenhaalics confessionals (not necessarily in that order).

jla said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jla said...

Mossy thanks for the confessional... I am sure we all agree that this site is like stalker group therapy or a cult, same difference! Nevertheless, mossy don't change a thing... I love your deep philosophical observations about all things Jake! btw squallcloud, I was once a chubby little black girl too... Wow!it's like one big, happy, dysfunctional, stalker fan family ;)

mossy said...

Aww, thank you, jla! Ooh, there's love in the lounge tonight! :D *feels the love*

Silver said...

I just loved watching him talk all math.. lol. He was just so adorable... matrices... you can proove my matrices wrong anytime Hal... anytime.

cina said...

LOL! It seems a little "Hal appreciation club" has surfaced! :-)

Anonymous said...

this site is like a cult

Silver said...

Hal appreciation club. I like that! I like that very much!

Lets all get together and appreciate Hal. Jake, come here...

mia said...

OMG, Jake looks divine here, Paltrow looks awful...like his mama

tankergirl said...

Squallcloud, I'm with you on L&A. There is a hilarious bit on the director commentary about how they chose Jake for the role. She describes how when he came in the room, they all began giggling like school girls, and they knew right then that he was the one.
I'm sure we can all relate!

kokodee said...

hehe, I must be the only one who enjoyed Lovely and Amazing, mostly because of brenda blethyn, (i loved her in secrets and lies and little voice)
And jake is an added bonus "..but she didn't rape me!, she's my girlfriend and we are having a serious relationship!" Lol
No wonder, the picked him for the part.

*I still hate Coldplay, for no apparent reason*

Anonymous said...

Life would be much better if more mathematicians had biceps like that.

I have no hatred for the ladies that Jake climbs atop in his love scenes. Even Gwyneth, for she inhabits a dream world that's quite far away from mine.

As does Jake.

SquallCloud said...

Jordan was just too adorable. I actually gasped when Jakey turned around with that hair and those eyes and that was an kickaass opening scene for him!

"Don't look at me like that. You said I look like your mom."

"My mom's cute."

*swoon* I know that entire scene by heart but I'll spare y'all. I wish Jake had said some more math stuff in Proof because hot smart guys are the shiz. Okay I'm an idiot, how do you get to old postings of brit's. I remember a hilarious one where she goes through all Jakes' causes trying to make us better people. Wanna re-read.

britpopbaby said...

You have to click on Archives for April and scroll down. I might give it it's own link in the sidebar so people know about Jake's causes.

Anneka said...

Anonymous dude above: What do you mean LIKE a cult?