Thursday, February 15, 2007

OVER MY ROTTING PANSIES

Good day my saucer-eyed sweetlings! It's moi, again, Madame Swiss, here to put rest any scandalous rumors that happen to swirl around the delicate auras of my dear, Jacob. He's such a sweet and sensitive boy that when I heard the latest nonsense (thank you, Senator!) about a supposed dinner date with one spicy Senorita, Penelope Cruz, in the city of cities I could hardly believe my hearing trumpet.

What would Jacob, gentle naive soul that he is, possibly find of interest with such a Latino love scrumpet! She looks likes she could could eat him for breakfast, brunch, lunch and afternoon iced teas! No this simply won't do. I'm not having that chaste cherub trapped in a web of sensual mischief and hot chicken-filled fajita South of the border lovin'. What do you mean she's not Mexican?

And in the infamous words of Mrs Livingston, 'She seems mighty proud of those boobies'.
I'm not even going to start on him for wearing nothing but a woollen and cap in that London climate!

54 comments:

Kendra said...

Dear Madame Swiss: that "señorita" isn't Mexican, she is a Spanish (madrileña) beauty, just like me (well, talking figuratively).

cina said...

"I could hardly believe my hearing trumpet" - LMFAO!! Madam Swiss, you're my favorite substitute for BP and PG!

He looks deleeesh in that picture, he has this sexy, hazy, somewhat dazed look. Yum. Come to mama... :p

S4M985 said...

How great is that pic! And the guy in it looks weird, looks like hes going in for a pash or something!
Thanks for putting the rumours to rest Madam Swiss, i knew u could rely on you ;) Add the Mrs livingston quote is just perfecto!

Anonymous said...

OT but have any of you ladies seen Ruby Wax's BAFTA red carpet interview with Jake and Ian McKellen? It's fab. On youtube under the title "Jake and the Jelly Fish"

Anonymous said...

You realise that's from last years bafta's right? But it's hilarious, yes!

Anonymous said...

1:18PM:Yes we have! It's posted on the Jake Forum!!

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know where the NEW interview is with Jake from Baftas - the one where interviewer is supposedly bowing on ground to HelenMirren and then Jake is interviewing with Sir Ian McKellan? (I wonder if that was awkward since McKellan's comment last yr!)

Anonymous said...

Madame Swiss you are hysterical!

Cruz is a lovely LOVELY senorita and the news rags need to get their filthy nasty mitts OFF her!!

Disarm them Madame Swiss! Send a dashing hero to declare a duel with those filthy swine.

Anonymous said...

1:55PM: Check out the Jake forum here, it's under "Jake at the Bafta" or check out IHJ.

cina said...
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cina said...
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jng said...

beautiful hot couple,
go Penelope!

smurfette said...

LOVE the mrs livingston quote-- so perfect! i mean, did y'all see the posed pics from the baftas? she was totally doing the boob lean-- definitely a "back away from my man" moment! haha. okay, i will crawl back into my crazy hole now. nah, penelope's cool. besides, i think they're just friends-- not that there's anything wrong with it otherwise... heh

Anonymous said...

Okay I did that synergy test...oh man this sounds like it could get kinky...

Love: 67
Friend: 50
Sex: 110 (Hell YEAH!)
Partner: 100 (Buddies with Bennies!)

apparently here's our best TYPES of relationships:
Professionally - partnership, Associates, TEAMMATES!(Yeah Swing batter batter batter), Me as a Consultant, Him as MY boss, Me as HIS Boss (this sounds kinky)

Okay Jake - we need to work together and apparently get Jack Nasty on!

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking that sounds more like the movie 'Secretary'!

(see above)

Anonymous said...

Cina, your right!! The "sexy, hazy, almost dazed look" is one of my TOP favorites. Kinda had that look in the Vanity Fair photo shoot. Gawd, he turns me on!!! And I'm lookin' at a frickin' photograph!!! I'd prolly have a seizure in real life!!! If I can't have him, the thought of Jake with Penelope Cruz doesn't bother me a bit, oddly enuf. They looked delicious together! Two very beautiful people. My favorite pairing remains Natalie Portman, but I could work with this...considering some of the alternatives!!! I mean. Think about it.

Anonymous said...

There will be a sign...it could be Penelope. Or Reese. Or Mia Maestro...or Natalie...or Jamie Lynn Sigler...or some other as yet unknown...but the sign will be that one day...in bad weather...a photo will appear... and whoever she is...she will be clad in spandex, with a helmet upon her head...and she will have yellow, Livestrong gear on her body, and she will be alone... cycling thru the Hills of Holly! And we will know.

Agent Krycek said...

Jake looks divine (as always) but that bloke standing next to him's strange shaped nostrils keep distracting me

Anonymous said...

Totally OT: But they just announced the first 13 names of Oscar presenters and no Jake. Clooney, Hugh Jackman, Daniel Craig, Will Ferrell, Eva Green, Reese, Cate Blanchett, Nicole Kidman, etc. The list isn't nearly complete yet. If he's home to do Letterman and Conan, even tho they are on the East Coast, and he participates in the premiere of Zodiac, all of that's so close to Oscar I can't imagine him not being there. And how could they not want him presenting. How could they not.

Anonymous said...

I doubt very much Jake would ever hook up with Penelope. She was with Matthew McConaughey for how long? I doubt Jake would ever cross that line.
;o)

I have been lurking around here for months and I LOVE this blog. You guys are so clever and hilarious. Thanks for all the smiles and flat out belly laughs.

city girl said...

No, not Penelope Cruz!!! She changes men like she (hopefully) changes her underwear.

Is there anyone out there in LaLa land who is perfect enough for Jake? I can't seem to think of one.

His eyes are so hypnotizing. That's a great photo of Jake.

smurfette said...

thanks for the oscar update, OT anon. okay, so who were the agents who did such a good job subliminally getting jake to the baftas by repeatedly chanting bafta, bafta a while back? we need you guys back-- altogether now, oscars, oscars! c'mon, people! a jake + robert downey jr or jake + mark ruffalo presentation would be the perfect zodiac promotion.

Anonymous said...

Mention of Matthew made me think. It's gotta be worse than high school. SO many "overlapping" relationships in H'wood. I remember reading Lance Armstrong asked Jennifer Anniston out after she broke up with Vince Vaughan and she said no, bcz she's friends with Cheryl Crow.I read that Kirsten Dunst is seeing the guy from SNL off and on again...and he and Jake are friends. And she dated Adam Levine a while ago. And then Orlando was seen with Kiki and allegedly was fooling around with her off and on while still with Kate Bosworth. Only now he's allegedly part of Jake's social circle and seeing Penelope. Whew!!!At some point you end up working together or being friends with someone. Then you're dating their ex or they're dating yours...very confusing...and not the place for someone who's a grudge holder. It's like a big Hippie Commune! LOL!

kokodee said...

So true anon so true.

I suppose when you are rich and famous there is a limited pool of potential partners, otherwise you have to go to 'civilian' territory and an endless worry of whether the civilian is attracted to you or your fame.

Anonymous said...

I read that Kirsten Dunst is seeing the guy from SNL off and on again...and he and Jake are friends. And she dated Adam Levine a while ago.

Also you forgot that Kirsten use to date Jake Hoffman who Jake became friends with while working with his dad Dustin Hoffman on Moonlight Mile. Also she dated Alex Greenwald from Donnie Darko who Jake also became friends with during that shoot.

Very incestuous indeed.

ncwoman said...

^^^Yah that K.D., she sure gets around.

Anonymous said...

EWWWW! Anon 5:34. And that's just Kirsten. So clearly, Jake knew her before he started dating her...which makes me wonder about the story that Maggie allegedly introduced them during Mona Lisa's Smile. And don't forget about the fact that Vince Vaughan was making Mr.s & Mrs. Smith ...with Brad and Angelina...Natalie did date Jake before he dated Kirsten but after Jenny Lewis, Jake goes to London to work with Hayden Christiansen, who then works with Natty in Star Wars and they date for a while...I wonder what the rules are, socially??? I mean, if you swear off dating anyone who dated a friend, you'd end up not dating anyone. And Mia Maestro was with some writer/producer type guy from NYC for a while who went to Columbia...with guess who...(MG)

Anonymous said...

7:05: People seem to forget that Jake and Natalie actually did date pre Kristen and Jenny Lewis. And isn't Dustin Hoffman's son named Jake as well? Didn't know about the guy Mia was seeing and Columbia/MG. Incestuous indeed!

sfgirl said...

Whoa, I'm getting dizzy : } This reads like the six degrees of dating Jake!

Anonymous said...

Like what else would you do? Some assistant lost the coupons for the Mc Donald's value meal.

Heads will roll.

Anonymous said...

oh, did jake and natalie portman date indeed? i am just so glad that i saw two pics of natalie and her boyfriend garcia something today leaving a berlin night club. that felt so good because there's hope as long as she is w someone else she wont hook up w jake... coz i would not like to see the two of them together. i'd rather see jake w someone else.

Anonymous said...

Jake and Natalie were really young then, she was 19 and he was 20. Again this was before Jenny Lewis and Kristen. If Jake and Natlie were thinking of getting together again, I think they would have done it by now. I also have to add that Natalie was "rumored" to be dating at one time that Levine guy from Maroon 5, a friend of Jake's and also Kristen dated the lead singer of the band Planet before Jake and after the other Jake, Hoffman's son , who also, you guessed it, a freind of Jake's!!!

Anonymous said...

good point, anon 7:26, that nat and jake would have been back together by now had they still romantic feelings for one another. they seem friendly to me but totally non-romantic, judging on photos from summer 2006.

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penny lane said...

Madame Swiss, wonderful post!

Anonymous said...

Dam my head hurts - stop effin talking about their love lives - I'm going to throw up I'm so damn dizzy.

Anonymous said...

First pics I ever saw of Jake and Natty were when she was 14 and he was 15. He had a huge crush on her for ages. You're right. When they were 19 -20 they dated. Problematic bcz of Columbia/Harvard thing. Pap pics of them in the Village arguing. Seemed like she was crying and he was all red faced and sweaty and really pissed, getting into a cab. He's with Kirsten. She's with Gael...who cheats and they've been on and off for three years. Gael's family is pushing the relationship.Right now, Gael is on good behavior. It won't last. Personally: I think there's a Natalie in Jake's future. And I would love it. I think they'd be perfect together. Totally.Think about it. Who does Mia Maestro look like?

Madame Swiss said...

Darlings please! You know how these rumors upset moi.

smurfette said...

whoa, how did a satirical post about jake and penelope turn into gossiping about jake and his whole circle of potential exes? what's the point of all this dizzying guesswork? half of those people/connections mentioned were “alleged”, and never confirmed. i admit that i kid about these things as much as the next person here, but i just don’t want us to turn into those fans who take gossip as truth and dissect his personal life as if i he were anything other than a stranger who we admire? sorry about getting serious and i hope i got my point across and didn’t offend anyone.

Anonymous said...

You're right, of course. We shouldn't be dissecting Jake's personal life. But some of it was dizzying fun. And I don't think it was done in a catty, vicious, snarky way.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I found all the "six degrees of separation" stuff highly amusing and satirical, too.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I found all the "six degrees of separation" stuff highly amusing and satirical, too.

smurfette said...

okay, cool. sorry if i overreacted.

heddaparsons said...

At first I thought that Madam Swiss post said "Over my rotting panties"! Yeah, Penelope and Jake look hot together!

Anonymous said...

Madam Swiss!!! My GAWD woman! How could you have let it go so long, dearest!!! Rotten Panties???? To quote Marlon Braondo: "The horror! ...the horror!!!"

Summor said...

Wow...Penelope looks gorgeous, that's for sure. Do I want her dining out with Jake? NOOO!!! It's just a simple dinner out, right? And they're just friends, right? (repeat over and over and over again)!

Jake is sweet in that pic...sigh.

Anonymous said...

Zodiac interview with Jake!on JJ
http://www.justjared.com/2007/02/15/jake-gyllenhaal-zodiac-interview/

Number Six said...

How did Just fucking Jared get footage of that!!! Right, I'm so fucked off because they're the site that passed on Ramona's name to US Weekly. Oh the injustice!!! Good Paramount, you seriously know how to piss people off.

cina said...

^^ I was wondering that myself.
Either way - it's a gorgeous f*cking interview. He looks SOOO manly and sexy these days. Gah.

Anonymous said...

Alert: Jake will be doing the Daily Show on 2/28! Letterman on the 26th, Conan on the 27th, looks like he will be in NY for that week!!

penny lane said...

Prophecy Girl will be very happy!

Number Six said...

Initial reports from Prophecy Girl suggest that she is VERY, VERY happy and hopes that her hotel in LA has Comedy Central. :D

cina said...

OMG, Jake on TV-shows three days in a row?! It's almost too much for my little heart to handle... I think I need a lie down. *swoons*

Anonymous said...

Penelope knows Jake from her good pal Salma Hayek (which is how Jake met Mia Maestro). They're friends, nothing more.

By the way, Penelope was WONDERFUL in "Volver." She also looked like a young Sophia Loren in it--just gorgeous. But she and Jake are pals--nothing more.