Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I WILL CULTUREFY YOU ALL IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!

Seens Jake is avoiding us I thought you might fancy a trip down to the old art gallery to pass the time. All aboard the short bus!
Like Michelangelo's David before it, this piece here truly symbolises strength, human beauty and a great cardiovascular workout regime. A true Renaissance masterpiece, or should we say post-renaissance? Or should we first analyse the meaning of the word 'renassiance' before we throw it around willy-nilly? Yes, this back is most divine. It is not however a 17 ft marble statue that portrays the Biblical King David at the moment that he decides to do battle with Goliath and it has also not come to represent the Florentine Republic. Instead it represents the lustful desires of millions around the world, which I think, is infinitely more important.

I don't know about you but I relieved Michelangelo didn't create this magnum opus cos he might have got his pizza all over it or damaged it with his nunchaks. Cowabunga, dudes!!

84 comments:

The Bearded Lady said...

Sweetheart,
I hope you don't mind me saying, I think it's hanging a bit crooked?

nice anonymous said...

Here is one moment when I really would have liked to have been reincarnated as a piece of turf in a softball field.

At other times, I've thought that I would have enjoyed being a bicycle seat.

Or a striped plastic straw, stuck into Jake's smoothie or iced coffee drink.

S4M985 said...

lol at both of the above! I love this pic, his hot sweaty body is damn fine. I think its a masterpeice!

gin said...

I just loooove this picture. So much fine musculature, with a little bit of obvious sulking thrown in and just a glisten of sweat sprinkled on top. Mmm. He is so, so very fine. :)

Kendra said...

He's like a fallen "Renacimiento" hero who lies bleary on the ground, trying to arise again.

~DKBB~ said...

Oh my, what a glorious thing to wake up to! I may not even need coffee this morning (but perhaps a cold shower is in order). ;)

Bruinsmama said...

ah, to be but a blade of that grass.......

Jhoey said...

That is ART yeah !

Cool Britpopbaby ;O)

He is a real - Serial killer - !

friendlysuggestion said...

This entry confirms it for me, and now I'm agreeing with the comments from the previous post: this site appears to be in decline. I know the paparazzi are busy snapping pics of Lindsay Lohan and her bf, but that hasn't stopped JW from producing laugh-out-loud stuff before. The content here has always been fresh, funny, and self-deprecating. And now it's filled with grammatically incorrect entries about nothing, and too-long reviews of Jake movies (which I don't read). BPB, you're a talented and funny writer and this site has potential. I hope this is a phase.

Katie said...

May I make the friendly suggestion that you actually read the film reviews before dismissing them - because I thought they were bloody good.

Keep up the good work BPB!

smurfette said...

and too-long reviews of Jake movies (which I don't read).

i don't mean to be rude, but how can any of us take your “criticism” seriously when you talk about the decline of the writing on a blog whose entries you're not reading because they’re "too-long"?? can u imagine what movie reviews and book reviews we would be left with if critics suddenly decided to publish indictments of books and movies they haven’t bothered to read or see because they are “too long”?

friendly, i hope you can see how i might find your comment just a bit bizarre...

Anonymous said...

A masterpiece should be uplifting, provocative, and, at some level just rip your guts out, rendering you speechless, enthralled, as it were. It should literally take your breath away. If it has power it should haunt you, pre occupy your thoughts, inform your actions and direct your energies in positive ways. So, by my definition, Jake is a masterpiece.
I like the gilt frame, too.

Anonymous said...

I'm so going to have to have that picture as the wallpaper on my work computer for a while, so damm distracting, has a sweaty back ever looked quite so fine?

And the movie review, worth every single word, infact you could have doubled it and I'd still have wanted more.

The Bearded Lady said...

Oh dear,
I think it's this new perfume I started to wear
"Churlish"
by Jessica Simpson.
I should really read the label closely , but all I could afford was the 2oz size and the print is so damn small.
The box says something about special pheromones that attact churlish people.
Why would I want that?
I thought it said "Girlish" people , which sounded sexy at my age...
Miss Bearded Lady gets it all wrong yet again.

Lesson to self: Bring monocle to store when shopping.

I try to be sexy and squint.

smurfette said...

having seen the david from behind, i have to say, jake's fleshy, glistening back muscles are way better than cold, white marble any day. now, if only michaelangelo had jake to work with... fortunately we have such pics of the real thing to ogle at today (thanks brits!)

off topic: just saw this dvd boxed set for UK folks who may be looking ot expand their jake collection-- it has DD director's cut, moonlight mile, the good girl, and proof. it's not the best of his best, but pretty decent boxed set nonetheless

http://www.dvdactive.com/news/
releases/jake-gyllenhaal-collection.html

Anneka's Alias said...

Imagine how much better 'The Da Vinci Code' would have been if Tom Hanks had been running between Jake prints in the Louvre.

And if things that are long are not read, are people buying all those Harry Potter books to press flowers?

britpopbaby said...

Hey, friendlysuggestion,

Welcome to britpopbaby's diner. There are two options on the menu today: TAKE IT or LEAVE IT.

Hope you enjoy your meal!

JoyceDavenport said...

Ahhh! That amazing work of art would break the world record at Christies anyday. A Picasso, Van Gogh, Da Vinci- maybe a modern artist- Warhol, Klee?

No thanks -I'll have me a glimpse of a real live walking, talking, warm, breathing masterpiece rather than some old marble or paint.

Naomi and Stephen take a bow- you are creators of one of the finest pieces of fine art ever to grace this universe.

There's never enough pictures of Jake- never enough (I bin watchin' BBM and reading fan fic agin).

Friendly suggestion- you are entitled to your opinion but at a guess I would say all of those posts are yours and your playing a little knocking game here. Knock knock -who's there? Someone with an agenda?

PICKLE said...

Brits, Since today is Pickle's birthday, thank you for making my day with that lovely piece of art!

Dumbo said...

Friendlysugg, I don't know how someone could say this site is in decline, with this Jake pic. Didn't just looking at the framed art work make you smile, or think up potential names for it? Plus a majority of us happen to like the reviews.

As the "When Harry Met Sally" line goes "I'll have what she's having," and I'll
"take it."

Prophecy Girl said...

Happy Birthday, Pickle!!!

And seriously, friendlysuggestion. In what twisted universe is a half-naked, exhausted, face-down Jake a "decline?" That's actually exactly how I like my Jake Watch... ;)

The Bearded Lady said...

Why is it people we never hear from on a regular basis, chime in about being bored? as if we are here for their amusement?
If you can't help row the boat, I'm afraid we'll have to tip you over the side.
Survival of the fittest and all that...
These are the types that always whine about being hungry, then later you learn that ate the last of the food rations.

"Off to the fishes with ya!"

Pickles,
Happy Birthday and I hope you have a great one too. :)
are you a fresh crispy deli pickle? or cooked soft jar variety?

bubblegirl said...

Nice Anon,

I totally agree with the turf and the straw but I don’t know about the seat. It just seems you would spend your day with ass in your face. It is a nice ass, but ass none the less.

Speaking of Ass!

Friendlysuggestion, have you ever heard the expression…………………If you don’t have anything nice to say blah blah blah………sorry tying to keep this post as short as your attention span will allow.

Bottom line is shut up.

PICKLE said...

Thank you PG & TBL! I'd like to think I'm fresh & crispy but today I feel cooked and soft.

Will this work of art be on tour?

Smurfeyshmoo said...

In what twisted universe is a half-naked, exhausted, face-down Jake a "decline?"

Oh, wow, what a way to put it, PG. That description coupled with the picture itself may require a bit of a cold shower as dkbb said...mm mm good.

And happy birthday pickle!

Elle said...

Brits, you KNOW I adore JakeWatch and have been torch-carrying agent since April (and yes, I will soon have the T-shirt to prove it!!) and it really pains me to have to say that FS is right about one very small (and probably deeply insignificant thing in the overall scheme of things in general) and that is .... ahem .. a wee spelling and grammar check before posting would not go amiss.

Yes, Renaissance is a helluva a word, but it was your first line that had my editorial eye going WTF ... ?

Seens Jake is avoided us I thought you might fancy a trip down the old art gallery to pass the time?

Don't shoot me down, please! I've been pimping this blog over at Dave Cullen the last couple of days! Just want JW to stay tops in all aspects!! :-)

Anonymous said...

It is not uncommon with fine masterpieces, to let them tour and reside in various galleries for a length of time. Of course, this would require the original art work itself.

I'm leaving it but not before helping you out said...

Seens Jake is avoided us I thought you might fancy a trip down the old art gallery to pass the time?


This is just sad and not a good reflection of JW. Let me help you.

Since it seems Jake has avoided us, I thought you might fancy a trip down the 'ol art gallery, to pass time?

Elle, maybe you should pimp a more worthy blog.

friendlysuggestion said...

Joycedavenport:

No, the other posts are not mine. I'm just a lurker here, with no agenda. I'm not in the clique, so I don't even know what the agenda would be about...?

Like my username implies, I was just voicing a constructive criticism that JW may be losing readers like myself, who are looking for the old magic that JW had. C'est tout. No ulterior motive. I don't think the "constructive" part of my criticism came through, and instead I just came across as a bitch. *shrugs* I stand by what I said. Sorry to interrupt, but not sorry for my opinion. No worries; I can recommend other funny sites to my friends who enjoy a good laugh over their lunch break.

nice anonymous said...

Bubblegirl, you've got a point there, I'll concede that. You really do.

I'm afraid it's kind of like the fairy tale, though -- I just used up my three wishes, and I can't take any of them back.

I'm going to be stuck with the job of being Jake's bicycle seat. Smelling of eau de sweaty Jake after the next long ride.

If I'd had any sense, I'd have wished to be Jake's cargo shorts, so I'd get to hold some of the fun parts as well -- and then also I'd have the side benefit of being laundered occasionally.

Nothing Really Matters said...

One day i will look that good! Only if i go on a diet and visit the gym!

Elle said...

Elle, maybe you should pimp a more worthy blog.

Um. *considers*

Nope.

I'll stick with this one, thanks all the same. Its one of the finest places I know, and after all, what are a few grammatical errors between friends? Here today, gone tomorrow!!

What I said was like when I have to tell a friend she's got spinach stuck between her teeth - it makes me wince for a moment, but its no reason to ruin a friendship! :-)

Anonymous said...

I don't care who doesn't like this and I don't care if this gets deleted but this blog has turned to shit since the addition of the new writers. Boring reviews, uninspired entries, mean-spiritedness and bad grammar. It's becoming hard to ignore. I think people are leaving because of it. I don't blame them. I'm holding on and hoping JW restores itself but each day it looks more grim.

I don't have an agenda even if you think I do.

Anonymous said...

Can I give you a friendly suggestion, mister friendlysuggestion? Change your frigging attitude. Nobody cares if you comes here or not. Nobody cares for your opinions here, or your recommendation to your friends. BPB is not selling a product here and desperate for your custom. So take your "isn't it grand of me to visit your site" attitude and get out of here.

cina said...

Jakeypoo, where are you?!? Boohooo...! :-(

Anyways, thanks for that lovely work of art. The sunlight on those ├╝ber-hot, slightly sweaty back muscles is simply beautiful. I could actually have that on my wall. In my secret room with my Jake shrine that is... LOL! ;-)

smurfette said...

friendly, u did come off wrong. as for the agenda joyce d mentioned, i'll give u the benefit of the doubt, but it's hard not to be suspicious. like TBL mentioned, every so often, some poster posing as a dedicated reader/lurker complains about the decline/quality of JW, either as anon or some random name, always with the SAME tone, and always with comments that are not constructive, but based on things that are more opinion than anything.

elle, i'm glad you're staying. not sure when u started coming, but BPB has addressed the grammar/typo issue in the past. we're reading a blog, not a published novel or the nytimes. the focus is on the original, funny content. in short, she doesn't give a crap about typos, etc. and that won't change.

anon 7:27, don't tie your panties in a knot or anything. no one's gonna delete your pointless, unnecessarily defiant-sounding post. if you're a regular reader, you'd realize this is a pretty civil place... and you should calm down.

dani said...

Of course we would all like to see recent pictures of Jake but he is hiding out so what can we do?

That's why I love JW because even when there is no new news to report, there is always something to talk about.

There are no topics regarding this man that I find tiresome. And there will never be a day in the forseeable future that I don't want to look at half naked picures of his beautifully formed torso whether it be the front or the back. He is perfection personified!

britpopbaby said...

This is just sad and not a good reflection of JW. Let me help you.

Since it seems Jake has avoided us, I thought you might fancy a trip down the 'ol art gallery, to pass time?


NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Let me shove this up your ass. You are a sad person and your reflection must disturb you. Let me help YOU before YOU go.

Seens - a BRITISH COLLOQUIAL term that I use in speech and therefore sometimes slip into sentences. It is NOT a grammatical error. It means 'seen as' NOT 'since'. So fuck you, that's how people talk where I'm from, sorry it doesn't translate but I forget about all these little nuance sometimes.

'ol - what the fuck? The 'old' was perfectly appropiate. Unlike you.

Also, it wasn't a question so no need for a question mark.

Grammar? GRAMMAR? Maybe you could help me out with the following sentence:

GO YOURSELF FUCK PLEASE.

Add in the comma where you want.

Sorry kids, I'm a little tightly wound tonight and if there is one thing that fucks me off it's people trying to be clever when they're just NOT.

heddaparsons said...

Hopefully Jake has spent the last two weeks at MV where the paps are forbidden! I love visiting here on JW and I don't sense any "decline" with the blog. Sure there is a lull right now, but if you check the rest of the Jake related sites, you will see the same thing: no news or pictures so you are not going to find anything to exciting there either.

kokodee said...

One day i will look that good! Only if i go on a diet and visit the gym!

Hear hear! In my case, a divine intervention is required: like someone else said...I wish I was actually laughing my arse off, because it just keeps getting bigger when I ain't lookin'

britpopbaby said...

Thanks, smurfette! And Happy B-Day pickle! I missed it before because by brain exploded due to the stupidity.

And seriously, I don't mind constructive criticism. I've just finished a Creative Writing and English degree (yeah, with shitty grammar and bad spelling) so I can take any kind of feedback but when people blatantly just come in here to start trouble it's pathetic and I wish it didn't wind me up but it does.

Everyone who has said something negative in here has not said it with neither grace nor common sense. It's pathetic - do you not have someone in your real life to bother? I know you're trolls and if it continues beyond this thread I'm banning anonymous comments and then you'll have NO voice and oh, I guess our lives won't be as rich but we'll have to live on without your helpful comments.

And I have SiteMeter - it records your IP addy and where you're from so I know it's the same person going over and over. Really get a grip and go reverse over puppies or something for your kicks.

And you wonder why I've turned nasty when I have to put up with this shit?

Anonymous said...

Oh, enuf of all the bitchiness!!! I have a burning question for BPB:
Since this is but one in the popular series of :Gyllenhaal Studies in Nude Torso, can I humbly request that the other poses also be featured. I would recommend that we see them one at a time. So that they can be studied in full. It has also been widely reported that seeing them all, all at once, has caused mass hysteria and serious health problems to viewers of these works of art including, but not limited to seizures, fits, drooling, heart palpitations, cardiac arrest and ecstatic paralysis(That's where you start clutching at you genitalia and moaning in public.)

Dumbo said...

I'm not here for grammar, I really don't want to hang out at some dictionary dot com site. Give me JW on its worst day (which I have yet to see) any day over that. It's just like Jake's quotes, just enjoy them for what they are.

I've never seen this picture before, or at least I don't remember it. So I was happy it was posted today, in a very creative and fun way. I think everyone should take another look. It really does put a smile on your face. Any suggestions for a title of this masterpiece?


P.S. Happy Birthday Pickle, here's hoping for a crispy and fresh year for you, cheers.

not-so-nice anonymous said...

Dude, if you think people are abandoning the site, why don't you just join the masses and defect also? The Internet has so many other blogs, forums & message boards. Hang out on one that's more to your liking. Create your own. If you don't like this one, stop reading the daily entries. Stay out of the comments section. Avert your eyes. Exercise your freedom of choice. Follow through with all your dramatic leave-takings & get the hell out of here. You're not persuading any of us to join you with your bitching. You remind me of a preschool kid who doesn't know how to engage the others in civil interactions -- when he wants to get someone's attention, he just hits them. Do us a favor & don't try to play with us anymore. Just go create your own Jake World.

Anonymous said...

Sorry I wound you up Britpopbaby but I just had to say it. I knew you would be nasty about it but if nothing is said then no improvements are made. Sorry you took it so hard but too bad. JW sucks lately and I'm not afraid to say it.

Nothing Really Matters said...

Brits dear this person will get what’s coming to them, they always do! Karma will come around and bite them in the arse big style!

smurfette said...

And I have SiteMeter - it records your IP addy and where you're from so I know it's the same person going over and over.

haha, i love technology. anon, why are u still here? don't let the sitemeter hit u in the ass on the way out.

also, i hate to see 7:32's well-put comment get lost in the shuffle: BPB is not selling a product here and desperate for your custom. So take your "isn't it grand of me to visit your site" attitude and get out of here.

moving on: name for this masterpiece, huh? how’s “sweaty Jacob with face-down on grass”? haha, i never understood it, but i always got a kick out of the convention of naming artwork by their description (which we can plainly see) rather than their context. they’re always like “bearded man with three tulips” or “peasant woman against background of wheat (on canvas)”.

Anonymous said...

After it bites a big chunk out of your ass for wishing bad karma on a person. Lol. Get over your wacky selves.

Prophecy Girl said...

^^^ For the love of Christ. Go away.

Nothing Really Matters said...

Did i even wish bad karma on you??

I just don’t get why people in general have to moan when they don’t like something! This blog is not done for our benefits! It’s a source of pleasure for Brits and from time to time shit like this always comes up! Why??

britpopbaby said...

t-t-t-trollin'!

Bring it on.

And thanks for pulling out that comment smurfette and anon 7.32 for saying it.

When you whiny bastards pay me then I might go out of my way to do something about it.

And you're not sorry. If you were, you'd buy me flowers. You love it.

Nothing Really Matters said...

PG did I ever tell you, you look fab? If I put a hat and glasses on we would be sisters!

cina said...

Name for this masterpiece?

"10th generation of beatle-collector Gyllenhaal in action"

Prophecy Girl said...

You're right, NRM! I guess I've never really looked at our pics right next to each other. We are some sexxxy bitches, aren't we? ;)

Nothing Really Matters said...

^^ Dude your so right and bitchin too!

smurfette said...

hey, if i chopped my hair to a bob, died my hat black, and... em, dyed my skin, maybe i can join the sisterhood? haha. anyway, we seem to have several lookalikes-- joyce d and cina also look like sisters.

cina, i don't get the beatle reference?

Nothing Really Matters said...

^^ you can totally join the sisterhood! I don't think i've ever said hello to you my dear! So hello!

Anonymous said...

almost afraid to comment as anon alongside all those arseholes with their so called "friendly suggestions"...

how about "sex personified. impression"

Anonymous said...

Reading the verbal beating britpop gave the troll made my day. If nothing else, BPB, you got a good opportunity to excersize your snark muscle (though it's admittedly not as attractive as Jake's everything-muscles) and entertain a few people.

cina said...

@smurfette: The very first Gyllenhaal in Sweden was a beatle collector for the Swedish court. He was knighted and given the name Gyllenhaal and so the famous Gyllenhaal clan was born. :-)

Anonymous said...

beatle collector???? what the hell is that and why would anybody bother to collect those?

cina said...

Well, anon. Don't ask me. Apparently the queen of Sweden at the time had a beatle collector for the court. I guess she wanted the swedish bugs to be on display or something. You know, with needles through them?? I could be wrong, but I think the very same Gyllenhaal catalogued pretty much every bug in Sweden, or it could have been a "later" Gyllenhaal. It is true though, I'm not joking. Even Jake has talked about it in interviews.

Anonymous said...

ok, i will treat it as one more weird-thing-to-do-with-JG-along-his-strange-way-of-answering-even-the-simplest-questions.

bleugh, bugs... anyway, he's in no way responsible for his ancestors' deeds, knighted or no.

smurfette said...

beatle collecting, huh? learn something new at jw everyday =). aw, the thought of a gyllenhaal beatle collector somehow warms my heart-- even tho i hate bugs. hi back, nrm!

anon, i love the: "sex personified, an impression" title! and no pressure of course, but you should consider picking an alias so we can reply or refer to your comments more easily =).

kaydee said...

ok, smurfette, here goes: the anonymous comments at 9.26, 9.40, 9.54 and the "sex personified.impression" title is mine. glad you enjoy:)

cina said...

No Jake is in no way "responsible" for his ancestor's doings. But I know he's very proud of that fact though. Not a lot of people has such well-documented family history. :-)

(Hi kaydee! Nice to see a name instead of "anonymous".)

Sarah said...

OMG! Is it pathetic that the picture of someones BACK and grass completely turns me ON?!?



Well, no, i suppose not b/c it is not SOMEONES back, it is JAKE GYLLENHAAL, the SEX GOD's hot, muscular sweaty back.


And, Yes, that IS what he looks like in bed! Ow!

MPOM said...

Name for this Pic?
Fallen Film God
or
Fallen Champion
or
Back of Desire
(Brokeback of Desire) No too corny.
or
Show me the Front

smurfette said...

hi kaydee!

mpom, i like "show me the front"! it's so true... and it reminds me of the pic where jake's abs were blocked by that blasted mercedes (that pic should be-- move the damn car! or similar)

The Bearded Lady said...

"Jake in repose on grass"

nice anonymous said...

And, Yes, that IS what he looks like in bed! Ow!

He'd look even better with one's legs wrapped around him, don't you think? ;-)

Dumbo said...

What about "Oh no she didn’t". If you examine the brush strokes closely you'll see the subtle lift of Gyllenhaal's arm. It is as if he is laughing his a.. off at the way BPB served the blog trolls their just deserts. Sorry trollies, today just wasn’t your day, maybe next time. However, please hang out under someone else’s bridge instead of Brit’s.

Smurfette, I LMAO reading your suggestion with commentary. Cina, you get huge bonus points for the Gyllenhaal family history inclusion, and remembering it. I had forgotten all about the beetle collector family history, and I dare call myself a fan.

mpom said...

Ddidn't I read somewhere that the Gyllenhaals in the old days were Swedenborgian?

Anonymous said...

Oooh! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reference!

*applauds BPB*

The Turtles were my complete childhood.

Anonymous said...

All the picture needs is for someone to photoshop a very lucky person underneath Jake.

Anonymous said...

God, his back is magnificent! Truly a work of art.

PICKLE said...

Usually Pickle tries to forget her birthdays but really she just wants attention since nobody at work seems to have remembered :(

Seriously, thank you all for the birthday wishes!

I thought wisdom would come with age but for the life of me, I do not know what Jake is doing in that picture. Help?

Anonymous said...

I think he missed the ball, playing baseball.

PICKLE said...

^^^Thanks anon, makes sense.

Patch said...

O'DOYLE RULES!!!

no.. wait..

BRITPOPBABY RULES!!!

Anonymous said...

Okay talk about 'SPLENDOR IN THE GRASS'! although it looks more like he's swimming in the grass.

cina said...

Cina, you get huge bonus points for the Gyllenhaal family history inclusion, and remembering it. I had forgotten all about the beetle collector family history, and I dare call myself a fan.

Aww heck, it's spelled "beetle" and not "beatle"! No wonder I caused confusion..! LOL Well, I'm not British/American/Australian so I blame that. ;-)
Thanks dumbo. I guess the fact that I'm Swedish myself has a little something to do with the fact that I remember that. ;-)

I, personally found my name for the masterpiece to be extremely funny! Hrmm... lol!

cina said...

Ddidn't I read somewhere that the Gyllenhaals in the old days were Swedenborgian?

Yes, that's correct.

phoebe said...

Oh sweet mama. Jake's sweaty, muscular back in this pic is TO DIE FOR! *thud*

Cina, I've never heard of those beetle collectors! That's like the funniest thing ever! Seriously, beetle collectors.. LMAO!

“bearded man with three tulips”

LOL!

Britpop, don't let anyone bring you down. You go girl!!

Oh and HI kaydee!