It's that day again. You've got nothing to do except maybe go to church and repent your sins. Don't bother, we're all doomed, let's talk about Jake instead.
The Jakester has just finished filming the thriller Zodiac but what the Dickens is next in the pipeline? You know what, maybe he hasn't decided yet; should he do a rom-com with Brittany Murphy or how about some improv theatre with Kevin Spacey? If our suspicions are correct and Jake is an avid blog walker prehaps we should throw foward some helpful suggestions so we can rest assured that his career continues along the right path. So, what should be Jake's next project?
A. Epic, maybe with romance. Wait...definately with romance, naked romance.
It worked for Russell Crowe, well, until he started flinging phones at mortals. The big adventure that lasts over three hours so that your arse is numb and you can't walk when you try to leave the theatre. Something with Romans raping and pillaging their way across Europe but helpfully building aqueducts in the process?
B. QUINCY, M.E
They seem to have remade every old seventies TV show going. Some worked, (Charlies Angels), some didn't, (everything else). Why not throw one more into the mix? Jake Gyllenhaal is Quincy, M.E, a man with a strong sense of principles but also a dab hand at forensic science, cruising round LA, looking sexy and solving cases. Also starring Gene Hackman as Dr Robert Austin. And what's going on with Miami Vice? It feels like they've been making it since the seventies.
It's about the only Jane Austen novel left that hasn't been turned into a major motion picture. This is really just to fill my perverted desire to see Jake as a Mr Darcy-type, being all strong and silent yet still flouncing around the English countryside looking mighty dapper! He would play Captain Wentworth, the naval officer returned victorious from securing the Empire and looking for a filly. Hahzar!
D. The Musical!
Jake has obviously been chomping at the bit to star in a musical since missing out on the part in Moulin Rouge and we also know of his desire to return to the stage so what could be more fitting than Brokeback Mountain: The Musical! Now everyone sing along! "Like a rhinestone cowboy..."
E. I don't care as long as he dances around naked in a Santa hat again.
On a side note: I had a really vivid dream last night where the cast of Brokeback Mountain were being interviewed by Graham Norton and when Jake was asked about his beard (that he has just parted with) he said that the only reason he grew it was so that the ladies would have something to grab hold of whilst making the beast with two backs. It's not the most interesting dream I've had about Jake but it was kinda precise. Also at one point they were all laughing so much that Jake's contact lense fell out and Heath put it back in for him. I'm going to stop now, I'm freaking myself out.