Jake, my friend, I can't help but wonder just what the hell you are doing. According to Variety, you are set to star in a film in which, "Actioner (sic) revolves around a private expedition to the moon and the race for lunar colonization." Seriously. Who edits Variety?
The article then proceeds through a confusing list of other people who have been, are, and/or will be associated with this movie, but only those in a behind-the-scenes capacity (which is worthless for speculating on your possible on-set hookups). That this film has been "fast-tracked" is incongruously reported one sentence before it is announced that you're doing another film first. Again, who edits Variety? And Jake, why am I reading about you being in a movie in a magazine that can't even work up a good announcement about you being in a movie?
But more importantly, why am I reading about this at all? Dude! Perhaps the sands of time have dulled your memory, but there is a perfectly good script waiting for you on some LiveJournal! And what about your album? Priorities, pal! Do you think it's easy to schedule studio time with Timbaland? How about the time that I, personally, have spent with Kanye West, writing lyrics for you:
"The Civil War, yeeah, yeeah. 1861, bitches! To 1865!
Yeah, Lincoln was the pimp, he was a crunk-ass fool,
He thought the South was op'rating by some effed-up rules.
In the blue was the U to the N-I-O-N,
'Four score,' Abe shouted, bitches knew they's gonna win
Against the grey, CSA, the Confederate Staters,
Packed some muzzle-loadin' muskets and put a cap in them haters."
And so on. That has "Grammy" written all over it! OK, I'll admit it. Kayne wrote most of that.
And what about the campaign, Jake? It's all me and brits right now beating down the Presidential trail...and only one of us can vote in the United States. Some people are (dare I say it) starting to think we're making this up. And by "this" I mean, like, all of these outside projects (thank God the French believe!). You're killing us here. By "taking on" these "movie roles," you're make us look like liars. Basically, Jake Watch can't afford for you to keep up this illusion that you're a movie star.
So the movie is out...but colonizing the moon is in. That's your next project. We'll put it on the back burner for now, but if anyone can do it, brits and I can, and then we'll give you credit for it. And be thankful we got you out of that film because dude. We're hoping that the poorly-written Variety article just did a craptastic job of explaining the plot...or else we might be forced to make fun of it. Just a little. Although you would no doubt pull it off effortlessly like you always do. As usual, it is your circumstances, and not you, that we find humor in.
Note to Readers: As with any Jake movie rumor, this rumor has a probability of being between 40% and 75% false, with a margin of error plus or minus 35%. As with any Jake Watch news, anything non-movie related in this entry is 100% true. Always.
Pic from Moon Colonizers of North America.