Thursday, August 09, 2007

Jake in '08: Campaign Finance Update

As I'm sure everyone noticed, Jake's Reese-happy rendezvous in Los Angeles was short-lived, and he is now back on the campaign trail...hey, Jake, seriously, do not ruin this post for us by showing up in paparazzi pictures today, 'kay? Er, as I was saying, Jake is back campaigning hard, but is it hard enough? HIGHLY disturbing intel from a legitimately, uh, legitimate source has shaken the campaign efforts to the core. You heard it here first: the Gyllenhaals have not monetarily contributed to the Jake in '08 campaign. Scandal!

All this from The Huffington Post, which has come forth with a hard-hitting piece of political journalism detailing the campaign contributions of celebrities. It was no surprise to anyone that Kelsey Grammar is the only person in Hollywood bold enough to give to a Republican, but readers were shocked, nay horrified, to read this in the second paragraph:

"The Sheen/Estevez clan, Martin, Charlie and Emilio, all turn up empty, ditto all four Baldwin brothers and the Gyllenhaals."

When pressed for comment, Jake told us, "I don't know, maybe it has something to do with Jake Watch backing my campaign? Why the hell were all the doorknobs in my parents' house wet?" Whoa, about a nine on the tension scale there, Jake. He was, unfortunately, referring to britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl's month-long stay in the Gyllenhaal family home, during which time some pretty weird shit went on. (From britpopbaby's diary: "I just sat in the kitchen sink today, because I know Jake has scrubbed vegetables in that sink, and I just wanted to be part of that experience.") The elder Gyllenhaals' wish to separate themselves from the Jake Watch name was a hard blow, but perhaps understandable since the organization and its leaders are so goddamned strange.

Also upsetting campaign morale is the newest attack on Jake's character, not from those wily Stewart/Colbert boneheads this time, but from the potential upset candidate, Jack Bauer. Bauer's likely running mate, Eugen from Romania, held a press conference early Thursday. "How could you vote for Jake? He's a disgrace to the family name! His name basically means 'dude who loves butterflies and shit'* and he tortures bugs for fun! Watch this!" Eugen then dramatically pulled up YouTube and showed the following video:

Team Gyllenhaal responded promptly saying that the film's poor sound quality had led to a tragic misinterpretation. Jake was not talking about killing insects with a magnifying glass, but rather studying them up close because at that point in his life, he ambitiously dreamed of growing up to be an entomologist (a goal shared by Prophecy Girl). Jake's final comment on the matter? "To think that my love of Coleoptera would be used against me for such political malevolence hurts me on a deeply personal level. My only hope is that this injustice will cause my parents to reconsider and contribute to my campaign so that stupid Jack Bauer, and his hexapod-hating self, doesn't bring about the same downfall to the American people that he already has to Class Insecta."

Well said, Jake Gyllenhaal. Well fucking said.


*Direct quote from Jake's appearance on the The Late Show with David Letterman while he was promoting October Sky: "My great great great great great great great great great great grandfather was a butterfly catcher and cataloger...he was actually asked by the king or queen of Sweden...to a catalog butterflies for the kingdom. And he put them in the golden hall right outside the castle. And he ordained him the court butterfly catcher, gave him a coat of arms, and now we are named golden hall or Gyllenhaal."

Thanks to Penny Lane for the Huffington Post find and Welliwont for tracking down insect-killer Jake.

19 comments:

bobbyanna said...

Dear gods! It is too early in the day for this! That video of young Jake is priceless.... this is why I love him.
Can't wait for more diary entries about your time in residence...at the Golden Hall of Bugs.

Anonymous said...

WHen is Jake going to do a comedy??? He really, really needs to share this side of himself with the rest of the world. And he wouldn't even have to do very much...you know?

Anonymous said...

I never saw that video, funny as hell!

Anonymous said...

Jake Watch, you are my oasis in the cesspool of reality!. What would I do without you. Why the hell were the doorhandles wet???!!! LMFAO. You are too much - I wish I knew how to quit you (sorry - major cheese) Let the campaign begin you have our full support regardless of your methods - WE WANT RESULTS!!

Stephanie said...

I loved the video. Jake was so adorable at that age, even more-so than he is now. *sigh*

Anonymous said...

dorkalicious! Finally, an answer to the burning question: is Jake a dork in RL, or is it only that he plays dorky characters??

Anonymous said...

I was just looking at the screencaps for Rendition...yet again...and I think the dorkiness thing is like way over.

Cherita said...

Dork or not dork? Well, Douglas Freeman is not a dork. But watch February's Letterman again. Jake "immunizationed" himself with yellow fever to go to Morocco. Watch Conan again. He was terrified of having kicked a poisonous toad (ribbit). He's not always overtly dorky, but the man still does adorkable better than anyone.

And PG, you rock. Will we ever get video from the closed-circuit security cameras at the Gyllenhaal family home, or have you sold those tapes for the campaign fund?

Prophecy Girl said...

Why the hell were the doorhandles wet???!!!

I licked them. Or at least I think I did. I didn't eat that month so I don't remember much.

Will we ever get video from the closed-circuit security cameras at the Gyllenhaal family home, or have you sold those tapes for the campaign fund?

Cherita, would you believe the Gyllenhaals had them destroyed?! Something about them being "inappropriate." Like brits and I would EVER be inappropriate. As if! Just because she wasn't wearing anything when she was sitting in the sink...

heddaparsons said...

"Cherita, would you believe the Gyllenhaals had them destroyed?! Something about them being "inappropriate." Like brits and I would EVER be inappropriate. As if! Just because she wasn't wearing anything when she was sitting in the sink..."

LMAO!!! Can't wait for those diary entries!

Anonymous said...

Ass-grabbing Jake :)

"WHEN KEVIN AND ANITA Robinson—a married couple who record under the name Viva Voce—toured with the Shins earlier this year, they made it all the way to live TV; namely, Saturday Night Live and Late Night
with Conan O'Brien.

"I just got drunk on free beer backstage," Kevin said from a phone in Minneapolis. "Oh, and Jake Gyllenhaal grabbed my ass!"

Jake Gyllenhaal Just Can't Quit Viva Voce

theshowerlady said...

"Like brits and I would EVER be inappropriate. As if! Just because she wasn't wearing anything when she was sitting in the sink... "

Were there any other vegetables in the sink at the time??? Those tapes might be worth $$$...one day...

The office of Nancy Pelosi said...

There is some chatter that Mama Gyllenhaal is supporting Obama, interesting since the family in the past has been longtime Clinton supporters.

Anonymous said...

OT: The official rendition site is up!

{http://www.renditionmovie.com/ }

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the link to the Rendition site, 2:18! I love that Jake's picture is on the main page! Btw, seems it is coming out Oct. 19th, not Oct. 12th.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Poppa Gyllenhaal building sandcastles is helping him decide who to support in the upcoming electins:


http://www.possibledreamsauction.org/dreams.php


Sandcastle Building with
Director Stephen Gyllenhaal
THERE WILL BE NO SAND IN THE SANDWICHES...When you and your guests join director STEPHEN GYLLENHAAL for one of his family's favorite pasttimes - SANDCASTLE BUILDING and a beach picnic in Chilmark. Stephen has sandcastle building secrets that will only be revealed to you! You will learn to build spires that rise four to five feet high, steps that a tiny person can actually climb, balconies, windows, and bridges. In short, a real castle that will draw everyone on the beach before your masterpiece is complete! For up to 10 beach lovers.

Maggie and Peter were spotted in Sag Harbor, Long Island, N.Y. I assume Jake is still in L.A. but he could be back in MV or in NY. There was a lot of political fundraising in the Hamptons which is not to far from Sag Harbor.

Anonymous said...

"I just got drunk on free beer backstage," Kevin said from a phone in Minneapolis. "Oh, and Jake Gyllenhaal grabbed my ass!"

No more free beer for you! LOL

suzyQ said...

There was a democratic fund raiser in Sag Harbor, also, the weekend the Clintons hit the Hamptons, that is, last weekend, and I guess that's when Maggie and Peter were there.

Anonymous said...

There were fundraising events at several venues last night, including the so-called "hot" night clubs like Area, in LA following a live meeting/discussion on th LOGO channel with the candidates. Obama, Edwards and Clinton were there as well as a few others.