Presidential candidate Jake Gyllenhaal has been named MKP's Sexiest Lad in the World, a contest he won so handily that none of the other Presidential candidates even placed. My Kinda Place (MKP) was quoted as saying, "If the number of votes that he received are anything to go by (he walked it) then he can sleep easy, safe in the knowledge that he has a very long career ahead of him (as long as he's looking this hot anyway)." Well said, MKP. Jake will, no doubt, have a long 4- to 8-year career ahead of him as President of the United States of America, although Jake Watch is going on record as saying we think his talent (i.e. political potential) overshadows his ridiculous physical hotness and MKP should be shut down immediately for preaching to youngsters that success is something that comes (and is sustainable) only to those who are good-looking. What the fuck kind of website is that?
When asked about his victory, Jake said, "This is almost as exciting as that time everyone voted that they wished I was gay. Thank God something came along to take the focus away from that Stewart/Colbert crap." By "crap," Jake was referring to the Great Stephen Colbert Smear-a-thon of Last Week in which he was harshly accused of not being an environmentalist just because it took him a billion years to buy a hybrid...which he appears to never drive. No matter, his recent(ly discovered) triumph in being named a lad of exceptional sexiness was enough to convince Leonardo DiCaprio that Jake Gyllenhaal is the best man for the Presidency. "Let's not forget," DiCaprio told Jake Watch, "that I played a doomed guy named 'Jack' in a tragic love story long before Heath Ledger decided to be a sheep herder, but as long as that's clear, then yeah. I'll use my record as an environmental activist to help him out of this mess. But only because he is the sexiest lad I know."
DiCaprio, who did not make the Sexy Lad List, has a new documentary coming out about environmental issues (11th Hour) and a website that makes Jake's Official Site look so unbelievably pathetic that Jake Watch is ashamed to the point of humiliation that the assault we launched on it was unsuccessful (for more on why Harrison Cheung doesn't have time to maintain Jake's site, click HERE). Regardless, the Jake in '08 campaign is pleased that Leo's environmental record can now be transferred to Jake via a series of confusing public service messages. Brilliant!
So it's settled. Jake is sexy, he has no problem getting the popular vote, and environmentalists like him. The Jake in '08 campaign could not possibly be going any better. When asked about his feelings regarding Leo's commitment to his campaign, Jake, lad that he is, looked like this:
Thanks to ATD for finding the golden Harrison Cheung tidbit. That is actually way better than anything we could have made up.