BACK AWAY FROM MY MAN!
You know, Natalie, I've been doing this gig for a while now and you know what? You just keep popping up. All the freaking time. Anonymous commenters love nothing more than to bring up your name. They're either talking about what a "cute" couple you and Jake would be or offering up creepy insider-sounding information about when you two used to "date." I didn't know anything about this "dating." I was just ignoring all that, you know. Just assuming you liked to post here anonymously...and I wasn't going to judge you for it. I mean, Jake's hot, but everyone knows he was celibate before my good friend Kiki walked into the picture. And then what happens? I notice there are some new-old pics of you on a certain website freaking ALL OVER The Gyllenhaal! I mean, what's next?! Secret pictures of Jake and Reese??! I'm sorry. I cannot condone this behavior (or bursting of my bubble). I don't care how many years ago this was, you need to back away from my man!
In other news...a new batch of Jake in '08 tees just hit the store! If ever there was a sentence worthy of ending in an exclamation point, that was it.