Friday, December 22, 2006

WHAT? BITCH, ARE YOU ON CRACK?

It seems Jake Watch are the only organisation responsible enough to handle statitics and then manipulate them in Jake's favour. The Internet Movie Database, playground of the crazies, has complied a list of the Top 25 Movie Stars of 2006 based on profile hits.

25. Kirsten Dunst I'm pretty certain she only made the list because of The Gyllenhaal Effect added with The Grand Old Doppleganger of Kent rumours.
24. Reese Witherspoon as above
23. Bruce Willis I don't remember him ever being rumoured to be dating Jake. Weird.
22. Daniel Radcliffe It states that all he's appeared in this year is a trailer. Well played, young Radcliffe, well played.
21. Heath Ledger Ooo, not as popular as Jake. BURN. See, that's what happens when you don't dance the provoctative dance with gay rumours.
20. Tom Hanks Yeah, I kinda forgot about him. I'll just presume it was all the bible-bashers going ape over The Da Vinci Code. Yeah, I kinda forgot about The Da Vinci Code too.
19. Zac Efron Quoi?
18. Orlando Bloom You should have fed Kate Bosworth before you left her.
17. Jake Gyllenhaal
16. Emma Watson I hear she's popular with the paedophile contingent.
15. Hilary Duff as above
14. Kate Beckinsale WHAT? She must check her own profile about a 1000 times a day to get in this list!
13. Christian Bale Talented (hot) but not as talented (hot) as Jake.
12. Rachel McAdams Seriously?
11. Jennifer Anniston I'm really glad I'm not you.
10. Natalie Portman Erm...okay. She's totally interesting.
9. Paris Hilton Vom.
8. Tom Crusie Fair enough. He's made the effort.
7. Lindsay Lohan For the hate mail, I guess.
6. Keira Knightley Represent' the British massive. I have to let this one go.
5. Scarlett Johansson A hefty mix of dirty old men and horny young boys.
4. Brad Pitt Meh.
3. Jessica Alba Has anyone realised she can't act yet? Or are we still hung up on the T&A?
2. Angelina Jolie You were more fun back in the knife, blood and bisexual days...
1. Johnny Depp Man, how does this guy do it? He doesn't even get the gay rumours. They must just talk about his career or something...

Well Jake I think it's pretty clear what you have to do to make No.1 come Dec 2007. Forget the Oscar nominations and Bafta wins, we need to bag you a role as a sexually questionable pirate, adopt a few kids from Gambia, Thailand and perhaps Russia, show your crotch, wear more latex, join a cult and hang out with Paris Hilton. You might also want to think penning a letter to JK Rowling so you can play Harrison Potter, Harry's long lost brother from California who loves to just like, hang out at the beach and catch surf between battling the evil forces of the magical plain. Just a thought...

NOTE: britpopbaby's MySpace account is no more. I just haven't got the time to run that one and the Jake Watch one, so if you need me then message/comment/send smoke signals in the Jake Watch MySpace direction. Prophecy Girl also has access to the Jake Watch MySpace account so if you need her on Jake Watch related business you can contact her there too.

33 comments:

smurfette said...

aww, but i LOVE rachel mcadams! but yes, love this gyllen-centric analysis of the list.

smurfette said...

oh, btw (OMG!), did you guys see the news that jake gyllenhaal will be pitted against tobey maguire in the new season of mtv2's celebrity deathmatch? hahaha... NO CONTEST! tobey's not even ON this imdb list =)

elusive [miss] said...

The Internet Movie Database, playground of the crazies

God I love that place...

21. ... See, that's what happens when you don't dance the provocative dance with gay rumours.

I'd like to hear what he has to say for himself...

2. Angelina Jolie You were more fun back in the knife, blood and bisexual days...

LOL.

They must just talk about his career or something...


Freaky thought there, but he's been working with Orlando, right? Hey presto: instant gay rumours!

You are in fine form today, my Brittee! ;o)

elusivemiss said...

P.S. Speaking of statistics, two people clicked on my name (and got directed to my website, for which I get stats delivered every day) after I mentioned WFT. Hee hee. Actually, that was as of ten hours ago, so there could very well be more. ;o)

Maybe I should tell ppl that I have some thoughts on RPF there too, muahahaha!

Oh dear, time to go to bed... *muah* to everyone.

elusivemiss said...

Almost forgot...

23. Bruce Willis I don't remember him ever being rumoured to be dating Jake. Weird.

You should check out aintnoBRAKEsonthisone.net - the Willhaal group is very committed!

Anonymous said...

I think the reason Ol' Heath didn't poll as well as Jake, is maybe the whole Daddy, Baby, Mama thing, plus he's really camera shy.
Course, we all know the REAL reason. It was that damned shirt! Yessss.

get real said...

LOL, very funny, Brits.

Btw, here is a pic of Clay Jake from Celebrity Deathmatch, kicking Tobey M's ass, lol

http://iheartjake.suddenlaunch.com/index.cgi?board=gyllenhaalics&action=display&num=1166702729

cina said...

^^^Haha, his teeth are priceless! Looks nothing like him though imo...

Smurfeyshmoo said...

omg I think this is my favorite post ever. I saw that list and I, too, wondered how on earth most of those people made it. Although I love Christian Bale, I must bow to your analysis of him.

veeveevee said...

Well, you know we can fix that for next year!

Great post!

cina said...

I have a soft spot for Christian Bale too. I've liked him ever since Empire of the Sun, in which he was simply stunning - and yet so young! I would love to see him and Jake in the same movie, that would really be something!

Kendra said...

^^ I adore of Christian Bale he seems so versatile, he can be a sensitive ambiguous sexuality reporter in "Velvet Goldmine" and a tough guy in "Harsh Times", a psycho bloodthirsty yuppie in "American Psycho" and then in real life you see him carrying his daughter, and awww...

mpom said...

I see it as pretty much not as bad as it seems because if you remove the girls Jake is #5 of the men. And it's a pretty impressive list seeing he had no movie released this past year. I might be upset if he were near last but this is OK.

1. Johnny Depp
2. Brad Pitt
3. Tom Cruise
4. Christian Bale
5. Jake Gyllenhaal

cina said...

^^ Hey, when you look at it like that, it's not bad at all! :)

Anonymous said...

Mpom,

Great list, and even more impressive when you consider that they are well established movie stars and Jake is fairly new to the big stardom!

mpom said...

The way see it Jake needs to get closer to us, his real fans, don't you think? More getting out there. People need to see how really great and beautiful he is. Lots more fan interaction. He also needs to make more movies. Maybe he needs a better staff to promote him too. We want to see him #1 on EVERY list. OK Jake get over here to JW and talk to us.

Anonymous said...

^^I agree! But I do like that he chooses quality films. Remember when every time you turned around there was a Ben Affleck movie out? Too much exposure.

Anonymous said...

Mpom:
True, interaction would be very nice...particularly more interaction with ME. But that might be kinda bad, in a way. Like Tom Cruise...WAY too much interation with Oprah. And Lindsay Lohan. Interaction with her vagina...nice.
Not to say I wouldn't want to see jakes hmm-hmm, but it would ruin his image. He wouldn't be as mysterious and respected. He would be a man-whore.
And yes, I think we would all LOVE to see him in some more movies, but...I really wanna make sure he's only in the GOOD ones. He can't be in any trashy film that directors throw at him. They've gotta be top-notch, like Bubble Boy...good stuff. Now THERE'S a great American film. No, but seriously...Besides the hotness factor, don't we all love to watch Jake's movies because they're beautiful and intelligent? They make you think, but they also make you laugh, and even cry.

Simon Agent 002 said...

Brit,funny post!

This list only confirms the crass have inherited the earth.

S4M985 said...

I agree, with sarahgyllenhaal. half of what i love about jake is the choices he makes. All his movies are so diverse and so amazing, they are all classics- yes even BB, what a friggan crack up that movie is! I love it!!! I think Jake is doing just fine... imagine after Zodiac and rendition how much more recognition he will get. I predict massive things for Jakey in the future. I think hes doing the right thing. Smart Smart man.

Anonymous said...

Everyone must be geting ready for Xmas anyway great post BPB, and if I do not get a chance before Monday My I wish everyone at JW and all the regular posters and of course the SEX and very Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year.

Anonymous said...

Well, Johnny deserves number 1.Most talented actor working today. (Sorry Jake)

Anonymous said...

anon:
Johnny deserves #2. Hello, he's like TWICE Jake's age. By the time Jake is that old, he will be so superior, I doubt I'd even be able to describe it.
He is definetely the hottest 40-something year old man alive, and VERY talented, no doubt, but my loyalty lies in Jake. I believe he is the hottest, sweetest, and most talented actor the world will ever see. And his movies have been better, for the most part.

Carla said...

Yes, Johnny D. is a wonderful actor. But we should not forget that he is about 18 years older than Jake and when he was in Jakes age, he was in a TV show called "21 Jump Street".

His great work/movies started later.

Jake had a great starting point with some excellent movies and I hope he will continue picking his roles carefully.
I would love to see him and Johnny in a movie together.

Anonymous said...

Personally I can't see the fascination with Johnny Depp he's OK thats all to me, plus the only film of his I have really liked is Donnie Brasco (POTC 2 was total c**p, Where as I have have loved all of Jakes films that I have seen so far.

Katie said...

Great list!

..and while I'm here...cos I'm off tomorrow to a place where the internet has yet to be invented...Damn

Merry Christmas Brits, PG and all my friends at JW. I'll miss you all. You've brightened up my 2006 no end, and here's to 2007! It's gonna ROCK!!!!

Anonymous said...

"By the time Jake is that old, he will be so superior"

I don't think so.

Anonymous said...

OK, anonymous I bet you ^^ are the same person who was trashing Johnny. If you don't like Jake, why the f**k are you on this site??

Both Jake and Johnny are amazing.

mpom said...

sarahgyllenhaal at 11:39 PM Love your comment. You are right on.

It's Christmas Eve, "The most magical night of the year." To quote my grandaughter Emily.

I want to wish you all here at JW a "Magical" holiday. When my thoughts drift away to Jake, I will imagine him in the loving arms of his family celebrating the "Magic" of Ramona's first Christmas. And if there is truely "Magic" in the air may we have
"Peace On Earth".

Anonymous said...

before starting to chew a pandoro or panettone (it could be very unpolite doing it in the meanwhile), i want to wish you all here at JW a wonderful holiday time! so....darlingssss...merry christmas and a really great, energetic, serene and full of jaking 2007!!!

Buone feste, siete dei grandi!

xxx GIULIA

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Just stopping by to wish everyone a Happy Holiday and a Wonderful New Year. Don't drink too much egg nog!!

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