Wednesday, December 06, 2006

BLATANT STALKING #9 (I THINK)

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Well, what have we here? Yeah, you, with the chin-strap. Don't you have something you're supposed to be doing? Like briskly and awkwardly pacing in front of a tiny guardshack? Or remaining emotionless as you get your picture taken with some annoying American tourist (Jake, I didn't mean you)? Or, you know, guarding the freaking royal family or whatever it is you do in your stealthy red uniform and bizarrely fuzzy hat?

It would seem to me that you have not-so-subtly been distracted from your duties to crown and country by the casual ambling of Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal in yet another case of BLATANT STALKING! I can't really blame you since Jake's standing pretty close there and it's a physically impossibility not to stare at the Gyllenhaal when he happens to walk by. But you're a British guard-thingy-whatever-dohickey for God's sake. To be honest, I was expecting more from you. In fact, I might go so far as to say this is an embarrassment to the entire United Kingdom. And just between you and me, judging from the look Jake's shooting this way, I think he's actually caught on to your stalking! I do believe that makes you the worst offender in Blatant Stalking History.

By the way, take a step closer and we'll hit you with a Back Away From My Man while we're at it.

***

In other news, thanks to everyone who replied to our darling little survey. I can assure you the Jake Watch Bureau of Mathematics and Statistics is doing some amazing stuff with lines graphs and standard deviations about now. But, um, agents? You were a little lackluster on this one. 95% of you didn't respond (see, you thought I was making that math thing up, but these guys know their stuff). If that makes you feel guilty in any way, you can still fill out a survey. We'll accept 'em through Friday. If you trust the other 5% to speak for you, then don't worry about it. Over and out, agents. :)

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think Jake caught the man with the chin-strap and gave him one of his famous stares that incinirated him, but not before inprinting him on the wall (like bomb-radiation does)... Pretty good self-defense weapon you have there, Jake... The sockless guy at the Lakers game almost ended up the same way.

veeveevee said...

^^Anon, I think you hit the nail on the head with that one!

I think I shall have to start carrying around one of those "how to view an eclipse" thingys...if I am ever so fortunate as to espy The Sex live and in person, I certainly don't want to be obliterated into the nearest wall and totally miss the experience!

P.S. Can NOT wait for the survey results!

Anonymous said...

veeveevee, where do you get those eclipse things I need it ... I might actually go to see a Lakers game in LA and might need some protection, just in case, though with my luck Jake would likely be in South Africa or Marocco when I go :-/

BTW, anon 12:57 was me, Amerita. Blogger is not letting me name myself, at the moment (grrrr!)

Prophecy Girl said...

What? Amerita! Laker's game?! You do realize you're required to give us a full report should someone happen to show up. It is your duty as an agent. ;)

Anonymous said...

Once when I was very young (OK. I was 12) We went to Canda and there were these same guard guys and I did everything I could think of to make them break their pose short of stomping on their feet with both of mine, and they were as still as statues. I might have been invisible for all they noticed. Their discipline is awesome. Then just that one time. It happens. Jake walks by. They are driven by a force so much stronger then themselves, they HAVE to look. And Boom. Like that. They are incinerated and end up a mere photoimage of themselves on a wall. All bcz of Jake. But what the video cameras of that fateful day will clearly show, is that Jake stopped. He stretched. His jeans slipped. His t-shirt rode up and that treasure trail flashed before their eyes. It was the very last thing they saw. And it was worth it.

Simon Agent 002 said...

You don't have any idea how difficult it is keeping those hats free of lint and pet hair.

veeveevee said...

Hey Amerita, here's what the web has to say:

Perhaps the easiest is to dig in your closet and find a shoe box made out of light colored cardboard. Cut a small hole in one short end of the shoe box. Cover this with a piece of aluminum foil, and then pierce a small hole in the foil using a small nail or straight pin. Point this end of the shoe box toward the sun. The sun’s (Jake's?) image will be projected on the inside of the other end of the shoe box. You will be able to watch the sun’s disc as it is slowly covered by the moon.

I'm sure if Jake sees you with such a contraption, he'll rush right over!!!

veeveevee said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
veeveevee said...

Or you could purchase a pair of these beautiful glasses! ;-)

www.3dglassesonline.com/eclipse.html

cina said...

Come on, agents!! Contribute to this survey! I'm shocked to hear 95% of you didn't reply. Really!

Anonymous said...

It's great to finally see my favorite two artists combined: Banksy & The Gyllenhaal!!

amerita said...

www.3dglassesonline.com/eclipse.html

Oh how classy, if it only came with the JakeWatch logo!

And PG don't worry if I ever go to a game and see The Sex (and survive!) you'll know everything about it! Just don't ask me how many points Kobe Bryant scored ...

Anonymous said...

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mpom said...

Good Morning JW. Nice post,Lovely pic of Jake. But, agents, someone has lifted Jake's kissable little mole on his upper lip. "Call out the guards." Question everyone. We may have to strip search.

cina said...

I actually think the picture is... how do you say it?... reversed?? You can see his lovely moles on his neck and they are on the wrong side, plus you can actually see the mole on his upper lip to the right, and as we know it should be on the left side. Mystery solved!

mpom said...

Very good cina. I can tell you have been a JW agent longer than I. Must be the excellent training program.

cina said...

Oh yes, it's definitely thanks to the excellent training program, and I've been studying VERY hard, believe me...! ;)

S4M985 said...

Yeh Cina, how much did that training progam cost again?! Im still saving my hard earned cash....
I actually saw those guards when i was in london, one nearly tripped over doing his march it was hallarious... now that i think about it after that blog, maybe he had spotted jake, and that made him loose his composure? i mean its the only thing that i can think of that would ever make those guards flinch!

And i agree, by the look on jakes face, hes definatly been spotted. Why doesnt he realise we are working FOR him not against him. I think BPB you have to have a look at this guys file, i mean hes obviusly lacking in agent skills (maybe he should do Cina's course) and this has put our mission at stake. This isnt really up to standard!

atk said...

Damn it, have you all seen this new pic?

http://iheartjake.suddenlaunch.com/index.cgi?board=Pictures&action=display&num=1165487887

Nice body! Nice shirt! Wicked smile!
*thud*

S4M985 said...

http://www.paparazzidiaries.blogspot.com/

Penelope cruz, haha! What a crack up!

Anonymous said...

12:41PM: I think that blogger mixed up Mia with Penelope! According to some gossip sites Jake, Mia, Penelope,Orlando and Salma Hayek have been seen hanging out!

heddaparsons said...

12:28PM: *thud* indeed! There is also a video that's at that link and when Jake sees the paps as he is going to his car, he turns his back on them, LOL!!! One shouts: Hey, thats a whack move Jake! It's back to filming as I see he has shaved as well.

cina said...

HOLY FUCKING CRAP!! That picture sent me to heaven and back I tell 'ya! Come to think of it, I don't think I've left heaven yet. DAYEM he looks so friggin' hot, WHAT a body!!

I'm seriously dying here.

Anonymous said...

Ditto what Cina said

Prophecy Girl said...

Jesus Christ! What a picture! I wish it didn't have that stupid "PD" on his chest, but other than that, no complaints.

The Bearded Lady said...

^PG, with your photo doctoring skills...

and thank for the wonderful air brush job you did on my Christmas card, I don't look a day over 90.

shaken, not stirred. said...

12:41PM: Thank G_d he wasn't seen exiting that place with Linday Lohan!!!

smurfette said...

ugh, i admit that i indulge in pap pics and vids as much as anyone, but a quick browse through some entries on that paparazzidiaries blog made me pretty ill. a peek into the headspace of a professional celeb stalker, not of the JW (aka satirical) kind, is not pretty...

PG and BPB, eagerly anticipating the stats on the survey. btw, BPB got my answers via email, right?

mpom said...

heddaparsons,
I did not find that video over there. But the photo in the black shirt is wonderful.

Anonymous said...

"...the photo in the black shirt is wonderful." That's one way to describe it. Yeah. How about heart attack inducing??? And he's clearly NOT wearing an undershirt...for a change... Lots of definition. Yeah. That body invades my sleep. It makes me grin stupidly while caught in traffic. It causes me to stare vacantly while in checkout lines. The damned bag boy at the supermarket had a tag saying his name was Jake. I beamed at him...and he had acne and a flat, shaved head!
One question:

Why would a guy,
Chose a buttoned-down fly,
When everyone knows,
A zipper is quicker!

Anonymous said...

Jake/Orso video:

http://www.splash-video.com/index2.pgi

kaydee said...

why the hell can't i see the pic at ihj?! it says i'm not allowed even when i'm logged in :((((

and after reading everybody's heated drooling comments about it too... DAYEM

Cina, i'm so impressed with your detection skills re: jake's moles map :)

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