Dear Robert Downey, Jr,
I would like to congratulate you on your official initation as a Jake Watch agent. Now that you have made a public oath to Jake, you are a full-fledged member of our organization. I'd like to thank you for all the help you gave us during the filming of Zodiac, and I'm pleased that you found the experience rewarding enough to become a permanent member of our institution.
If you recall, you said the following in reference to Jake Gyllenhaal on the night of October 16, 2006: "And I see him doin’ it, and that’s why I got his back forever” (source). This more than exceeds our requirement for a public oath of lifetime devotion. You also said, "Nobody’s wearing any underwear at table 23," equally important to our cause here at Jake Watch, although in the future, we ask that you assess the sock situation before you move on to undergarments. Beginner's mistake.
You have now joined a small but growing number of celebrities who have devoted their lives to the protection of the Gyllenhaal. Your new status will allow you certain priviledges, such as a laminated cardboard ID badge. You may recall that on the night that you swore permanent allegiance to Jake, I took a picture of you for your ID:
I'd also like to thank you for going out of your way to help us with the recruitment of Lance Armstrong, who has but a few more intense training sessions before he will be asked to make his public pledge to Jake. Lance's ID photo actually turned out worse than yours:
So, Robert Downey, Jr. as new Agent, we ask that you report immediately to Peter Sarsgaard, who has already been alerted to your new status. He will fill you in on what's to be expected in the years to come. It's not an easy job and you'll probably die in the line of duty. We look forward to working with you and remember: SOCKS FIRST.
Yours in service to Jake,
Amazing photography from PG's private collection. Please do not reproduce without permission. Bitches.