Saturday, August 26, 2006

Shhh - whilst no one is around....

I'm a fan of the women. And I'm guessing Jake is too. But it's not all sex you know(?) Isn't it about time he found himself a sweet little texan girl and settled down on the ranch (not a gay one.)

Now before you jump up and down shouting "who the shit is this?" - My name is Matt and I have successfully hijacked the jakewatch site - but only for a short while. I thought I'd write a post. "Hell if I'm gonna write one", I thought, then "I'm gonna write one about stuff I like".

So... the ladies. Let's see who is currently available for old jakey jake jake jake.

I decided to analyse the top ten women as voted for in this years FHM poll (US version)

In reverse order...

No.10: Teri 'why is she still successful' Hatcher - seriously now what do people see in this girl. Yeh, I'm all for the brunettes but eh? Marriage potential for Jake (MPJ) : 3

No.9: Carmen 'run carmen, run' Electra - a bit fickle maybe? I'm not so sure. One night stand yes indeedy but a life of commitment? MPJ: 4

No.8: Maria 'has she actually won anything?' Sharapova - Who'd want sloppy seconds from Enrique? Not me and probably not Jake. Another mystery to be so high up the chart. Unattractive, unfunny, pigfaced MPJ: 2

No.7: Jenny 'up for it' McCarthy - Not classy but v. funny. I like this girl. Whether I'd spend my life with her is a different matter. Jenny scores high for kicks and as a result would always offer promise for a more long term 'event' MPJ: 6

No.6: Halle 'Catwomen' Berry - Scares me with her hair in X-men. Would she offer a good marital home. I think she could - but is she a bit too dull for Jake or a perfect match? Not my choice but a solid MPJ of 6 offers some potential.

No.5: Keira 'thrice nightly' Knightley - very tight looking girl. English. Pretty and what's more she's dyslexic. A big candidate for me - but does Jake prefer the larger breast? MPJ: 7

No.4: Jessica 'is this chicken?' Simpson - yeh yeh, great body and all but seriously, tits and ass aside, what else is there? MPJ: 3

No.3: Jessica 'mmm' Alba - okay now we're talking. Stunning, natural and pretty darn funny. A high candidate in any one's book. MPJ: 8

No.2: Angelina 'what I would do' Jolie - drool drool drool. Is she for real? Can I touch her? An ideal candidate. Would score high in top trumps on all categories. Sex kicks would be immense but a long term relationship? Could you really tame her Jake? Last the course? I admit defeat. MPJ: 7

No.1: Scarlett 'who filled in this survey?' Johansson - another natural beauty. But ruins the whole image by doing a cosmetic commercial. Far more beautiful in a pair of slacks and t-shirts than when all dolled up. Would also score high. MPJ: 7.

So, then what have we learnt? Absolutely nothing. What the hell is Sienna and Natalie doing at 63 and 61???? Crazy. So Jessica it is then at a score of 8. I'm off to re-laminate my top ten list now so I hope I've not offended you all.

So who would Jake choose?

Take it easy.

Matt.

46 comments:

cina said...

"Jessica 'is this chicken'
Simpson - LMFAO!!

gummybug said...

Slim pickins - in terms of compatibility with Jake.

Angelina and Jake would be off the charts hot. And he seems good with kids.

I say no to Alba because she doesn't seem to eat anymore. Jake the chef can't have none of that. She was pretty in those white bikini days though. Also, I find the combination of little girl face and sexed up body sort of creepy.

Scarlett seems the only decent option, seeing as how Angie is spoken for. And Jake may not be ready for 3 chillins yet.

nice anonymous said...

He's a California-raised boy, so I am thinking that he's drawn to blondes by a force far beyond his own understanding. (His genes are always urging him onward: "Go for the shiksa.") Also, I think he likes practical-minded, rather forceful females who tend to lead the way. He looked very much at home with Anne Hathaway pushing on his chest & climbing on top of him in the backseat of that car. And also with being attacked & mauled by self-confident older women. He's modern enough to be very comfortable with acting as the more passive half of the couple. To balance his introspectiveness and his quieter tendencies, he needs an aggressive female to boss him around a little. Maybe Angelina wearing a blonde wig & stilettoes, to tie him to the bedposts & order him around?

No, seriously, I don't think any of the women listed are right for him. I've love to see him with Natalie, but that's just a wistful daydream.

dottieb said...

Jessica Alba - aaaaggghhhh!
She was definitely NOT funny at the MTV awards, and was a weak link in an otherwise terrific "Dark Angel."

cina said...

I agree nice anon. It's Natalie for me too. But sadly, that relationship is most likely "just" friendship.

Anonymous said...

Somehow none of the listed beauties seems a good match to me... mmmm? I have no better idea, but as long it is not Jessica, nor Paris !

The Bearded Lady said...

Whoa, Natalie is dropping like a rock in this poll.
Last year she was ranked in the 40's...oh dear!

I'll pick Shakira #20. Why?...entirely selfish reasons...
I'm not thinking of Jake at all. (sorry Jake)
Perhaps Shakira, with her new status, would retire and spare us all further dreadful videos...
She's belly danced one time too many for my taste.

Anonymous said...

He'd choose Austin, whose really number one

Anonymous said...

Too bad Natalie isn't on the list, she is the ONLY woman for Jake! Yeah, I know they are juast friends, but still.

If I had to chhose it would be S. Johannsen

Anonymous said...

Angelina and Jake? No way. That's like pairing a Rottweiler with a Yorkie.

felicia said...

My vote is with Carmen Electra. Newly separated, on her way to divorce, absolutely beautiful, great self-depricating wit.

Yep, the pretty with those two together would be blinding. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hey Uk fans Jkae is gonna be on the biography channel come sept 8
http://www.thebiographychannel.co.uk/biography_story/1761:2186/2/Jake_Gyllenhaal.htm

Anonymous said...

Fuck those bitches. Who would want the modern incarnation of a "lady" anyway… augmented to within an inch of their lives, clown faces on and desperate to be needed?

I’m convinced that the “Jake needs a woman” obsession is just a sad expression of the need for validation, in this case vicarious validation will do, that so many women and heterosexuals in general seem to have.

And if he is with anyone I hope its with a person like Natalie Portman… possessed of a natural beauty, breast aren’t gigga, lips not injected and not afraid to shave her head.

He's doing just fine by himself. Get over it.

Ian said...

I was once at a movie screening and sat next to Natalie. Her elbows were all over my fucking arm rest. AND she stank of piss.

I'm all for the Carmen.

jakeNme said...

He may date blondes but I think he'll end up with a brunette...who ultimately looks like his mom and sis...mark my words :)

muffin said...

*sigh*

the SOH detector is broken again, Brits.

Thanks for the list Matt! Had a quick look at your blog and it's now added to my favourites.

Anonymous said...

What about Rachel McAdams?

Anonymous said...

This top ten list leaves a LOT to be desired. I think Jake will go for someone who's really smart, physically beautiful and has a great sense of humor. She'll have to be a giving, compassionate person who is very patient and understanding. Doe anyone know how to contact him on his backberry? I want to give him my number. People tell me I have a great sense of humor...and my teeth aren't THAT yellow!

britpopbaby said...

the SOH detector is broken again, Brits.

It SURE is. I think I might try and install some barrier where you have to pass a SOH test before you're allowed in.

chat noir said...

How bout Christina Ricci or Claire Danes? I think they are not annoying, young, pretty, special and good actresses. I cant stand jessica alba, scarlet johanson seems like a real bitch, and angelina is fugly...

mrs_dalloway said...

I don't like Jessica Alba either.She looks good,but I don't see anything special in her.Angelina,on the other hand...but she's taken :)

gummybug said...

I love Ricci, and I've been told that if I have a "celebrity twin" it's her, but I just can't see Jake with a girl who has... anorexic tendencies, or whatever you want to call it. He enjoys cooking and sharing good food, so I don't think it would sit well with him to see his ladylove starve herself.

Anonymous said...

I didn't see her on the list but how about Bjork?

She would be anything but boring.
And she needs someone to keep her grounded.

britpopbaby said...

Isn't Bjork married? And completely tapped?

I'm going with Keira cos it looks hot in my head.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't you divorce to be with Jake?

only1annabel said...

I'd have to say definately not Keira cos I'm sure the pouting would piss him off as much as it does me!! Um Angelina is hot but she comes with a fair amount of baggage, not to mention Brad Pitt on her arm! I'd have to say Scarlett in the absence of Natalie but I am routing for her...though the jealousy may kill me if they got it on!!

Kendra said...

I'm going with Keira cos it looks hot in my head.

And Keira is sometimes like a Natalie clone, with bigger breast. An ideal woman for him in my head would be a mix between Natalie, Kirsten, Jena Malone, Betty Boop, Calamity Jane and Kendra.

Anonymous said...

Ohhh! Jena Malone!! I like her. But I think she has a man.
I'm in the Natalie camp.

bubblegirl said...

I watched Scarlett on The Tonight Show once and she told a story about having to wear a hoodie so nobody would recognize her when she left her house. She just seemed so full of herself. I wouldn't like her with Jake.

If by some chance Angelina would start wearing Jake's blood around her neck and tattooing his name over Billy Bob's name I think I would puke. What in the world is Brap thinking?

Somebody mentioned Rachel McAdams. That might work she is so funny and pretty.

What about Charlize Theron? Too old?

bubblegirl said...

Damn I spelled Brad wrong.

bubblegirl said...

"Wouldn't you divorce to be with Jake?"



Ummmmmmmmm yep!

SquallCloud said...

I wholeheartedly agree about Jessica for all the reasons stated. Here's hoping tha Cash Warren fellow takes a hike and leaves her beauty-ness to Jakey!

SquallCloud said...

Angelina Jolie is overrated.

Yeah, I said it. Wanna rumble?

dottieb said...

Did you see Jena Malone in the extra featurs with the Donnie Darko DVD? She was really nasty to Jake!

Anonymous said...

Ian said...
I was once at a movie screening and sat next to Natalie. Her elbows were all over my fucking arm rest.


Both elbows?

Smurfeyshmoo said...

Angelina Jolie is overrated.

Amen to that.

Anon 8:21--LOL! That made me laugh really hard.

Anonymous said...

Isn't it about time he found himself a sweet little texan girl and settled down on the ranch

Eh, personally I don't think Jake should settle down anytime soon. First of all, he's only 25. Nowadays, people are settling down and getting serious a lot later in life. Second of all, he and Kirsten had such a serious relationship for quite a while at such a young age. So I think now is the perfect time for him to maybe date casually (or even sleep around w/o worrying about actual dates if he wants to). He can relax, have fun, not worry about committment or settling down, and just be young.

Kendra said...

One really cute girl was his partenaire in "Bubble Boy" Marley Shelton, but she is already married. Look at one entry I've recently made in my blog about Jimmy and Chloe.

tatelbatel said...

I am the sweet little Texan that Jake should be settling down with.

chat noir said...

angelina is overated, insane, and not pretty at all... half of her face are gigantic lips, spooky.
But i could see him with jennifer aniston or jena malone. And with me, of course, he just doesnt know it yet.

Blogging for scraps... said...

Thought I'd pop in to say thanks for not swearing and kicking me out....

I have to dispute you Kendra on the Keira / Natalie breast comparison - just out of principle.

Yeh - Bjork? Are you serious? Tapped is an understatement.

I'm all with:

"Angelina and Jake? No way. That's like pairing a Rottweiler with a Yorkie"

I think this is hillarious.

Anonymous said...

"Bjork? Are you serious?"

Even Bjork needs love too. she's creative, eccentric..at least 10
times more interesting then anyone on that list of 100
...and she could defend Jake from the paparazzi...she can pull hair with the best of them.

Becky said...

Honestly, I think with Jake working and possibly traveling it'd be hard for him to have a Celeb relationship...I'd like to see him with a completely anonymous, normal woman....

Anonymous said...

I think a lot of completely anonymous, normal women would agree!!! And it wouldn't surprise me to discover that Jakey has "tapped" into the vast pool of completely anonymous, normal women. I think Young Man is enjoying being 25 1/2 and single. He seems like a very friendly guy!!!

Anonymous said...

Don't like the header.You may put Jake pictures up on a daily basis so you say,although no evidence of them in the last few posts but i can see them at iheartjake where you get them from so why no Jake in the header banner.Could be any old Jake the way it is now.Blog is shite now and i'm not alone in thinking so.You are losing people coming here.Your spiteful bitter tongue doesn't help either!

nice anonymous said...

Alas, anonymous 9:55, it appears she hasn't lost you yet.

I don't feel as strongly about the new banner as the poster above, but I gotta admit, I did prefer the former Bond knockoff photoshops -- particularly when Jake was surrounded by a seraglio. Even if said seraglio wasn't politically correct.

Now the blog banner is all about a trio of animated supergirls with amazingly uniform rounded boobs. (Is it Maidenform? Victoria' Secret? We all want a bra that will do that.) I'm all for girlpower, being one myself, but yeah, I really do miss seeing Jake in the middle, looking debonair & cool even as the orgy commences.