Saturday, June 03, 2006

AN ALARMING DISCOVERY

Jake Watch has aquired a new contact within the US Postal service. We know this man only by the codename Otto Thilye. As an avid fan of the blog Otto has intercepted for us a large number of letters that were destined for Jake. This correspondence is from one Louella Medina Oberman from Austin, Texas who is the self-proclaimed numero uno Jake fan. The contents of these letters are at the very least unsettling so Otto and myself have decided to destroy them, using fire-retardent gloves and safety goggles, in order to protect Jake from this tragically insane hippo-woman. I only post extracts here now to expose the kind of danger Jake could find himself in if we were to cease watching him, er, I mean watching out for him. It is our vigilante efforts alone that maintain Jake's well-being and safety. Thank you.

Letters from Louella - Part I
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Louella Medina Oberman
Trailer 17
Cactus Rose Mobile Home Park
Austin, TX

Dearest Jake, captor of my soul
I've been having the most unusual urges of late and feel I should commit my emotions to this delightful lavender scented note paper before they explode out of me in uncontrollable love puddles.
My name is Louella and I reside in the humble Cactus Rose Trailer Park, Austin, Texas. Last week my brother, Bronson, who is also my uncle, lent me his pirated copy of 'Jarhead'. I love seein' foreigners gettin' blown up so I was real eager to watch your film but then Bronson told me it was more about the personal psychological war marines endure rather than your actual conflict. I thought, "Fuck that!", I wanna see me some action but I reluctantly poked the disc into the slot anyways and then pressed 'Play' with my special prodding stick. Boy, soldier, did I see me some action! Who is this prime West Coast raised cut of steak I got jiggling his ass on my screen?, I asked myself. It was adualtion at first sight, baby, and now I can't stop hankering after you, my little horndog.
Just let me know when you're ready for some lovin' from a real curvaceous woman that'll make your magic wand scream, "Abracadabra!", instead of that scrawny polecat Mary Jane Watson.

Love always, your Southern belle,
Louella X

P.S Please find enclosed a picture of me in my lighter days, wearing my favorite summer slip. You can take it to the bathroom with you if you want, my little horndog.
XXX

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Absolutely shocking. Jake, don't worry, we here at Jake Watch are on a consant state of suspicious alert.

(Another note: Louella ain't real!)

9 comments:

chapter_four said...

ahaha!! what a great letter. she sure is a looker -

on another note, new here and absolutely love the blog, britpop!!

britpopbaby said...

Thanks chapter_four. Visit us again!

Anneka said...

Call me sentimental, but I loves a bit of controversey. As long as it's not about me. And it's not. Cos I'm not Louella. Honest.

beskyddaren said...

Shocking indeed!!! And funny, hope to hear more from the insane hippo-woman soon.

Simon Agent 002 said...
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Simon Agent 002 said...
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