Wednesday, April 05, 2006

INTRODUCING OUR RESIDENT PSYCHO, SORRY, PSYCHIC


Unfortunately I am not blessed with the third eye but I do have access to someone who is. I introduce to you Mr U. Depraved, a truly gifted human with immense psychic power. Now I know you're probably saying, "That's dandy, britpopbaby, but what the fuck has it got to do with the one and only Gyllenhaal?" Well, hold onto your hats because Mr U. Depraved has the ability to travel inside Jake's mind and frolics with him often in the parallel cosmos. Shit no! I shall let the visions speak for themselves:

"I know for certain the answer to the question on everybody's lips. It came to me in a dream. No, wait, don't go. Before you disbelieve me, let me tell you that I am HIGHLY psychic. I knew Aeon Flux was going to tank before it came out. Anyhoo, in my dream, Jake was wading through a river of Snapple, flogging himself with daisies while sporting some neat-o handgun tattoos ALL OVER his body (you know what I'm talkin about ladies). I called to him from the banks of the river and watched in amazement as he mounted a dazzling diamonte swan and sailed towards me, before scooping me up into his powerful arms and taking me to a castle made of cherry-stones where we had a Scrabble tournament and listened to his Olivia Newton-John records. We laughed, we cried, he held me close. Then, as I sensed it was time to wake up, he looked me in the eyes and said: 'UtterlyDepraved - I am gay. And global warming is bad.' Contravene that if you will."

There you have it. Our thanks go to Mr U. Depraved for allowing us into this occult domain. Hopefully we shall be hearing from him again soon. You can find Mr U. Depraved scurrying around the IMDb message boards under the pseudonym UtterlyDepraved.

9 comments:

Lauren (407) said...

Ahh yes, the psychic of the imdb boards....well, if he says Jake is gay...well, who's gonna question that?

britpopbaby said...

Don't fear, he seems to change his mind in the next visions. This psychic channelling seems an unstable medium.

Anonymous said...

C'mon, ask the psychic where (the hell) is Jake now? He's dissapeared! The next time we'll see him, his beard probably will be like ZZtop's. Wherever you are, Jake, please shave!

britpopbaby said...

Hmmm, I concur that the the beard is becoming a bit fisherman's friend-ly. I shall go contact the psychic and see what offerings he has for us mere mortals...

britpopbaby said...

Mr U. Depraved says:
"I can't really say when Jake will appear in your dimension again. All I can offer by way of explanation is that Jake has been immersed in the construction of a particularly challenging shell necklace for several days now. Perhaps that can account for the scarcity of his trips through the portal. I'll ask next time I'm over. (Incidentally, accusing the psychic of changing 'their' minds is pure insolence)."

Anonymous said...

He's gay?! oh noooooooooooo

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